Healthy Hits!
We All Deserve Healthy Love
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In this week's newsletter, we will be discussing healthy relationships and domestic violence in honor of domestic violence awareness month.
Content warning: The topic of this week’s edition may be uncomfortable for some readers. Whether you decide to read it or not, take care of yourself first and pay attention to what you feel and need right now.
Next week: Halloween is upon us, and what is spookier than a tricky situation with substance use? Submit any questions or topics related to healthy and unhealthy substance use you would like addressed in the next newsletter!
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This Health Promotion and Wellness Office Newsletter is student-run and student-centered. We want you to be heard! What health-related questions do you have, and what topics do you want to read about? Click below to let us know! | |
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What is Domestic Violence?
How do I know when to get help?
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The ideal relationship can look different for everybody. However, a relationship should always help support both member's health, individuality, and goals.
Domestic violence, or intimate partner violence is when:
- One partner makes another feel unsafe, or tries to gain control over them through coercive or harmful behaviors
- It can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, threats, etc.
But definitions like this don't actually tell us how to know when we or someone we care about is experiencing abuse. That's because relationships are nuanced. Oftentimes, we don't reach out for help because our experience doesn't line up with what we believe is abuse based on media and what we've heard from others. But it is always good to check-in. Here are some questions to ask yourself or someone else to help you recognize healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics:
- Does my relationship support or undermine my self esteem?
- Does my relationship respect my independence and privacy?
- Do we both take responsibility and listen to each other when we make mistakes?
- Does my relationship validate or dismiss my emotions and feelings?
- Does my relationship make me feel isolated from others?
- What happens in my relationship when I set a boundary, or say "no"?
- Does my relationship make me feel safe or unsafe, physically or emotionally?
As you answer these questions, notice what comes up, and how you feel. There is always room for improvement in a relationship, but thinking about it should not make you feel trapped, isolated, scared, weak, or unsafe. If you find yourself feeling this way, it could be a sign that your relationship may be unhealthy, but there are people and resources on campus that are here to help!
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Keep reading for:
- Tips on selecting a resource
- On and off campus resource lists
- Terminology
- Journal Prompts
- Recovery Resources
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Emotional abuse can be harder to recognize, at times. For some specific examples of what emotional abuse could look or sound like, read this article: "How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Abuse" (Link)
Remember, it can look different for everyone!
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How do I ask for help? How do I offer it? | |
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When deciding where to start, there are a few things one may consider:
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How comfortable are you speaking to different people about what you are going through? Some resources may be more approachable for you than others (e.g. a confidential advocate or a counselor) and you might consider inviting a friend to come with you as a support person.
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What outcomes do you want from the resource? Under Title IX, there are multiple avenues for reporting an unhealthy situation, and there are options for what kind of support you want or need (e.g. a no contact order, housing, academic, escorting, etc; see "Your Options" (link)). You do not have to know already whether you want legal or disciplinary support--confidential advocates (link) and counselors are a great place to start because they can help you make these decisions.
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What resources can you access safely? It may be helpful to consider whether or not your partner has access to your internet history or location. You may want to use a public or work device if you are concerned about your privacy.
Remember, it is never your fault that you are experiencing violence or abuse, and many people struggle to leave or reach out for help. Sometimes the easiest first step is telling someone you trust, "I need help, and I don't know where to start." You deserve to feel safe, valued, and free.
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Link: L&C Survivor Handbook
Describes options, rights, available resources and accommodations, reporting, disciplinary processes, etc. + a master list of on and off-campus resources. If legal jargon feels overwhelming, start at the bottom of the page with the other resources and tips for self-care and supporting peers.
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Link: L&C Title IX Coordinator(s)
Title IXis a part of the Education Amendments ACT (1972) requiring institutions to protect communicty members from discrimination, including violence. Filing a report with the Title IX office will open a conversation about resources and responses you would like to pursue.
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Link: L&C Survivors Web Page
Another good place for resources, including local, regional, and national options. Crisis lines are also listed, and some resources/information are tailored for individuals from different backgrounds or with different gender/sexual identities. This is a good starting point as well!
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What about healthy relationships? What do they look like?
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Here are some journal prompts for reflecting on love and relationships:
- How does my partner (or friend/parent/sibling) show that they love me? How do I show I love them?
- Reflect on a current or past relationship. How have you/did you change during that time? How did that person influence that change?
- Recall a time when you could have been a better partner (or friend, etc.). Write what you would have done differently, or what you would like to say to that person now. We all make mistakes!
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Check out our Healthy Hits Playlist on Spotify! This week, we are adding some great songs by survivors of abuse who were vocal about their experiences or advocated for others. | |
- "What's Love Got to do With it?" by Tina Turner
- "Cherry Wine" by Hozier
- "Love on the Brain" by Rihanna
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Side Note: Language Around Domestic Violence | | |
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The terminology around domestic violence is complicated, and may be important in certain circumstances (e.g. legal and medical settings). Here are some terms you may encounter:
- Relationship, interpersonal, intimate partner, honor-based, or gender-based violence or abuse
I haven’t been specific about terminology in this newsletter, but it might be helpful to learn about some of this language. You may be more comfortable with certain terms or approaches to defining an experience, you may want to use different keywords in online searches. "Intimate partner violence," for example, may be better for finding information about experiences with a partner you do not live with, while domestic violence traditionally refers to domestic relationships.
Other terms, like survivor or victim, or abuser or perpetrator, may be helpful as you process and speak about personal experiences, but you should pay attention to how others describe their situation before applying these words to them. Everyone has a different experience, and these words have strong meanings that may not align with how everythone thinks about and deals with their own.
That being said, language is a tool, not a requirement. If this language is unhelpful or unapproachable, explain things as you experience them. Let others know what words you prefer, and listen for the words others use and are comfortable with.
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After an Abusive Relationship | |
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Our bodies and brains react to and try to protect us from our environments and experiences. This means that our relationships can have lasting impacts on us, especially when they are abusive or harmful. (See "Long and Short term Effects of Emotional Abuse" (Link)) We might have problems forming new relationships, or other problems we don’t recognize as relating to our previous experiences.
Be patient with yourself, and with others.
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TraumaTalk is a channel talking about trauma and experienced following a sexual assault, and advice for others. She is no longer posting, and I haven't watched all the videos, but they seem pretty good! | | |
More Helpful Videos & Articles | |
Thanks for Reading!
Check in next week for a spooky spotlight on healthy and unhealthy substance use!
If you would like to chat about anything in this newsletter, you can reach out to me, Miri, at mrinehart@lclark.edu, or the Health Promotion and Wellness Office at healthed@lclark.edu, or you can utilize any of the resources throughout this email or below. You deserve to feel safe and well!
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