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In some ways, our family has been lucky. Geographical distance from our extended families has meant we are not expected to travel for holidays. We've been to enough other family gatherings, however, to understand the challenges involved. If opting out of Thanksgiving with the extended family is not an option, here are a few tips to ease the experience.
Bring preferred foods with you. If all your child will eat is strawberry Gogurt and chicken nuggets, they will be thankful to eat that at the Thanksgiving table. And gratitude is what Thanksgiving is about – not trying “just a bite” or adults being offended that a child doesn't wish to eat what they cooked.
This may require repeated conversations in advance with the other guests, but it is okay to explain that it is actually cruel to insist that someone eat something they find aversive. Liken it to someone with severe food allergies – a hostess should not want to cause illness or gastric distress to a guest. I happen to hate pumpkin in any form. As an adult, I am allowed to say, “No, thank you, I do not care for pumpkin pie.” Teach your child to say “no, thank you,” to any suggestions about food. If they are non-verbal, give them a “no, thank you” card to hold up. A crowded dinner table is not the place (and Thanksgiving is not the time) to try to stretch anyone's palate!
If at all possible, create a social story that prepares your loved one for what to expect. Include where you are going, who will be there, and what behavior is expected. Also include (and practice) what self-advocacy skills may be needed. Things like, “I don't want a hug, but we can fist bump,” or “I need to take a break,” are appropriate.
It is also important to educate the other guests to listen and honor those statements without being offended. And, yes, I DO have relatives who don't believe children have the right to say those things, but that doesn't stop me from repeating myself. At the very least, Kieran knows I'm on his side, even if the relatives can't respect his boundaries.
Offer rewards: “If you can sit with the family for 15 minutes, you can have 15 extra minutes of screen time.” “If you don't yell at your cousins, we will watch your favorite movie tomorrow.” It never hurts to stash a preferred activity (a new puzzle or Lego set) in your bag for an immediate distraction or reward.
Ask your host to designate a quiet break area for your child. If this isn't possible, you might propose taking a walk or a drive to allow time to decompress. Let them know that they may not be able to tolerate a long time at the table (or that they will have to eat in a private space). Plan an exit strategy if the situation appears to escalate.
The goal is not to control Thanksgiving for everyone else, but to teach them to accommodate your and your child's needs, and for your child to learn coping and advocacy strategies for the future. It isn't an easy or painless process for anyone, but, inch by inch, we all can learn the necessary coping strategies.
Enjoy your November!
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