The Pause



Sometimes I want to teleport myself to here…wherever here is. The photo is from Wordscape, a game I play every morning to try and keep the neurons sharp. I can only teleport from my heart’s eye though not having developed the ability to physically deconstruct, move, then reconstruct like Star Trek. I would be afraid that I would reconstruct into the new environment with a twig or two stuck here and there and then spend time wondering where this came from or is this really me…

                                                                                                                          Newton, 2024


Lately I have had many conversations with people concerned with the profound breakdown in etiquette or social comportment, that is, the structure of society. Our awareness of ‘everything’ due to instant media brings the reality of the world into our living rooms on a regular basis. It can be overwhelming. We seem to be either aggressively insisting that we live how we did 20 years ago, or we’re feeling helpless to ride the chaos and are fighting it with manic and/or avoidant movement.


Perhaps we are in the process of reconstructing society that better fits the human spirit.


A child recently told me she didn’t want to be human because of “what humans are doing to the world.” Many teens are finding it hard to see a future and have a ‘why bother’ attitude. But then these young teens were on shut down during the pandemic at a time when their DNA naturally pushes them towards peers to help them differentiate from their families of origin.


We seem to have emerged from the pandemic slightly crazy!


School is considered more optional now. The New York Times reported that 26% of kids are considered excessively absent and school avoidant (March 29, 2024). The teachers I know tell me that the kids are restless and somewhat ‘mouthy,' and they have to be careful about setting limits because of parental outrage. There is also the profound struggle and confusion about what can be taught in the classroom and what books can be used. Perhaps this is an attempt to impose some semblance of structure and safety during a wildly chaotic time, but the root, in my opinion, is not so much about what subjects are taught as it is about the speed of change and the role of social media for youth.


Kids have been exposed to way more than we would want because kids have phones and are on social media platforms all the time. These platforms were very comforting to kids when we were on lock down as it gave the illusion of the peer connections critically important to typical development. However, social media is continuing to provide these connections as many kids now find it difficult to make friends. Many are reporting a haunting loneliness.


Late teens and young adults were the hardest hit by the pandemic according to The Harvard Gazette (Walsh, 2021) as this is the time when this age group is moving out of the family of origin by establishing peer connections that in general lead to the establishment of their own families and careers. Johns Hopkins Children’s Center Study (Academic Pediatrics, 2024; reported by Kaitlyn Roman and Kim Polyniak, Johns Hopkins Medicine) found significant increases in anxiety and depression in all ethnicities in this age group, but particularly so for Black, Asian, and Hispanic females.


The Centers for Disease Control (CDC; accessed March 2024) reports that although 8- to 10-year-olds are on screens an average of 6 hours a day, this increased to 9 hours a day for 11 to 14 year olds. Pew Research (2018) reported that 47% of 750 kids ages 13-17 were constantly online. (I've seen these kids.)


However, social media is likely here to stay.


My experience of our time is one of a global depression peppered with manic and avoidant movements in an attempt to feel better. There is a malaise that is hard to put one’s finger on because we believe we are returning to what was...we aren’t.


I had a dream about this recently. There was an enormous tsunami building on the horizon. There was a boat that I scrambled to get into with my family. I said, ‘Don’t take anything but your purse.’ One member of my family said, “I have enough time to get this document certified” and left the boat. He didn’t make it back because the tsunami hit, and we were blown off course. We were violently tossed around, and I had no idea where we were but was pretty sure we were not going to make it. However it passed, and I saw that we had washed up on a new shore. It was calm and the water was lapping over rocks, but the territory was completely new and unfamiliar. The dream ended there.


Even grief was postponed.


From my point of view, we need a new game plan. We need to bring back connections with our family and friends along with our rituals. Instead of trying to stay in manic or avoidant movement, maybe we need the rituals of our holidays where we clean the house, cook, decorate, and talk with each other? We need to slow down, way down. Can we put phones down at sunset? Can we eat together? Can we talk about this transition in a deeper way?


Can we lay down our defenses and see that what is built depends on us?


We are in a new land; some of us didn’t make it. But for those of us who did, we have the responsibility to rebuild a society based on the beauty and needs of all of us.




We, and all of our Children need this.




NCAR is delighted to bring a bit of our world to others and is sending Notes on a monthly basis. Each Note focuses on some aspect on the Neuroscience of Attachment that applies to all of us and is the specialization of NCAR. Notes build on each other and involve key concepts used in Integrative Regulation Therapy (iRT: Newton, 2009-2024), a neurobiological subcortical scaffolding for depth therapies. Feel free to forward to others.


“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”


— Herman Hesse


The best of living to you,


Ruth Newton

NCAR's Vision

That all children feel known, loved, valued, and guided by secure, conscious, and loving parents who strive to live an authentic life that supports a civilized world.


NCAR's Mission

To promote emotional security, growth, and happiness in children, adults, couples, and families.


Copyright © 2024 Ruth P. Newton

Newton Center for Affect Regulation (NCAR)

1545 Hotel Circle South, Suite 280

San Diego, CA 92108

619 782-9477

www.newton-center.com

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