10 tips for supporting children who are grieving

Supporting a child who is grieving can feel overwhelming. As caring adults, we want to be helpful, but may not know what to do or say. Here are a few basic principles to keep in mind.

1. Speak openly and honestly about the death. Let their questions guide what else to share. While it can be helpful to avoid euphemisms such as "went to sleep," "lost," "crossed over," and even "passed away" because they can be confusing for children, it's also important for families to use language that is culturally relevant for them. If a term such as passed away, transitioned, no longer with us, or another way of describing death best reflects your family's culture or beliefs, it's helpful to also explain what that term or phrase means using the concrete language such as, "their body stopped working."
2. Listen. When a child is grieving, people can be quick to offer advice, give opinions, and try to "fix" the situation. What’s most helpful is to listen without judging, interpreting, or evaluating.
3. Be open to different ways of grieving. What grief looks like varies greatly. Some children may cry quietly and want to be left alone. Others might have difficulty sitting still or being by themselves. Some children will not show any reaction. Each grief experience is unique. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and allowing them to grieve in their own way reinforces that there are many ways to respond, and that it’s okay as long as their behavior does not hurt others or themselves.
4. Offer choices. A death can leave children feeling powerless. Whenever possible, invite children into the decision-making process. Providing informed choices helps them know they’re valued and that they’re an important part of the family.
5. Provide outlets for self-expression. Many children will express themselves through art, writing, music, creative play. or physical activity.
6. Talk about and remember the person who died. By bringing up the person’s name, you give children permission to share their feelings and memories.
7. Provide consistency and routine. Life is often in upheaval after a death, so finding ways to create safety and predictability is helpful for children.
8. Know that grief doesn’t follow a schedule. You may have heard that grief follows a linear course of stages. In reality, grief may include one, all, or none of these experiences and they do not occur in any particular order. Grief does not have a timeline, and it changes over the course of someone’s life.
9. Get extra help if needed. While most children and teens will ultimately return to their prior level of functioning following a death, some are potentially at risk for developing challenges such as depression, difficulties at school, or anxiety. If you notice ongoing behaviors that interfere with a child’s daily life, seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional.
10. Find sources of support for yourself. If you are parenting or supporting a child who is grieving, one of the best ways to help is to ensure that you are taking care of yourself. By accessing support, you model for your children ways to take care of themselves, and you reassure them that you will have the energy and presence to be there for them.



These are just a few tips for how to care for a child who is grieving (and yourself). Grief is unique to each person and every family, so adapt these suggestions as needed. Find more information and tip sheets in English here and in Spanish here.