I continue to hear a common statement from the men I see in my private practice. I feel it is a universal statement (feeling) many men share, or at least, understand.
“I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t”.
Disclaimer: Before I am criticized, judged, blamed, or labeled a man hater, I want to be clear that I do not hate men. Before I seemingly sound as if I am siding with men, there are no sides to take in the therapy world. I am merely taking what I have experienced and witnessed in my office in the last 30 plus years working with men individually as well as in relationships.
The expression “Damned if I do and damned if I don’t” is a common idiom used to describe a situation where someone (male or female) feels trapped or faces negative consequences regardless of the choice they make. While the exact origin of this phrase is not definitively known, it often comes out of the mouths of men…at least in my therapy world.
Yes, of course, this sentiment has been expressed by men and women when faced with difficult decisions or situations where the outcomes appear unfavorable no matter what action they take. With men, the outcomes they are referring to are most commonly regarding a significant other.
No matter how you look at it, “Damned if I do and damned if I don’t”, is a statement based on a feeling conveying a sense of being caught between two options, with no clear path to a positive outcome. This now is more than likely described by a partner as he being shut down, distant, disengaged, or emotionally unavailable.