News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™
Joy, Love, and Peace for 2022
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Anger Begets Destructive Thoughts, Words, and Actions
Anger fuels our dark side. We give into the impulse to strike out justifying our mean words and destructive actions by unspoken thoughts such "You hurt me and so I'm going to hurt you back." We escalate, tell ourselves "they deserve it" and erroneously think, "If I yell louder, they'll get my point, wake up, and admit they were wrong, say they are sorry, and tell me that I am right."
When we don't express our anger constructively, we either strike out, going negative, or we pull away, feeling resigned, indignant, and apathetic. It feels almost impossible to get out of our chosen fall-back reaction and even harder to be positive, loving, and compassionate.
Why? Because of our pride. When angry, instead of dealing with it like a child who spontaneously throws a tantrum and then moves back to being present, we go mental, get righteous and think that others or things "should" be the way we think they should be. We become stuck in our myopic way of interpreting events and escalate our tactics.
Maybe we resort to physical intimidation, especially if that is what was modeled by our caretakers. Again, we think the world should conform to the way we believe it should be and think we can bully others so they give in to what we want.
Putting our expectations on others is a habit that keeps us feeling angry. The result is unmet expectations. Our "shoulds" fuel more anger in ourselves and the recipients. They create feelings of separation and magnify differences, thereby diminishing the amount of love we feel. Rather than continuing to stew in anger and then explode verbally, mentally, or physically, there is something simple we can do.
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Anger is an Emotion, a Physiology in the Body
Anger in itself is not a bad thing. It is the natural emotional and physical response when we perceive injustices and violations, just as it's natural to cry when we experience hurts and losses.
Symptoms include the body temperature rising, muscle tension, teeth grinding, fist clenching, flushing, prickly sensations, and sweating. Anger is energy in our bodies; just as wind is energy.
It's Time to Step Through Your Pride and Do Something Different
I know it's hard but each time you check the impulse to clam up and pull away with the silent treatment, or lash out physically, mentally, verbally, or emotionally, and make a choice to take a higher road, you will reap copious rewards.
Identify when you're feeling that energy in your body - hot and aggressive - deal with the anger constructively. Own the anger sensation as arising within you and handle it responsibility. Follow the lead of a toddler and have that temper tantrum rather than pulling away or blasting it on others or destroying things of value, such has others' tender hearts.
Here is the easy way to move the energy out of your body:
1. Find a safe place where you can release your pent up anger physically and naturally in a non-damaging way. This could be your garage, bathroom, bedroom, or car (not when you're driving, of course).
2. Express the anger energy hard, fast, and with abandon. You can punch a heavy bag, mattress, use a flexible plastic hose on some old telephone books, or grip the steering wheel and shake it. An easy way to do this is to lie on your back on a bed and flail your arms, legs, and head, while yelling and grunting.
Pound clay or bread dough. Throw rocks. Yank out weeds with abandon. Stomp around. Push against a wall or doorjamb. Shout into a pillow.
Here's a link that shows Christy constructively moving the anger energy out of her body. She felt great when she was finished!
3. Make sounds and noises because emotions are beyond the realm of words. No blaming or swearing. If you use words, yell something like, "I feel so angry. I feel so mad. I feel so pissed!" Saying negative things while expressing anger physically, just stokes the fire and reinforces thinking that the outside world is the problem.
4. Persist and move the energy out of your body. Do it hard, fast, and with abandon, until you're exhausted. Catch your breath and do it again. Repeat until you can't anymore!
You'll only feel embarrassed until the satisfaction and benefits become obvious, and you feel the shift to lightness and freedom.
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Change Your Point of View
End your healthy meltdown by reminding yourself, you must accept the reality -- what is, is. Even if you don't want to get your energy out physically, the best way to dissipate your anger is to remind yourself, over and over, that: "People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be," "This is the way it is," or "That's the way they are."
Read through the list of Truths immediately below (preferably out loud) and write down one or two Truths that feel like they would be helpful for you.
* People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be.
* My focus is myself.
* What he/she thinks of me is none of my business.
* He is doing the best he can. She did the best she could.
* I accept you no matter what.
* We are all on our own paths.
* Your viewpoints and needs are as important as mine.
* We can handle this together.
* How can I help? What can I do?
When your phrases are repeated with focus and enthusiasm, your anger turns into amused acceptance. After repeating these words for a few minutes, it becomes a fact, instead of a big conflicting deal.
Acceptance does not mean passivity. First accept, and then speak up and act from a loving, centered place. Let go of your fantasy of how it should be, and accept what is, even though in your perfect world you'd do it differently.
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Look within to Determine What is Appropriate Action and Take It
Now you can look within your heart to decide what you need to say and/or do about what’s bugging you, in order to honor yourself and all involved. Ask yourself, "What would be the highest / most loving thing to do?" "What will bring me more joy, love, and peace?" Listen from your heart to what really resonates for you.
Maybe it's to remove yourself from the situation temporarily. Maybe it's best to say nothing, take a stand, focus on the positive, or initiate a discussion. Only you know what will make you feel resolved. You've got to ask yourself what action is necessary, not rely on what others might suggest.
Make a Tangible Plan
When you are clear about what you need to say and do, focus on making a plan and getting very concrete. Then you can reach your goal and truly align with your best self. The devil is in the details (whatever that means). Like painting a house, it's all the prep that takes the time but is essential to having an outcome you are pleased with.
Speak up and Take Action
If you know you need to speak up to feel like you can let it go, be sure you talk about what's true for you. This means your communication is not laced with finger-pointing and global generalizations. Look for the positive. You need to stick with addressing one specific situation at a time, saying what you need, want, believe, etc and doing so, in a kind way.
Follow through with your strategy will bring more love and more connection. Little steps. Execute your plan, with a willingness to be flexible, depending on what unfolds.
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A Vision for the Future
Just think if we legitimized emotions and designated a safe zone in every school, prison, hospital, office, and home, where we can go when we're on emotional overload. We spare ourselves and others so much damage, hurt, and craziness. Look for the good and praise it. In these ways we radically increase the amount of love we feel and share.
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Try giving a smile or an appreciation to counter all that negativity and anger that seems to be flying around.
Sending love.
Best always,
Jude
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