FOCUS: Men's Perspective
EDITION: November 2023
I continue to hear a common statement from the men I see in my private practice. I feel it is a universal statement (feeling) many men share, or at least, understand.

“I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t”.

Disclaimer: Before I am criticized, judged, blamed, or labeled a man hater, I want to be clear that I do not hate men. Before I seemingly sound as if I am siding with men, there are no sides to take in the therapy world. I am merely taking what I have experienced and witnessed in my office in the last 30 plus years working with men individually as well as in relationships.

The expression “Damned if I do and damned if I don’t” is a common idiom used to describe a situation where someone (male or female) feels trapped or faces negative consequences regardless of the choice they make. While the exact origin of this phrase is not definitively known, it often comes out of the mouths of men…at least in my therapy world.

Yes, of course, this sentiment has been expressed by men and women when faced with difficult decisions or situations where the outcomes appear unfavorable no matter what action they take. With men, the outcomes they are referring to are most commonly regarding a significant other.

No matter how you look at it, “Damned if I do and damned if I don’t”, is a statement based on a feeling conveying a sense of being caught between two options, with no clear path to a positive outcome. This now is more than likely described by a partner as he being shut down, distant, disengaged, or emotionally unavailable.

In relationships, when men feel like they’re “damned if they do and damned if they don’t,” they generally use various excuses or explanations to rationalize their feelings or actions. It’s important to remember that these excuses are not universal, and every individual’s experience is unique.

Here are some common excuses or justifications that some men might use in such situations:

  1. Fear of Upsetting the Partner: Stop avoiding or taking action or making decisions because you fear that your choices will upset their partner or lead to conflict. This is a cop out. I am guessing you withdrawing and being passive aggressive already upsets them.
  2. Lack of Clarity: Using the excuse that you are unsure about what your partner truly wants or expects from you will only make it difficult for you to act confidently. Not knowing isn’t going to fly. You know what your partner wants. I am guessing they are repeated it over and over again., If you really don’t think you know, ask.
  3. Past Negative Experiences: Using past experiences of criticism or negative consequences when you have “tried to take the initiative or make decisions” will not set you up to feel confident. You will feel and appear weak.

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Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.

I want each person I work with to know they do have a voice, and by becoming accountable, they can change their lives for the better.
CRT, CCDC, CACC
Life Coach & Counselor