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When someone dies from substance use, explaining it to children and teens can feel overwhelming and intimidating. This is especially true when our impulse is to try to protect them from the stigma and shame that can surround this type of death. Here are some tips for talking with children and teens about a death from substance use and ways to support them in their grief.
Tell the truth
How do I tell my child or teen? It’s a question we hear a lot. Start with a short, simple explanation of what happened, in language children can understand, and let their questions guide what else to share. Avoid euphemisms such as passed away, crossed over, or lost, as they are confusing, especially to young children.
Being honest and open minimizes confusion and keeps children and teens from using their energy and resources to try and figure out what happened. News travels fast, and it is important for children to hear about the death from a caring adult rather than through social media or gossip.
Remember that words matter
There are some words and ways of talking that can add to the shame and stigma surrounding a death from substance use. Although they are common, consider avoiding words like addict, abuse/abuser, overdose death, and clean. Instead, try saying, he struggled with substance use, her body became dependent on medication, or they had a disease that made them use more (alcohol, medicine, or drugs) than was safe for their body. Using this language decreases stigma and judgment and enables us to talk about death from substance use the way we would any other mode of death. It also emphasizes the worth of the person who died rather than labeling them based on how they died.
The question why
Why? is a common question when someone dies from substance use. While children and teens might understand the physical reasons someone dies, they may have a lot of questions about substance use, the difference between substances, or why the person who died wasn’t able to stop drinking or using drugs. If children and teens didn’t know about their person’s substance use, they may need more information about how using substances affects people. You can support children and teens by explaining there are many factors that can lead someone to die from substance use. You can reassure them the death was not their fault and there was nothing they could have done or said to make the person stop using substances. You can also offer support by listening, encouraging them to come to you with questions and concerns, and helping them find ways to express their thoughts and emotions.
Listen compassionately
When children and teens are grieving, people can be quick to offer advice and give opinions. What’s most helpful is to listen without judging, interpreting, advising, or evaluating. It can be tempting to minimize their feelings, or convince them to think or feel differently than they do. If it’s a case of misinformation, it’s helpful to provide the correct details, but still allow them to express their take on things. Sometimes the best response is to validate their thoughts and feelings.
Remembering the person who died
Remember and talk about how the person lived rather than just about how they died. Their life was unique and important. After someone dies from substance use, people often avoid talking about them because they don’t know what to say. Children and teens might worry that people will say hurtful things about the person who died and others struggling with substance use. You can help by sharing pictures, stories, and details about the person’s life. Sometimes just remembering to say the person’s name can be very meaningful.
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Grief is unique to each person and every family. Please adapt these suggestions as needed.
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