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Ok I will go first into the confessional. I regularly cheat on myself by eating behind my own back. That end of the French stick, the 6 olives and the scraping of the casserole dish (post-meal), I reason, don’t “count” as food. The waistline begs to differ.
For many years my younger self laboured under the lie that I was a die-hard “party girl”. It seemed an attractive and wild notion to put out there. I wanted people to see me as that chandelier-swinging Holly Golightly that was always there for the opening of a packet of peanuts or the promise of prosecco.
Trouble is my true self found parties hard work. I was the intense one, dressed in black, crammed in by the fridge and the sink desperately trying to have a meaningful conversation with an indifferent stranger with their eye on the buffet.
I was in denial of being an introvert and terribly shy. I thought I might look uncool or dull.*
There are many things we say and do to not show up as our true selves.
Want to know if you’re psychologically a “pants of fire” person wearing a “mask”, not sitting in their own authenticity then see if you dare own up to saying any of these:
“I’m fine” – to make other people feel better
“Other people have it worse” – minimising lie to invalidate real pain you are scared to acknowledge
“Everyone means well” – not acknowledging how others have or can hurt you
“I will start this soon” – stalling and procrastinating
“It’s too late for me” – fear of change and improving/a giving up
“I don’t care” – shielding disappointment
“It’s probably just me” – feeling “othered” or isolated, when there is a universality with private struggles
“It’s just who I am” – fear of doing the inner work, a defensive justifying of bad habits
It’s not about being blunt or feeling the need to overshare our hurt or fear.
Sometimes we need time and the courage to be honest with ourselves with compassion. When we are in fear we put up social barriers to put others at a distance when we need to show ourselves the kindness to acknowledge our humanity. If you are not being true to you, who or how are you being?
Here are three coaching questions to run through when you feel you are not showing up in your life.
- “What lie do I tell myself when I’m afraid of disappointing someone?”
- “What lie do I tell myself when I’m tired?”
- “What lie do I tell myself when I’m on the edge of growth?”
*For the record I now fully embrace the subtle and sensuous landscape of being an introvert. I love solitude, books, reflection and small gatherings and have an allergy to loud places, loud people and most competitive sports. I call myself an “introdiva” or “divavert” for I have quiet passions and requirements that would make an extrovert run for cover
It’s good to own your very self!
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