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What do you say when you find out someone died? What words do you write in a sympathy card or email? It’s a universal struggle to know what to say in an inherently emotional and potentially uncomfortable situation.
We are often at a loss in this situation and don’t know what to say when someone we know is grieving. At Dougy Center, families share they sometimes brace themselves for the automatic, “I’m sorry for your loss,” or “I'm sorry.”
When asked why “I’m sorry” doesn’t work well, children and teens had this to say:
- “How am I supposed to respond? It’s okay? I mean it’s not okay.”
- “It’s not their fault, why are they apologizing?”
- “It’s just so awkward. It’s like a total conversation stopper.”
- “I know they mean well, but it just gets old.”
Does this mean definitively that you should never say “I'm sorry” to someone who is grieving? No, but it can be helpful to consider the relationship you have with the person and the context of the conversation when choosing what to say. If a friend calls to tell you that someone died, that’s a time when an authentic, heartfelt, “I’m sorry” can serve as a connection.
Keep in mind that the person who is grieving has likely heard “I'm sorry” many times over. Some alternatives include, “I was so sad to hear the news,” “I’m thinking about you,” or “It's so heartbreaking.”
Another option if you're speaking to the person is to repeat back what the person tells you, “Your dad died last night.” This gives them the opportunity to say more and direct the conversation.
When it comes to children and teens, one of the only alternatives they’ve offered is, “That totally sucks.” Of course, if that’s language you’re not comfortable with, you might come up with something else that acknowledges the reality of the loss without verging into what the teens call, “sympathy overload.” Many teens appreciate when people can remain matter of fact while talking about the death.
In the end, there are no perfect words to say. Conveying a sense of calm and ease when someone does tell you about a death goes a long way to dismantle the awkwardness and discomfort they are used to encountering. From that foundation, you can choose which words to say based on your connection with that person and the context of the conversation.
Try writing down a few alternative phrases, or think of something about the person who died that you can share. This will make it easier to access them the next time you want to communicate that you care to someone who is grieving.
Learn more here
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