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Lisa Athan, MA, Executive
Director of Grief Speaks, Grief Recovery Specialist
Lisa presented When Students Grieve: How Schools Can Help at When
a Family is Affected by Cancer: Strengthening the School's Response
on October 26, 2010. The workshop was for educators and
professionals.
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Lisa presented to Education
Majors at Seton Hall University showing how to use a Scream
Box
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UPCOMING
PRESENTATIONS:
NJ3C
2010
New
Jersey Community College Counselors' Association
Inc.
30th
Annual Conference:
"Responding to a loss: Grief
Counseling Interventions for Community College
Professionals"
Keynote Address by Lisa Athan who will deliver a 6 hour workshop
at Brookdale College on December 10, 2010
Audience: College Counselors, Career Counselors, Mental Health
Professionals, Faculty and Administrators, Graduate Students
Rainbows
Belleville High
School (professional development)
Westfield High
School (high school health classes)
James Caldwell
High School (high school health classes)
Somerset Votech
(high school classes)
Assumption
Academy
Essex Fells
School
St. Michael's
Church Youth Group
Summit School
District (parent and child program)
Sage Day
School
See more on the Grief Speaks
Calendar
link on top of
newsletter
Testimonials
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Feedback from Lisa's Grief Speaks
Presentations
Lisa:
Thanks so much for
your wonderful presentation. I found the information, your
handouts, PowerPoint and, in particular your display of various
books and toys very useful. ( By the way, can I have a copy of your
PowerPoint?)
In talking with
colleagues, we all agreed that it was also your obvious caring for
clients that was so moving and inspired us. Many of us go to
presentations and receive knowledge, but are not inspired to
remember the difference we can make by being caring and
kind.
Thank you so much
for that reminder.
Agnes Brophy,
LCSW
Director
Teen Guide Zone @
ACHS
Dear Lisa,
Thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule to speak in
Dr. Kaspereen's Schools, Community & Substance Abuse class.
Your insights into helping others understand and process grief are
invaluable in my work as a counselor and within my personal life as
well. Your engaging and honest presentation style was refreshing and your book
recommendations invaluable for my growing library of counseling
materials. During this time of Thanksgiving, I am thankful to have
experienced professionals like yourself who are willing to take the
time to educate the future counselors of the world. Thanks again,
and Happy Thanksgiving!
"Dear Mrs. Athan,
I really enjoyed your speech and it has opened my eyes. One of my
friends was with me when you spoke and I used to bully him a lot. I
used to call him names and pick on him but now I have stopped and
we are better friends. Thank you for coming and speaking in our
school. I will really start to think about my actions before I
start doing things like picking on friends and others that I don't
really know." (9th grader at JDHS)
Mrs.
Athan,
Your presentation was amazing. I wanted to listen all day! It was
so touching and some of the things you said that other kids go
through, help me feel not so alone with my problems I had, have
and will encounter. Please keep going to school and talking about
this because you are GREAT! My grandma died last summer and then my
grandpa died soon after. My family is still mourning every day in
some ways. You taught me that it is okay to mourn. I love your
balloon and letter idea. I will contact one day if I ever have a
problem that I need help with,
Thank You (a high school student)
Dear
Lisa,
I am an adult student completing my Master's degree in Counseling
at Seton Hall University. At attended the NJ Counseling Association
Conference this past April and was in your session. It was
wonderful! I use your website all the time for reference material,
others love it too.
Thank you,
Heather Spezzaferro
Comments
on the evaluations following the New Jersey Counseling Association
2010 Conference:
Best presentation yet! Hands on, exciting, real life examples,
ideas to utilize!
Energetic, excellent.
Wow, excellent!
Great presenter, energetic and very informative.
Lisa Athan kept the presentation lively and informative.
Vibrant presentation.
Great use of humor and keeping our attention and interest.
Extremely knowledgeable.
You were phenomenal!
Multi-sensory, verbal, visual, tactile, clear, funny, complete,
inspiring and helpful!
Find out what other school counselors, SAC's,
teachers, students, staff and parents have to say about Grief
Speaks presentations.
See Testimonials on the web site at:
http://www.griefspeaks.com/testimonials
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Greetings!
The
holidays are upon us and this time of year may be particularly
difficult for those who are experiencing a loss of any kind.
Grieving children, teens and adults may need extra support,
reassurance and the permission and opportunities to grieve. This
may be a good time to consider having Grief Speaks come to your
school, agency, hospital or community to provide one of many
different presentations or workshops that aim to educate children,
teens and adults about healthy ways to cope with grief, loss and
other tough stuff.
Grief Speaks is an organization with a website that is
full of information, resources and support for children, teens and
adults. GS is dedicated to normalizing grief in the
lives of children, teenagers and adults. The website provides a
great deal of information about coping with all types of loss.
Grief Speaks provides schools, hospitals, agencies, universities
and communities with cutting edge professional development,
workshops, presentations, groups and consultations. Lisa
Athan,MA, Grief Recovery Specialist is the Founder and Executive
Director of Grief Speaks. She speaks in schools Pre-K through 12th
grade, college and graduate level, to students, teachers, school
staff and parents on topics related to grief, loss and
coping. Such titles as Supporting Grieving Students
through Grief, Loss and other Tough Stuff, What Parents Need to
Know about Children and Grief, and What Hospital Staff Needs to
Know about Grief and Loss. Lisa also presents on subjects involving
adult grief and loss as well. Lisa speaks with passion,
knowledge and humor, while providing her audiences with a wealth of
information, resources, tools and strategies for coping and healing
through the grief from many different types of loss. Grief
stems from losses involving relationships (through death,
separation, divorce, and abandonment), ambiguous losses (dementia,
mental illness, immigration, addiction, adoption) loss of
possessions, our home environment, skills and abilities, status,
work, identity, dreams and hopes and more. Remember that in order
to "heal it, we must feel it". Grief is a normal and natural
reaction to a loss, that affects us physically, mentally,
emotionally and spiritually. Visit www.griefspeaks.com for a
wealth of information on grief, losses of all kinds and healthy
coping. Feel free to email Lisa for suggestions on dealing with a
particular issue at Lisa@griefspeaks.com. 
 
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When
a Death Occurs in a Child's Life: How Schools Can Help
Often teachers and school staff feel ill-prepared to support a
grieving student who returns to school. It is important to remember
that children grieve in individual ways, just like adults do. There
is no time line for grief. Each circumstance is different. I often
get called into schools following a loss and here are some of the
suggestions that I share with school staff:
Children may become upset by discussion about their loved
one. It isn't the conversation that often is upsetting as
much as the grief about that loss. Talking with children provides a
chance for them to show their feelings. I often ask the student if
and how they would like to share with their classmates about the
loss. Some children absolutely don't want anyone to know and others
are open and want to talk to the class. Sometimes a teacher or
school counselor can advocate for the student and let the class
know the student's wishes. Last week I was in a school and helped a
3rd grader tell her classmates that she didn't want them to talk
about her dad's recent tragic death. They listened and asked what
they could do if she was crying. She told them and it helped them
all.
Children express feelings in ways other than
talking. Children may use play or creative activities,
such as writing or drawing to express their grief. A child's work
is play. Play helps them to come to a better understanding of
grief. We can take cues as to how they may be doing from observing
their art, play, writing and conversations with peers. It is
important not to jump to conclusions though because it is common
that following a traumatic loss, a child may only show happy things
in her/his work for a time until she/he is ready to deal with the
grief. Teens also may want to only listen to "happy" music showing
that they too are not ready. It is important to allow the student
to take the lead on his/her grief and not to push them to talk
about it or face the loss until they are ready.
Children may often feel guilty after a loss.
Young children often use magical thinking which means they think
that their own thoughts, wishes and actions can make things happen.
Adults may reinforce this misconception when they suggest that
children make a wish for something they want to happen. After a
tragic loss it is not uncommon for children to blame themselves as
they had a fight with a parent or said something mean to a
classmate who died shortly after, or wished that a sick grandma
would just "die" already. One teenager wrote to me asking me if I
thought that his dad would ever forgive him for the fight they had
the night prior to his dad's sudden death due to a heart attack.
Often guilt is common if the child was angry at the person
before they died, or if the death occurred after a long illness, or
if some action of the child seems related to the death. A
teen may have been in a heated argument with a friend shortly
before the friend died in a car crash.
Children often express anger about the death. We
all tend to want to blame someone when someone dies. Often it is
the doctor, the funeral home, someone else, the person, God, or
ourselves. Children often feel angry at the person who died for
leaving them (as adults do as well). Family members who may be
supportive and loving may bear the brunt of this anger as they are
"safe" targets. One woman shared with me that when her husband died
her two daughters were angry at her for years after. She knew it
was their dad's death that made them angry but also knew that it
was hard to be mad at a dead person. She was amazingly patient and
they finally worked through their anger. A mom shared with me
yesterday that when she was 13 and her brother 15 their dad died.
She told me that her brother was angry for about 4 years and then
"grew out of it". Sometimes teens will engage in risky behaviors
such as drinking, drugs, fights, driving recklessly. Some may
become involved in sexual activity or delinquency or begin to show
problems in school, with friends or at home. These students need
extra support and often do well in a support group. For information
on free year round support groups visit www.dougy.org. For help with starting or
running a support group at school for bereaved students please
contact Lisa Athan at lisa@griefspeaks.com
(adapted from The Grieving
Student: A Teacher's Guide, info below in book list)
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When
a Death Affects the Entire School:
Giving
Support to Students: (Don't forget that the NJ Traumatic Loss
Coalition for Youth is available to all schools in NJ. Contact
information below):
- Know
the guidelines of the school for each situation and know the crisis
plan.
- Remember
that any student may be deeply affected. (It is impossible
to know the experiences of each student).
- Be
approachable.
- Listen
(more work can get done when teachers allow a few minutes to listen
to student concerns. It is okay to say, "I don't know". Often
details are not provided or known immediately and assure the
students that as information comes in.
- Protect
students (those who cry a lot and easily may be teased,
reporters may want to talk to students, be careful of whispering
among staff as students often overhear and become more anxious,
avoid having TV, computers or news streamed into the school that
may repeat details about a death)
- Make
Connections: Teach about grief and normalize support
(explain normal signs of grief in students. Visit the Grief Speaks
web site).
- Be
a positive role model. (It is okay for students to see
teachers' emotions as well as ways that they are coping with the
loss. Share some helpful ways that you cope (journaling, exercise,
talking to a friend, yoga, breathing etc).
- Watch
for signs of distress now and over time.
- Seek
personal support. Teachers are often deeply affected by
the loss of a student or staff member who they may have know a long
time. Teachers may consider visiting the staff support room or
talking with a counselor. Again, a great time to bring in the TLC
when the entire staff is hurting and needs some extra
support.
Who
are the students at high risk?
- Siblings
and students who were close friends of the deceased or perceived to
be close.
- Students
who shared a class with the deceased
- Students
who shared extracurricular activities with the
deceased.
- Students
who had complicated or difficult relationships with the
deceased.
- Students
who shared some meaningful characteristic with the deceased.
- Students
with a history of prior losses or emotional
difficulties.
- Students
who have already known someone who died from a similar
cause.
- Students
who may worry about similar losses.
- Students
with preexisting conditions.
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Good
Books,Websites and Resource about Children, Teens and Grief:
There
are many more books and resources on the Grief Speaks website, but
here are some:
The
Grieving Student: A Teacher's Guide by David J. Schonfeld
and Marcia Quackenbush
When Kids Are Grieving: Addressing Grief and Loss
in School by Donna M. Burns (Great resource)
Great Answers to Difficult
Questions About Death: What Children Need to Know by
Linda Goldman (her website: WWW.childrensgrief.net)
When
Dinosaurs Die: : A Guide to Understanding Death by
Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
The
Grieving Child & The Grieving Teen: A guide for teenagers and
their friends both books by Helen Fitzgerald
Healing A Teen's
Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and
Caregivers: by Alan Wolfelt (Director of the Center for
Loss and Life Transition in Colorado).
Healing
Your Grieving Heart for Kids: 100 Practical Ideas, Simple advice
and activities for children after a death by Alan
Wolfelt
Teen
Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding, Support and
Guidance by Dr. Heidi Horsley and Dr. Gloria Horsley
Why
Did You Die? Activities to Help Children Cope with Grief and
Loss by Erika Leeuwenburgh, LPC and Ellen Goldring,
LPC
Fire
In My Heart and Ice In My Veins: A
Journal for Teenagers Experiencing a Loss by Enid Samuel
Traisman
My Uncle
Keith Died by Carol Ann Loehr (a book that explains suicide
to children by teaching about depression. Carol's website:
WWW.thegiftofkeith.org is dedicated to her son, and provides info
and support for suicide survivors.
Counseling Loss ( Vincent Dopulos' website on his work
with children experiencing the loss of a family member or
sibling as well as stress in school or social interaction. His
structure for working with children is using games, physical play,
mask making and drama.The objective of this work is the relief of
symptoms: addressing fears, creating ease, comfort and a relaxed
sense of presence within yourself and in relating to
others.
Traumatic Loss Coalition for
Youth: Free support to schools in NJ immediately following a
suicide death or other traumatic loss of student or staff member.
Lead response team is well trained in Post Traumatic Stress
Management. Click on the link at top left of newsletter to find out
about how TLC can help you in your school. Trainings available as
well.
visit: ubhc.umdnj.edu/brti/TLC.htm (TLC by county)
WEBSITES: (These are not hyper
links, please write them down or print)
www.good-grief.org (free,
year round peer grief support for children 3-18 and parent(s) after
the loss of a parent or sibling.)
www.rainbows.org
: (free time limited support groups for children ages 4-14 coping
with a death, divorce or abandonment situation).
www.comfortzonecamp.org
(free weekend bereavement camps in NJ for children 7-17 who have
lost a parent or sibling).
www.2ndFloor.org
(web site about teen issues, and a 24 hour helpline 888-222-2228
for kids 10-24)
www.afsp.org
(American Foundation of Suicide Prevention) online training for
teachers, parent and teen information and articles
www.sptsnj.org
(The Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide of NJ) Great site
with online training for educators, video for parents- Not My Kid
and a lot of great information for parents and teens.
www.contactwecare.org
(Contact We Care)
Extensive volunteer training to work the hot line. Also conducts a
great two day training on Suicide Prevention called: ASIST: Applied
Suicide Intervention Skills. To find out about volunteering or for
the training call: 1-908-301-1899
Help
Lines
Contact We
Care: 24/7 crisis helpline:
908-232-2880;
National
Suicide Prevention Hot line: 24/7 : 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
BILINGUAL- routes calls to a local or regional suicide crisis hot
line
2nd
Floor: 1-888-222-2228 (24/7 helpline for youth and teens aged
10-24)
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I
hope that you found this information helpful. Please pass it on to
others who it may help by clicking on the forward to a friend
button below. Please check out my web site as there is a lot of
material on coping with many different types of loss.
"It's okay not to be the strong one. I am the oldest child in my
family, and I thought I had to be strong for my dad and sister, but
what I really needed was to cry and grieve myself, not be the rock.
When I finally was able to have a good cry and look at pictures of
my mom, I really benefited." - Matt
Each time we allow a child, teenager or adult to share a bit of
their grief we are helping them by sharing their load a little bit.
It is so important that we listen and listen and listen some
more.
Sincerely,
Lisa
Lisa Athan, MA
Executive Director of Grief Speaks
Grief Recovery Specialist
www.griefspeaks.com
Lisa@griefspeaks.com
(973) 912-0177
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