Thursday Thoughts
Driving seems to be the time that my grief surfaces. I think it is because that is when I received the phone call that my son killed himself.
Now, most days, I drive in silence. News is turned off, Siri is shut down, and podcasts are put on hold. I’ve learned to appreciate the quietness and give my brain time to process what is really going on. This is my form of meditation in which I enjoy the scenery and allow thoughts to come in that otherwise would be shut out by all the incoming information, competing for my attention.
I ask God to reveal to me who to pray for. This last week, everyone that I prayed for had cancer or is related to someone who is sick with cancer. I also asked for ways to continue to heal my heart, take away the pain and move forward in my grief. My answer was music. However, sometimes Gods answers are not clear, so I started a quest to gain clarity.
I looked at different genres: electric, country, rap, classic rock, and Christian. I googled grief, death and dying songs, checked out Spotify, listened to my son’s playlists and asked friends for recommendations.
The resulting list is long. Each song had different words that lifted me up. Some offered the truth, in a gentle way, that death of a loved one is tough, yet the reality is life goes on.
Other songs spoke about acceptance when they are gone because of suicide. These really caught my attention. I felt their pain. I knew their suffering. I felt a connection. I knew an artist would not sing a song on such a personal and intense subject without personal experience. I felt like we were the same even though we never met.
I heard gratitude for the loved one that was gone. Although their time on earth was cut too short, the time they were here was fondly remembered. I felt empathy flowing through the words and music.
I was comforted by songs that gave me hope to see my son again. I envisioned the angels looking down on me. Another crooned of the splendor of heaven. It allowed me to believe that my son is in a beautiful place, surrounded by goodness.
I listened to Connor’s playlist because I wanted insight to his personal taste in music. I got an earful. I quickly skipped. songs that I did not care for. There were some from his collection that I enjoyed, and they were added to my playlist. I became excited when I came across songs that I already listened to and remember listening to many of them with my son. There were Christian songs which leads me to believe that he indeed did believe in God. That in itself makes my heart sing!
One song even goes as far as talking about dancing and singing in heaven. That I took to heart. That is my Connor, and I am at peace.
Music, all different types, genres, and varying messages help to heal my soul. It is just one more resource to add to my toolbox when I need a little extra help on my grief journey.
#thursdaythoughts
#thehealingcontinues
#musichealsmysoul
#grieftohope
Do you find yourself without time to grief? Do you run from one activity to another? Schedule time to meet:
