The Gift of Beauty



The personal bubble we were all in during the pandemic may still be continuing, but in a different way. Now we have hungry insular bubbles bouncing around in the world in desperate pursuit for make-up experiences often quite unaware of anyone else. This grabby approach feels like a neon sign flashing, ”Get out of my way.”


Many have experienced something like this on the freeway: a person is trying to change lanes at high speed. The car behind is apparently frustrated so speeds up, bolts around the car then whips back in front of the car and slows down, apparently to ‘make a point.’ One wonders if the frustrasted driver was fully aware that people are driving cars or if he lapsed into some weird Nintendo video game featuring cars on Highway 5.


On the other hand, this frustrated driver who almost caused a four-car accident may have lost his job, had a fight with his wife, doesn’t know how he is going to pay the rent (although he could sell his BMW if need be ;-), or other difficulties that we won’t know about. What was obvious was he was insular and not aware of the humanity of others. This is the difficulty of our time, no matter where, when, or why it started.


Here's another example: a bicyclist who apparently feels that stop signs don't apply to cyclists came barreling across an intersection in front of a turning car. The driver slammed on the brakes while the cyclist whizzed by hollering "F-you" accompanied by the finger. Now this is incredibly rude, let alone dangerous. The only reframe I can think of is perhaps he saw what was going on at the last minute and felt fear or shame and turned it quickly to rage. But what about the woman in the car who had to pull over because of her fright?


Although an insular self-focus may have been adaptive during the pandemic, we need to coax each other out of these protective bubbles.


The irony of returning to connection post pandemic is that it was connection itself that was the threat during the pandemic as connection was the way the virsus was transmitted. Like Peter Levine's work with traumatic freeze or shut-down states (Levine, 1997, 2010), if the rabbit is not killed by a predator, it shakes off the freeze state and takes a victory lap fueled by elation. Perhaps we are in a strange elation state taking singularly-focused victory lapses without much awareness of each other.


My thought is we need to massively gift each other.

 

We at NCAR were recently invited to hear a talk on culture; we brought donuts. Not only was the talk wonderful and well worth the drive, our North Inland friends fed us lunch too. At a retreat we designed for another region, not only were we fed lunch, but we were given a beautiful plant to take home as a gift. And NCAR gave the gift of creating soul collage cards that participants could take with them as a reminder of the retreat.


Giving feels good and like a warm breeze, softens us.


Maria, of my staff, and her family have been visiting all the free museums on Tuesdays, a gift from the City. We can find gifts all over the county that can ease our way back into meaningful connections, even if brief. This is a more balanced way to move out of our protective bubbles back into the joy of moving around chating, sharing, laughing, discussing, admiring, or dreaming with interesting others.


Can we feed each other back into connection?


We are in a time of recovery where we are learning how to feel human connections again. This insular self-focus is usually only an outward response against some fear or feelings of not being good enough anyway, so don’t be fooled by it...just offer a gift with a genuine smile lightly peppered with words, and see what happens.


We, and all of our Children need this.



Photo is used with permission from my staffer Maria Ortega who took this photo while visiting Paris.

NCAR is delighted to bring a bit of our world to others and is sending Notes on a monthly basis. Each Note focuses on some aspect on the Neuroscience of Attachment that applies to all of us and is the specialization of NCAR. Notes build on each other and involve key concepts used in Integrative Regulation Therapy (iRT: Newton, 2009-2024), a neurobiological subcortical scaffolding for depth therapies. Feel free to forward to others.


“No one has ever become poor by giving.”


--Anne Frank


The best of living to you,


Ruth Newton

NCAR's Vision

That all children feel known, loved, valued, and guided by secure, conscious, and loving parents who strive to live an authentic life that supports a civilized world.


NCAR's Mission

To promote emotional security, growth, and happiness in children, adults, couples, and families.


Copyright © 2024 Ruth P. Newton

Newton Center for Affect Regulation (NCAR)

1545 Hotel Circle South, Suite 280

San Diego, CA 92108

619 782-9477

www.newton-center.com

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