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My Monthly Musings
Last month I united with my paternal siblings and our families for four days of celebrating us. Family really is everything, and as an adoptee, it means so much more but is also super complicated. The thing that complicates it for me can only be described as “longing”.
When asked, “What do you long for?”, my response is usually, “connection”. I long to connect with my biological relatives. I long to connect with my clients. I long to connect with anyone who wants to connect with me, after reading my memoir.
Last month I connected with my paternal, biological relatives. It was amazing and exhausting and complicated, all at once. It is amazing to finally feel accepted and to be surrounded by genetic mirrors. It is exhausting to be an introvert in a huge family of extroverts. It is complicated to feel love and belonging, while also being reminded of all that you missed. But then i look at the pictures from the reunion. I see the faces that look like mine. And then I notice my smile. I look happy.
I am excited to connect with you all more regularly and I invite your feedback, connection, and conversation.
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Shifting the Narrative
What shift in the adoption narrative is needed for women who are considering relinquishment?
I long for honest and transparent Informed Consent in conversations about relinquishment. Informed consent is defined as consent given only after having been informed of the facts, benefits, risks, and alternatives. Informed consent consists of disclosure, understanding, voluntariness, competence, and documentation. As a pregnant teen, I agreed to relinquishment without informed consent. I was an adoptee, fully immersed in the adoption fog, believing the “savior” and “love is enough” narrative. I fell victim to coercive tactics, had no true support, and worse, was lied to. When I ask myself, “What do I long for when thinking about shifting the narrative?”, the answer is “Informed Consent”.
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Therapy Thoughts
What do you long for? When we think about longing, we think about the desires of our hearts. We think about what we’re passionate about or what we’re trying to heal. We think about our “why”! When we can articulate our “why”, we then need to ask, “how do we work towards obtaining what we are longing for?”, and “when will we know we have arrived?” I challenge you to work on these three questions in therapy, meditation, journaling, and/or conversation with others. What do you long for? What do you need to do to go after it? How will you know when you’ve arrived at it?
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Abby’s Affirmations
"Don’t defend yourself, DEFINE YOURSELF."
The first time I heard this statement, it lived rent free in my head for weeks. How can I live intentionally and consistently so that how I identify and how others see me align? How can I show up fully and authentically in every space I find myself, so that others know who I am and what I stand for without a doubt? I have defined my why, and actively live life on purpose, for a purpose, and with purpose.
What does it mean to you to define yourself?
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
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"What’s Going On?"
Longing for connection is rooted in the desire to belong, to be seen, to understand and be understood, to be affirmed. When I think about the lyrics to Marvin Gaye’s song, “What’s Going On”, the line, “ Talk to me, so you can see, what’s going on”, has always moved me. So many of the conflicts in our world - interpersonal, social, intergroup - could be resolved through connection and communication. When we actively listen, with the intent to understand and connect, we attune with each other, finding common ground, and space for healing conflicts. As you take a moment out of your day to listen to this classic, take in the words and make a commitment to use deep conversation and active listening to make at least one new connection this week.
Enjoy a music break!
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