I entered a new age group last month by turning 40 years old on October 20th. I had a wonderful birthday celebration with Emily. We flew to Vegas and I enjoyed dinner and two shows. As we sat across from each other in a restaurant I long dreamed about dining in, Emily shot off some tough questions. What am I most proud of, what do I most regret, what would I do over if I could, etc.
Something that really struck me, in a weird unsettled way, in the weeks and months leading up to my birthday is the thought of just how long I've been involved in ultramarathon running, and how I never expected in a million years that it would some day be my career. I was 23 years old when I ran my first ultra in 2005; during a time in our sport where the average age of the field was a bit older. I was one of the very few "young people" in our sport at the time, and was generally discouraged by the veterans since I "didn't belong here."
I was too young. I didn't understand the meaning of patience. I didn't possess enough patience at my young age to be able to finish an ultra. I was just here to run as fat as I could and steal everyone's course records, then disappear. I was a flash in the pan. These are just a sampling of the myriad of things that was said to me and about me when I first jumped in. It never deterred me...
Yet, I found a different ultrarunning over time. I found a sport focused on community and the ideals around the collective being more important than the self. I learned about a sport where your size, shape, gender, age, occupation, religion, political beliefs... none of it mattered. You were welcome here so long as you were willing... willing to be a part of the collective, and willing to push yourself to "limits" that aren't even there.
Almost 20 years later and this "flash in the pan" is still an ultrarunner, and I'm still a race director. I have now directed more official ultras (62) than I have ever finished (60). Now, as a race director... History repeats itself. I'm a douche bag, a queer, a shit head, an asshole, a fraud, a Nazi, "too woke", and on and on and on...
In my lifetime I have been the person who refereed your soccer game, or served you a post game snack through the snack shack window. I have stocked the shelves, refolded the clothing you just let in a heap on the shelf, and let you in to the dressing room. I have served you food at the drive thru. I've swept and mopped the floors, emptied the trash and scrubbed the toilets. I have mowed your lawn countless times, removed the leaves from your property, and mulched the flower beds. I have assisted you in trying on snowshoes or that new pair of hiking boots, and helped you pick out the best rain gear. I have operated the camera for Daybreak news, and made sure the anchor had that teleprompter rolling. I have entertained you with documentary films and youtube videos. I have personally raised tens of thousands of dollars for non-profits that help those with diabetes, learn science, or to make a wish. I've dug countless miles of trail by hand, and built dozens of cairns to help lead the way. I have taken you rafting, rock climbing, sightseeing, and backpacking. I've helped you find a new pair of shoes at the running store, provided you a gait analysis and even endured your rotten socks.
For the last 8 years of my life, I have created an opportunity for you to enjoy the sport that has given so much to me. I have provided you with a place for personal growth, a place to explore, a place for you to express yourself. I have cut up fruit, cooked quesadilla's, slung burgers and dogs on a grill. I have hung ribbons and put out signs to lead the way. I have stood at the finish line, in the cold, in the dark, in the rain and in the snow.. just to give you a high five and/or a hug when you completed your task. I have rolled a vehicle, and an ATV, during the action of performing my duties. I have worked long into the night to ensure those results are posted in a timely manner. Everything you see online at HPRS comes from this brain, through these fingers, and onto your screen. I have popped your blisters, I have cleaned your bloody wounds, I have had your vomit on me and in me, I have wiped your ass and applied vaseline for you because you couldn't reach let alone barely stand. I have washed your feet. I have held your loved ones and heard their stories, as well as holding you and hearing yours.
Fourty years on this planet... and I've learned a few things along the way:
There is no manual. Not for race direction. Not for owning a small business. Not for life. We're all just trying to figure it out as we go. None of us are perfect, not event you, and we all deserve a considerable amount of grace along the way while we try and figure it out. I cannot please everyone, and I gave up trying. I have my own personal beliefs, values, and ideals.. some of which are incorporated into HPRS, some that I keep very much away from HPRS. People often ask me about the tremendous amount of change I've seen in the sport of ultra over the last 20 years... yet, it seems we try and forget about the tremendous amount of change we've experienced in LIFE over the last 5.
I'm not the same person I was at the beginning of this year, or any time last year. Not the same person I was pre-covid. Not the same person I was in 2017, or 2016, or even who I was when I started HPRS in March 2014 at age 32. ....AND NEITHER ARE YOU.
WHY?
Because we're human. We're all human and deserve the opportunity to grow, and learn, and to change. We all deserve the grace being human requires. We all deserve mulligans and do overs, a chance to grow, a chance to learn, a chance to change, and a chance.. to prove ourselves. For everything that is said about me in the broader community, and to me within ours, I often wonder the same things: What happened to this person that they feel the need to be so negative? To tear us all down? To expect us to be exactly who they want us to be? To think nothing of hurling insults and call each others names simply because we don't agree? What would their mom think... ?
It doesn't deter me.. it makes me work harder. Doesn't matter if I'm 32, 42, or 52.. I'm human, a work in progress, and here. For you..
