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Ask the Expert
Q. Is it Teasing or Bullying? What is the Difference?
By: Andrew M.I. Lee, J.D.
There’s a lot of information available today about bullying — and more awareness than ever of the problem. We know bullying often happens online. We also know that bullying can be verbal as well as physical. But where does teasing fit into the picture? Is it bullying?
The short answer: It’s complicated. Sometimes teasing is harmless and playful. Other times it can be used to hurt others. And, even playful teasing can hit raw nerves or be misinterpreted, especially when kids struggle with social skills. Here is what you need to know about the difference between teasing and bullying and how to help kids navigate these tricky social waters. Teasing is a type of communication
Good-natured teasing is a way for people to communicate with each other. It’s a social exchange.
Many kids tease each other to bond or form relationships. When the best kid on a basketball team misses a dunk, and a teammate says, “Hey, Magic, nice shot,” they can both laugh it off. The teasing shows each other they can joke around and still be friends. Done in the right spirit, this banter can be positive. When kids tease each other about clothes, musical tastes, or behavior, it helps them learn to deal with constructive criticism. It’s part of how they relate.
But teasing can also be used to communicate the negative. It’s often used to establish “top dog” among kids. For example, a group of girls might tease one in the group about her weight. Or kids might tease to encourage bad behavior: “What a little wimp, Sam, you won’t even try the cigarette.” Also, what’s playful to one child may not feel playful to another. In those cases, teasing can lead to hurt feelings.
Bullying is meant to hurt
Verbal bullying is different from teasing. It’s not done to make friends, or to relate to someone. Just the opposite: The goal is to embarrass the victim and make the bully look better and stronger.
The tricky thing is that bullying may start out as teasing. But when it’s done over and over and is meant to be hurtful or threatening, it becomes bullying. Verbal bullying includes calling a victim names, taunting, and sexual harassment. It can happen in person, through texting, and online through social media and email. Bullying also involves an imbalance of power. Bullying victims usually don’t provoke it.
Questions to ask kids about teasing
Maybe you’ve heard that kids are teasing your child or your student at school. You can ask a few questions to see whether it’s good-natured or harmful:
- Are the kids who tease you your friends?
- Do you like it when they tease you?
- Do you tease them back?
- If you told them to stop teasing, would they?
- If you told them that they hurt your feelings, would they say they were sorry?
If the answer to any of these questions is “no” or “I don’t know,” then it may be a case of negative teasing or even bullying. It’s important to find out more information.
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