LeMONS, PRIMARIES TAX NOXIOUS-EMISSIONS LIMITS
Combined outgassing of
candidates, suppurating crapcans to greatly exceed healthy levels, says New Hampshire EPA.
With the Aug 29 app deadline for
LeMons @ NHMS
) approaching, area residents are fearing a long, difficult winter. "Most years, the air settles out after LeMons," says Loudon County syrup distiller and State EPA boss Lowell Ipswich. "This time, all that burnt 90-weight, aerosolized bearing metal, and unsavory armpit fug will be lofted back into the atmosphere by Donald Trump's hot-air plume, Ted Cruz machine-gun smoke, Hillary's powerful shrug-upblasts, and Chris Christie's eye-watering methane emissions."
The combined burdens of janky-ass racecars and gasbag politicians may imperil health across the region. "Clouds of foul exhaust from an '88 Cavalier we can handle," Mr. Ipswich explains. "But add the toxic invective of Scott Walker, Bernie Sanders' clouds of ear-steam, and the oleaginous residue left by a Clinton campaign, and you've got a much scarier prospect. Of the two, LeMons is likely less harmful."
Indeed, the traditional autumn crapcan season tends to broadly enrich the State as communities pull together to solve metric-tool, un-siezed-up-smallblock, and Fiddle Faddle shortages and local bears fatten themselves up for the winter on racers' unwatched feral children.
"If you can scrub everything down once the LeMons guys leave, then it's fine," says Loudon mayor Thos. Q. Blanchette IV. "Unfortunately, with a candidate infestation going on simultaneously, you can't even step out of the house without six guys in suits trying to akwardly kiss your baby or steal your wife's makeup. (I'm looking at you, Huckabee and Rubio.)"
This year's primary has proven especially damaging, due both to the sheer number of candidates and the ever-rising volume of solid, particulate, and gaseous waste each one produces. The New Hampshire EPA cites Mr. Trump's campaign as the biggest offender, noting solid waste from hair-care products, exhaust from gratuitous helicopter rides, and voluminous rhetorical offgassing. (Mr. Trump called the agency "bear-f***ing scumbag illegals from Canadia," a statement he later deemed "misunderstood.") The least-impactful candidates are Jeb Bush, who's left only a few hundred Slim-Fast containers behind, and Carly "Pinin" Fiorina, whose campaign bus is powered by 100% renewable, carbon-neutral multimillionaire self-righteousness.
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