Shifting the Narrative

Who has privilege in adoption?

Privilege refers to the benefits or advantages that one has access to solely based on belonging to a certain group or class. Privileges are those things we can take for granted because they come with "membership". In adoption, money, age, and social class all influence who has privilege. Specifically, white, affluent, heterosexual adults who are married and want to have families have the most privilege in the adoption process. In addition, adopted parents primarily have the financial capital to influence adoption practices. Adoption agencies have policy and legal backing to influence adoption. Even western societies' media influences how we view adoption as altruistic parents "saving" children in need from undeserving and/or ill-equipped birth families. As more and more adult adoptees, birth families, and people from marginalized communities do research and speak about adoption, the narrative begins to shift. How are you shifting the traditional adoption narrative?

Therapy Thoughts

What does it mean to “do your own work”?

I asked this question on social media and got some great responses. Personally, I know I have done my own work when I process through stuck points that cause emotional pain and or stress (releasing stress from body, mind, and spirit), take accountability for my parts of rupture and repair in relationships both inter and intra- personal (no outward defensiveness or internal negative self-talk), and when I allow myself to assign both grace and ownership to others in difficult relationships or interactions (no people pleasing). Here is what others thought:

"It means to focus on your own healing and not trying to ‘fix’ others to your liking."

"To take my triggers and own ideas about what is ‘normal’ seriously, meaning; that everything is always changing and changeable and that I need to continue to level up."

"Take advantage of those 'opportunities' when we realize we have activation/feelings around a thing to go deeper and understand and/or heal."

"Keeping track of patterns by way of documenting (writing, art, spoken words...) since sometimes the state of mind that create certain ones can cause a lapse in memory."

"Letting go of the idea of “if the other person was doing their work, it would be easier”. I can only control what I do, how I respond."

"Doing my own work means I'm no longer going to outsource my peace, self-compassion, and gentle journey of my own life wisdom.

Doing my own work looks like sitting with even uncomfortable feelings and letting my younger self know she's not alone, she's safe, and she's going to make it through.

Doing my own work involves new healthy habits to truly practice self-awareness, self-compassion, gratitude for past survival, daily grounding, and being present."

"[Doing my work is] containing [my trauma] in healthy ways by finding the right therapeutic support, educating myself, and learning to get comfortable with my discomfort." 

Abby’s Affirmations

“Show up intentionally”

I spend a lot of time reflecting on my interactions with others and thinking about how I can better navigate those spaces. I want to show up with intention, considering how I see others, how they see me, and how I want to be seen. It is not only important for me to think about how others see me, but for me to intentionally treat others with compassion, empathy, and equity.

“Bag Lady"

What happens when you don’t do your own work?

When I tell people that my biological mom has refused any contact with me, they either react with anger at her or sadness for me. I try to explain that it is about her not having done her work after relinquishment. Without true reflection and therapeutic healing, she is left with bags and bags of shame, guilt, pain, embarrassment, resentment, grief, and loss. Her defense of choice is avoidance and deflection. I have empathy for her and hope that one day she does her work and frees herself from all of the bags of negativity that she carries. Only in doing your own work, will you have room for love and relationship.

Enjoy a music break!