Mediation Musings: Optimism

Sara Barnes 

It’s rough out there. Wars, atrocities, mass shootings, global warming, toxic polarization, free-floating anger and anxiety. We are often asked at MV Mediation about what we can do about world problems. Global conflicts and intractable societal problems weigh heavily on conflict resolvers’ minds just as they do for everyone. I thought that I’d offer approaches that have helped me, thinking they might help others during difficult times.



Look for the Helpers

Mister Rogers suggested for parents how to talk about tragedies and disheartening events with young children. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping . . . That will give you hope.’” It’s an appropriate reminder for adults, too. With some conscious effort, you can create a lens to look for those helpers, while not ignoring or trivializing the difficult reality.

Do Something

I’m not an international diplomat, environmental negotiator, or war zone mediator, so my hope is that my work closer to home can be useful for those I can help. Using the concept of circle of human concern from john a. powell I try to keep my focus on where I can make the most difference while not ignoring the larger planetary conflict. I remind myself that doing something is much better than the alternative, which is doing nothing.

Think Historically

The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. popularized this notion: “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” The arc-of-history concept is a reminder that there’s so much more to come and that what we do today has an effect on the future. Young people are mobilized to make a difference. The Iroquois/Haudenosaunee Confederacy, along with other Indigenous groups, adhere to the Seventh Generation Principle—keeping in mind that our actions today have an effect all the way into the seventh generation of the future.

Face Your Fears

When fear rises up, I turn to the work of Audre Lorde. Her poetry, activism, and vision had huge ripple effects that still resonate today. She said this about fear: “When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” The idea is to look outside yourself and see if you can find ideas that tap into your power instead of your fearful self.



Learn Something

I find that learning something helps me to handle demoralization and sadness. The mantra says, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.’ I have always found that to be true for me. Look beyond the immediate moment to find something to learn and someone who can teach. Throughout my life I have returned to T. H. White’s quote from Merlyn: The Once and Future King: “The best thing for being sad . . . is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails . . . That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust . . . [l]earning is the thing for you.”

Serve Others

We try to support each other as we provide services to our clients, and it is great that many people want to become the helpers that Mister Rogers mentioned earlier. I don’t think is it solely magnanimity that drives people to serve others. We rise by lifting others. One of my friends has had a rough year, with illness, family loss, and various challenges. Yet on Thanksgiving she will be preparing dinners for those in need through a local restaurant. Being of service to another human can help to focus the gaze beyond an individual viewfinder and expand one’s vision. In the process, reframed within a wider context, concerns may seem to be a bit smaller, a bit more handleable. A smidge of optimism peeks through the gloomy skies with a bit of needed light.

Here is a longer version with more complete references. Read Musings here.

LEARN ABOUT ALL THE SERVICES WE PROVIDE

• Youth Mediation
• Family and Divorce Mediation Program––PMP
• Housing Mediation
• Civil Court / Small Claims
• Re-Entry Program
• Workplace Conflict Mediation and Management
• Facilitation Services
• Local Consumer Advocacy
• Agricultural Mediation
• Conflict Coaching
• Financial Conflict Coaching
• Elderly and Aging Mediation
• Classes, Workshops, Seminars, and Training Programs

Check out our WEBSITE for details.

Community Programs [email protected] or call 508-693-2999

Housing Program [email protected] or call 508-693-2199

FEATURED ARTICLE

(excerpted from recent MV Times article)

Problems Solved: Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program

Helps the Community Resolve Conflicts of Nearly Every Variety

excerpted from an article by Abby Remer



October 25, 2023––In a world filled with turmoil in so many arenas, it was a true breath of hope to speak with communication and outreach coordinator Kiki Homer and board president Rachel BenDavid of the Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program (MVMP). This impressive Island organization provides community education, outreach, mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation, and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts. BenDavid joined the board in 2018, and just took the reins as the president this fiscal year. Coming up on its 40th anniversary, the program is “really wonderful,” she says. . . . BenDavid [reports] that during the pandemic, housing conflicts became an enormously pressing issue. “Things were really terrible for a lot of people. The state was enacting plans for keeping people in their homes and providing some security. But there were still conversations that needed to happen between the parties. M.V. Mediation Program not only embraced that, but jumped on it,” she explains.

“There has just been a consistent evolution of addressing needs,” BenDavid added. Among the many other situations in which they help facilitate conversations are with family conflicts and businesses when there is a transition, for example, to new ownership or from one generation to the next. Other services are local consumer advocacy, financial conflict coaching, agricultural mediation, and elderly and aging mediation. And they never turn anyone away for financial reasons, charging on a sliding fee scale. MVMP also serves the Brazilian community. Portuguese speakers who attend their courses need to have a working knowledge of English, but can use the help of co-learners as interpreters, transcription services, and translated texts, among other methods of assistance. MVMP does offer all its services in Portuguese through the use of a Portuguese-speaking staff member and translators.

Circling back to the pandemic, Homer and BenDavid tell me that MVMP never shut down, immediately pivoting to Zoom for their services as well as their courses, which continues to be the case today, as they realized how many more people they could reach through technology.

In terms of courses, Homer is actually a case in point. “I took Conflict Resolution Essentials online. I was dealing with some of the issues related to the pandemic at home and thought it would be wise to get some tools to resolve conflicts in my life. From there, I took Introduction to Mediation Basics, and went on to Introduction to Mediation Advanced MA Qualification.” She became a mediator and joined the staff in her present position in 2022.

Notable among their classes, workshops, seminars, and training programs is a course that provides a safe place for managers and supervisors in a weekly confidential cohort to learn how to best manage conflict in the workplace, address issues, and enhance communication. Participants receive support and insight into their specific dilemmas and utilize the case study model in an interactive and participatory process.

“One initiative that’s grown since I joined the organization,” says Homer, “is providing the Peace Curriculum, which is conflict resolution training in the schools. We’re working with third, fourth, and fifth graders and older children in Edgartown, Oak Bluffs, Vineyard Haven, and the Charter School, providing up to a 10-week course that’s adjusted for each grade level. We’re communicating the critical principles of conflict resolution—to be able to listen, put yourself in another person’s shoes, and show empathy, as well as looking at ways conflicts can escalate and be de-escalated.”

Clearly, learning the basics would benefit everyone, not just young people. BenDavid explains, “So much of understanding mediation and conflict resolution is asking questions and understanding what people’s values are. Every person is different, and what drives their motivations, their fears, and what is important to them. It’s all inherently based on who they are and how they were raised. All those things that are unique to every individual.

“How many of us were brought up to think of conflict as a zero-sum game—there is a winner, and there is a loser. That’s why so many of us think that conflict is bad, and you have to stay away from it. Our programs help people understand that that’s not what has to happen. Not everyone takes our courses and becomes a mediator. Many people take them to help themselves personally. It’s a great way to add to that toolbox of lifelong learning.”

Homer agrees, “Absolutely; our vision is to create an Island of competent, capable, and effective conflict resolvers.”

UPCOMING COURSES

People who take our courses say that their professional and personal lives improve. We offer a variety of themes designed to help you manage conflict better. Our Spring lineup of courses is coming soon. Workplace Conflict Management Cohort and Conflict Essentials begin in February. Intro to Mediation begins in April and Conflict Coaching will be next September. Click here for a complete Schedule at a Glance.

“MV Mediation has great courses! You should learn with them. Great people, and I had fun.”   ––One of our participants, after taking two courses

MV MEDIATION BOARD CORNER

Our new President of the Board of Directors, Rachel BenDavid, is spearheading the 2023 Donor Appeal campaign. The focus is on Giving Tuesday, November 28, and the committee is looking for new supporters who might share a small token of their financial successes with our mediation center. Would you like to help? Tell us who to add to our Donor Appeal list and we will send them a newly created piece of artwork (a card) and our sincere thanks. Maybe you?

The nominating committee is looking for new Board members for our next Board cycle in the spring. Would you like to help guide our organization? Just send us an email and we will forward it to Ken Andrichik, who is heading up the nominating and governance committee for fiscal year 2024.



Roland Miller, longtime Board member and former MVMP President, was missing in action recently. This picture makes the situation clear––no conflicts reported between the humans. Roland let us know that its it’s a catch-and-release arrangement––so a win-win all around.

Upcoming Events

• November 20, 12–1pm: Seminar on International Conflict Analysis and Resolution: “Where Do We Fit In? Rethinking the Role of EU Peacebuilding Missions”
• November 28: Giving Tuesday––Please help MV Mediation with a donation.
• November 30/December 1: Massachusetts Council for Family Mediation (see info below)
• December 7, 8:30–10am: Roundtable Breakfast: Using mediation to resolve conflicts over animals, register here. roundtable on Zoom.

This month’s links for your reading, listening, and viewing pleasure:

In recognition of Veteran’s Day:

5 veterans’ skills to apply to conflict resolution

In recognition of National Kindness Day:

• How to show kindness in professional settings
• Making tough decisions with compassion
• Here are some reflective questions that might facilitate kindness when in conflict
• Kind conflict resolution in the classroom

Preparing for family and holiday conflicts:

• Dealing with difficult relationships
• Conflict-free visits: Is this realistic?
• Managing unresolved conflict

Other:

• Don’t take it personally
• Learning mutuality
• Using a neutral to talk to your team about difficult news and current events
• Conflict narratives and emotions
• Here’s a link to one of our favorite websites on peace and conflict; lots of resources here
• Four ways to create quality connections at work
• The impact of pressure to accommodate others on conflict resolution
• How curiosity can transform your relationships
• Where one sits is important

MEDIATORS’ CHECK-IN

Wednesdays at 4pm––all are welcome to join.

Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86378014243

*No Mediators’ Check-In November 22nd

Role Play––November 29: Addressing non-cordial behavior

Tips––December 6: Handling your email. Are you overwhelmed, missing things?

Meet––December 13: Meet our new Office Manager, Andrea Wong Monteiro

Role Play––December 20: Managing a conflict of interest

*No Mediators’ Check-In December 27, January 3, 10, or 17. We are back on January 24.

Family and Divorce Mediators

• Would you like to register for the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation conference Thursday November 30 to Friday Dec. 1? There are a number of great workshops. See the MCFM 2023 Institute brochure.
• We are offering a course on family, divorce, and juvenile mediation on Mondays 4–6pm from March 11 to April 15, 2024. See website.

Why I Mediate

We love to hear feedback from our community.

“The presence of a neutral party helped frame the conversation for a better outcome.”

––Recent Productive Conversation Client

DEIJ+B: DIVERSITY, EQUITY, INCLUSION, JUSTICE + BELONGING

AGRICULTURAL MEDIATION

Martha’s Vineyard Mediation is part of a national network of USDA-supported farm, agriculture, and aquaculture mediation programs. If you know of any farms, farm stands, CSAs, or agricultural/aquacultural businesses, MV Mediation can help. Most services are free or low cost through USDA funding. We work with farms in Dukes, Barnstable, Bristol, and Plymouth Counties. Our brochure is here; please pass it on to those who may need these services.

FAMILY MEDIATION PROGRAM

Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution

We offer help talking with your spouse or partner about divorce, parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions, and communication itself, and can help you to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE FAMÍLIA E DIVÓRCIO

Divórcio, Disputas em Familia e Resolução de Conflitos

Conflitos entre marido e mulher, pais e filhos, problemas conjugais, com parceiros ou entre familiares, divórcio, custódia física e legal, planejamento para os cuidados do menor, visitação de menores, revisão do suporte financeiro e plano de visitação, divisão de bens e possível reconciliação.

[email protected] or call 508-693-2999

HOUSING MEDIATION PROGRAM

Conflict with a Tenant or Landlord?

We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes and Bristol Counties and information about RAFT––rental financial assistance for back rent or moving out. Take a look at this article from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reporting about erroneous information about tenants being used and affecting homelessness and evictions.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE MORADIA

Conflitos entre o proprietário e inquilinos?

Mediação GRÁTIS para qualquer tipo de conflito relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes e Bristol, e informações sobre o RAFT- programa de assistência financeira.

[email protected] or call 508-693-2199

RE-ENTRY PROGRAM

Easier Transition from Incarceration to Community

Re-entry Mediation is FREE to incarcerated individuals (pre-release) and recently released individuals (post-release). For more information, check out our flyers for pre-released and post-released individuals.

IN-COURT AND COURT-REFERRED MEDIATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides free mediation services for eviction cases in Bristol and Dukes Counties. We are present at District Courts in Attleboro, Fall River, Taunton, and Edgartown for summary process cases. MVMP offers free services for civil cases and small claims in advance of the court date. We are also qualified to provide in-court and court-referred services for Dukes County District, Superior, Probate, and Family Courts. We provide mediation for pre-criminal and 286 E harassment cases. Our Juvenile court mediators help with cases referred from the Juvenile Court. MV Mediation waives fees for cases referred by court or with an active docket number. 

WORKPLACE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

MV Mediation provides support to resolve conflicts in the workplace. We provide workshops and develop conflict resolution projects with workplaces, nonprofit organizations, and municipal and trades workplaces. Our confidential Workplace Management Cohort for supervisors and managers is a popular offering.

FACILITATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies, and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs. Read this article that describes how a facilitator can help you or your organization.

“We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help.”

 ––A recent facilitation client

CONFLICT COACHING SERVICES

It can help you. Not therapy. Not advice. 

So, what is Conflict Coaching?

Conflict Coaching is a one-on-one process, with the client and a coach working collaboratively to develop a new approach to conflict. It usually takes place over two one-hour sessions. Make your appointment today!

SOCIAL MEDIA

Following us on social media is a great way to support MV Mediation! Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. This month we focus on stress awareness and its connection to unresolved conflicts. As always, don’t miss out on helpful tips about managing conflicts in our daily lives. You will also get the latest information about community events, workshops, and courses.

Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

THANK YOU, DONORS!

Thanks to all our donors who participated in MV Mediation’s Annual Appeal. We will make use of your contributions wisely. We really appreciate your generosity.



It’s never too late to donate!

DONATE HERE

Our Mission

To serve our community by providing education, outreach,

mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation,

and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.

Our Vision

To create an island of competent, capable, and

effective conflict resolvers.

Thank you for our donors and sponsors for your continued support!

At MVMP our slogan is We Can Work It Out. Would you like to borrow this slogan?

Feel free. You Can Work It Out! We are here if you need our help.

MV Mediation Program mvmediation.org

508 693-2999 Community & Court

508 693-2199 Housing