For Immediate Release

´╗┐April 1, 2024


DANBURY, CT. Daily Bread has become the world's first food pantry to offer driverless home delivery. The new system will operate alongside its existing DoorDash program.

The announcement has stunned industry analysts, who had all but written off Daily Bread after a disastrous move into rutabaga futures last year.

The pantry overcame budgetary constraints by adapting an existing product: the robot vacuum cleaner. Not only did this save on development costs, but the pantry has been able to acquire a sizable fleet of donated units. "In many cases, people get these things as unwanted gifts, and they end up just gathering dust" explained Daily Bread President Peter Kent. "Folks are happy for us to take them."

Other than new software, donated vacuum cleaners require surprisingly few modifications to meet Daily Bread's needs. Robot vacuums already contain the necessary motors, sensors and navigation equipment, so it's just a question of adding some ground clearance and eliminating the vacuum function. That way, more power goes to the wheels, enabling the appliance to reach highway speeds. Daily Bread engineers did consider keeping some cleaning ability, but market research indicated guests preferred quick delivery over housekeeping help. The pantry's Advertising Department ran with the decision, launching the new service with the slogan "Home Delivery That Doesn't Suck!"

Testing the modified vacuums was not without incident, with several fiery crashes. "Look, fiery crashes are expected in this business," dismissed Kent. "If you don't have them, or just have regular crashes, you are probably doing something wrong." To mitigate the fiery crashes, and to reduce food waste, prototypes were sent out loaded only with food-adjacent items such as rutabagas.

The system comes with its own app, available for Android and iOS. Guests requesting home delivery can track the progress of their vacuum and, if desired, put the device into "hyperdrive mode" to get their food even faster.*

If you have a robot vacuum cleaner you don't need, smash that "Donate" button! In fact, smash it anyway, and you will be entered to win a lifetime supply of rutabaga. Void where prohibited.

* Hyperdrive mode is an experimental feature that increases the risk of a fiery crash. User discretion is advised.

Donate Your Robot Vacuum Cleaner/Enter Rutabaga Sweepstakes

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