A Care Partner...A Care Giver
My Story
by Charlotte James
Sixty years ago, I married my sweetheart, Jerry. I promised to love and take care of him to the end regardless of hardships and health issues. We celebrate 56 good years and with a heavy heart, try not to dwell on the last two years.
In 2002, Jerry was diagnosed with Parkinson's. He was in denial, and I wanted to know all that was possible about it. Thanks to many support groups, I found that I was not alone in my lack of knowledge. There were many wonderful people who shared their stories and gave me hope for the future. Knowledge gave me strength to plan for the future and live for each day's blessings.
For fourteen years, my husband experienced mild issues with his Parkinson's. He started with tremors and progressed over the years with the slowness in his walk, lack of taste and smell, and gradual depression. He was not happy that he was unable to be the man that he wanted to be. While I tried to give him positive support, we fell into a life of sadness. Counseling from credentialed "angels," support from family and friends, and a deep faith that I was not walking alone, kept me grounded.
Caring for the love of my life was a challenging journey. I understood that he was not happy with the changes in his physical person. As a care partner, we made decisions together. As his Parkinson's progressed, I became his care giver. I no longer felt like a wife and had to make decisions that were not popular and difficult.
How did I survive? With a sense of humor! Jerry liked to push my buttons. When I lost my cool... he would tell me that he liked it when I was "spunky." It was NOT funny when he played hide and seek...he would wander and couldn't remember our new home address. A memory that I will never forget was when I lost my cool and raised my voice. He disappeared. I searched for what felt like a very long time. After looking through the house more than once, then sitting in the garage crying and not knowing what to do, I decided to take one more look. I found him in his bedroom where I had searched more than once and asked him in the voice of a mother, "where have you been?" Jerry said, "I got out of dodge!" ****! Thank you, God for giving me grace!
As dementia kicked in, I learned to go along with him. When he said that there were ants on the floor (not there), I went for the broom.
I accepted help when it was offered and had to admit that I couldn't do everything alone. These special times allowed family to deepen their love for Jerry and they were given the joy of being there for both of us.
When friends asked how they could help, I was able to allow their gifts of meals and especially appreciated their visits giving me a chance to take breaks to recharge my battery. Jerry usually enjoyed the social time with friends. When I agreed to have someone come in once a week to provide respite care, I found that I didn't need to feel guilty for not taking care of him for those few hours. Little did I know that Jerry looked forward to a break from me too.
What now? When I lost Jerry, I didn't know what to do with myself. I met him when I was only 17 and we had spent nearly 60 years together. What future did I have alone? Through many tears and lots of prayer, I did find my next calling and that is to continue to care for others. There were so many wonderful people who supported me through my journey plus my faith brought stability. I now find solace in giving love to other caregivers and listen to their stories as a Stephen Minister. I walk this journey with others, and it brings me so much joy! When we care for others and are able to accept the care that is offered to us, we truly are never alone.
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