February 7, 2021

Dear Families and Friends,  We trust you all had a good week and enjoyed the snow. since there wasn't much we could do about it. In this newsletter we shared an interesting article "Calm Voices Calmer Kids" by Beth Arky, Child Institute, and a few more tips on preventing parent burn out. Hope they help. We are proud to offer "Talk It Over Thursday" with Maria, our new Parent Youth Coordinator. Take advantage of these activities for parents and youth. We also included information on free webinars and support groups offered by others that might interest you. Remember, we are all in this together and even the best of us may get overwhelmed and frustrated. Reach out to others who understand your challenges. Take care, Your friends at ASCF

ASCF presents "Talk It Over Thursdays" with Maria, ASCF Parent Youth Coordinator We have developed a series of interactive online (ZOOM) workshops for parents/caregivers and youth exploring Transition. Parents/guardians will have the opportunity to learn how to explore their child’s goals and obtain tools to lead their child on the path to success, making their dreams a reality. We will offer the following relevant online interactive workshops for all age groups, entitled “Talk It Over Thursdays”  For Parents/Guardians/Caregivers Thursday, Feb 11, 6:30 -8 pm  Thinking Caps and Fuzzy Slippers: One Thursday each month, 6:30-8:00 pm, interactive ZOOM workshops will begin with a relaxed introductory conversation among families and lead into specific work-related topics that will help parents guide discussions with their child, locate educational and job-related resources, and develop relevant relationships to help their child prosper beyond high school   For Older Youth 15-21 years old Feb 18, 4-5:15 pm Roll Up Your Sleeves Activity Hour: One Thursday a month, 4:00-5:15 pm, interactive ZOOM workshops will focus on discussing older youth’s vocational goals. Sessions will begin with discussing various paths to take after high school, including college, trade school, job/career opportunities, volunteerism, and self-employment and how to achieve these goals. Related resources will be introduced and discussed to place these youth on the proper path to reach their dreams. Activities may include practicing interviewing skills, writing resumes, and completing mock applications To register email mariaw.ascfamily@gmail.com

More Tips to Preventing Parent Burnout  Connect with others. Though mental illness isn’t optional, the added burden of secrecy is. Opening up about what you’re going through is likely to increase your emotional bandwidth significantly, giving you a much-needed infusion of energy. Confide in trusted friends, or find a support group for parents facing similar challenges (locally or on social media) to decrease your sense of isolation. Don’t take your child’s behavior personally. Depressed, anxious, and impulsive kids say and do many hurtful things. Even though you are the target, this is usually more about their pain than about you. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that some portion of the venom is the illness talking. Then repeat silently to yourself, “My love is deeper than your pain,” and respond to your child as calmly as you can. Julia Johnson Attaway      https://childmind.org/article/preventing-parent-burnout/

Calm Voices  Calmer Kids Beth Arky  Child Mind Institute             Sometimes it’s hard to keep your cool, but less yelling means better communication. Before hopping aboard the roller coaster ride called parenthood, people sans kids have likely witnessed exasperated moms and dads losing it in Aisle 5 and thought smugly, “I’m never going to yell at my kids.” And then they have families of their own and reality sets in. For as their munchkins reach each much-anticipated developmental milestone, they acquire some less desirable skills as well. So a 2-year-old who “scribbles spontaneously” may very well exhibit her newfound talent all over freshly painted walls and prized furniture, while emerging language allows her to repeat certain choice words again and again, including the ever-popular Parents know that in the midst of the mayhem, staying calm (aka not yelling) is a golden rule. But unless you’re made of stone, it’s pretty tough to maintain a measured tone when you’re dealing with kids day in and day out. When parents yell, “they’ve lost it,” says Dr. Steven G. Dickstein, a child and adolescent psychiatrist. “They’re overwhelmed with anger or frustration.” There are very few situations that merit yelling, other than when a child is doing something dangerous or harmful. Yet “I don’t think there’s a parent who hasn’t yelled,” says Alice Long, who blogs at Mother L about son D, 3, and daughter Em, 2. “This will happen. Let it go.” So why is it so important to be firm — without raising your voice?

What’s wrong with yelling? Upping the ante, losing the message: Yelling often fails to get the point across because emotions can overcome the message. It will also likely escalate the situation, and the child’s aggression, be it verbal or physical. Heard it all before: If parents yell all the time, Dr. Dickstein notes, “kids may either shut down or ignore it because it’s nothing new.” Hard on self-esteem: We know that yelling and harsh parenting are associated with lower self-esteem for kids, and can affect their performance in school. Kids who are the object of verbal aggression are at risk for aggressive or disruptive behavior. Dr. Dickstein cautions that when mom or dad yells, kids may feel the parent doesn’t “love them or even like them” and can only criticize. Missing out on the positive: When yelling is the chronic mode of communication, both children and parents are missing out on the chance to form positive, affectionate bonds. And for kids predisposed to anxiety and depression, internalizing these negative interactions may be the tipping point. You feel bad, too: Meanwhile, blowouts can leave parents feeling guilty, frustrated and demoralized. Adults who express anger in negative ways increase their chronic stress, which contributes to health problems.

Why calmer is better Addressing inappropriate behavior calmly enables you to focus on teaching the child what’s problematic about his behavior, and following through with effective consequences. Modeling behavior is major: When parents practice healthy self-regulation, it helps kids learn how to self-regulate themselves. Mom Regina Myers testifies that when she turns the volume way down, her “teenager responds much better and yells less himself!” Kids feel safer. The best style of parenting features “a high degree of nurturing, firm but kind,” says clinical psychologist Melanie Fernandez. As much as children and teens may act like they want control, what really makes them feel safe are calm, consistent, fair authority figures. (There’s a reason why some parents look to Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan for child-rearing tips. After all, good parents must be leaders of their pack, um, family.) If you work on specific strategies that help yourself feel calmer, you can help your children learn to regulate better.

Tips for Parents Identify problem interactions: Pinpoint the recurring problems that frequently set you and your kids off. If getting out the door for school in the morning is a chronic issue, solutions might include laying out their clothes and showering the night before, or everyone waking up a bit earlier. Try to break it down into steps you can tackle calmly Create consistency: With younger kids, it helps to create a set routine with simple, one-step directions that could include visual aids, not to mention plenty of labeled praise and rewards. Consider triggers: Being aware of the context of the behavior allows for calmer responses. If we recognize when a child is cranky because he missed his snack or is overtired, it can be easier to temper our own frayed feelings. Understanding patience: It’s also important for parents to know and understand their children’s capabilities, since this can help them become more patient. Understanding her son’s issues — he was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder — was “a game changer” for Long. You can become calmer, she says, when you “accept kids as they are, love them as they are, and recognize that half the problem is how you react.” Time management: Trying to do too much causes stress. “The times I lose it are the times when I’m already overtaxing myself,” Long says. “The time to do bills is not when the kids are at the table doing an art project.” She notes that parents trying to multi-task increases the risk of kids misbehaving. “Just be there with your kids; it’s less likely they’ll throw their breakfast on the floor.” Count to 10: All the parents interviewed for this article had one key piece of advice: Take a break and breathe. It’s important to recognize when you’re about to lose control so you can step away from the situation, even leaving the room when you can do it safely. (A mom who tells her child she’s taking a time out is modeling self-calming behavior.) “I’m not a yeller,” Uhl says. “But when I feel myself becoming hot with frustration and I hear myself getting louder and louder, I stop, check myself, take a deep breath and start over.”  Disengage: Actively ignoring problem behaviors is another strategy that helps stop parents from yelling. If you disengage from the situation until you regain your composure, you won’t be feeding the fire. (This cannot be done when a child is being aggressive or destructive.) Instead, by responding positively to only desired behavior, parents reinforce what they want vs. what they don’t want. Plus, by allowing kids to practice “slowing their engines down” on their own, without parental prompts, they’re learning how to handle frustration. Learn to let go and when to laugh it off: Along with ignoring comes learning to loosen up. “If the snack ends up on the floor,” Long says, “instead of getting mad at the kids, I’ll say, ‘Oh no, you made a mess, let’s clean it up together.’ Do what you have to do to make it easier on yourself.” Seek support: Long adds that it also helps to have a safety net of friends and relatives for those extremely bad days when you don’t feel you can calm yourself down and need to call in reinforcements. Blogs, support groups, other parents and clinicians can all help by assuring parents they aren’t alone. Own up to your feelings: Depending on the age and developmental level of the child, parents may, after things have calmed down, model for their kids how to talk about feelings. “You can tell them you’re not feeling respected or you’re feeling ignored,” Dr. Dickstein says. Dan Janzen, who has had “a hotheaded moment or two” with his son, 9, and daughter, 6, says he tries to give them “a way to understand the yelling-it’s not because they’re bad kids; it’s because I lost my temper. ‘I’m sorry I lost my temper — that was kind of rough, and I shouldn’t yell at you. But do you understand why I got little frustrated?’ And then we have a brief conversation about the situation.” “I also make a point of always following up quickly with something along the lines of, ‘Even when I lose my temper, I still love you,'” Janzen adds. “I think the running theme is to try to keep the eruptions from undermining their trust or security. No matter what happens, I’m still the same slightly ridiculous but well-intentioned daddy who loves them.”

Webinars The Alliance of Private Special Education Schools of North Jersey Effective Student-Led IEP Meetings February 2 7-8:15 PM Eastern Time featuring Regina Ann Smith, Esq. , Disability Rights NJ  Students as young as preschool can help make decisions about goals, objectives and preferences. Join Regina, an attorney and former classroom teacher, to unpack best practices and practical strategies for ANY student at ANY level can use to take part in the IEP process. https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZUpceCorjgoGNBjm45wfzvPN4mvOJxcgKsN Creating an Inclusive Classroom  February 17     1 pm  Inclusion in general education classrooms is a civil right. Every student has this right; however, we often breach it with students with disabilities based on outdated notions of what we as adults can and should do to effectively support them. Forty years of research has shown that this is not an effective strategy, yet we continue to place students in more restrictive placements. In this webinar, we will touch on what inclusive education instructional practices are and how they have been implemented in schools. Inclusive education is a group of practices that structure a classroom and lessons for all students to learn together. An inclusive classroom is a learning environment in which care is taken to ensure that all learners are supported, engaged, and accepted. The instructional practices we implement to include all learners include Universal Design for Learning (UDL), Differentiation, and Modifications and Accommodations. https://register.gotowebinar.com/register/8645487828811014923 College Options for Students with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities   February 18                6 pm College can be a great option for students with intellectual and developmental disabilities (I/DD). A growing number of programs offer varied opportunities to learn academic, career, and independent living skills as they prepare for employment. Join The Arc of New Jersey Family Institute as we discuss different programs offered in New Jersey and possible ways to pay for college. Additionally, we will discuss how to write IEP goals for post-secondary options when working with the Child Study Team. This is an online Zoom event. After you register, you will receive the link to join the meeting a few days before the event. https://www.thearcfamilyinstitute.org/resources/event_calendar.html/event/2021/02/18/zoom-with-us-college-options-for-students-with-intellectual-and-developmental-disabilities/316521

SPAN  WEBINARS During COVID-19, Be Prepared to Update Your Child’s IEP and 504 Plan: A Webinar with Disability Lawyers and a Behaviorist Tuesday, February 9, 2021 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM Wednesday, February 10, 2021 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM ou and your child with a disability have been contending with the limitations and possibilities of education and 504/IEP services during a pandemic. The COVID-19 pandemic has forced school closings, quarantines and too much virtual instruction for many children. Little of that was contemplated when your child’s IEP or 504 plan was created for the 2020-21 school year. Soon, annual reviews of IEPs and 504 plans will be held to plan for the 2021-22 school year. Parents will want to be prepared to address any learning loss and loss of services that children have experienced in the past year. Hear our panelists’ observations about the educational rights of a child with a disability, what has worked and what has not worked in providing services during the pandemic. Participants will be able to share ideas and ask questions.  https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_VTPOuW_gTA2n7rUIWsoeCg XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Procedural Safeguards: What You Need to Know Procedural safeguards are the protections afforded students and their families by the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act). This workshop will provide information on parental rights under the NJ Administrative Code pertaining to written notice, consent, confidentiality, access to records, dispute resolution procedures, disciplinary protections and more.  Join us to learn what you can do when problems arise during the special education process. Date: February11, 2021 Time: 7:00pm to 8:00pm Presented by: Dawn Monaco More Information: Dawn Monaco at dmonaco@spanadvocacy.org https://www.eventbrite.com/e/procedural-safeguards-what-you-need-to-know-tickets-133300458259

Join Mom Squad! Thursdays from 6 - 7 PM  February 11, 18, 25 2021 Join other parents to discuss the joys and challenges of raising a child or children with emotional, behavioral, mental health challenges and/or special needs. Meet other moms in a supportive environment who share your journey and learn about your rights and the services available to you. Julie from ASCF and Family Partner's staff facilitate. Registration URL: https://zoom.us/meeting/register/tJIodu-spz8iHNbFNlmcYsUK2Oj1rX8PxAJp

Please do not hesitate to call us if you need a listening ear. Assn. for Special Children & Families POB 494, Hewitt, NJ 07421   973-728-8744  ascfamily@hotmail.com www.ascfamily.org www.facebook.com/ascfamily

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Disclaimer: The Association for Special Children and Families does not provide or give Legal or Medical advice. ASCF does not endorse or recommend any one specific diagnostic or therapeutic regime, organization, opinion or methodology mentioned in this newsletter. We are not responsible for the content or information on any website given and do not endorse or recommend the views expressed as we have no control over the nature and content of those sites.