Mediation Musings:

  Clarity, Consistency, and Dog Negotiation

Sara Barnes 

A number of years ago a friend was having difficulties with her son. I thought that watching the kind and firm dog trainer on TV might help her to learn how to stay more consistent and clear with her son. A few weeks later she had recorded a number of episodes, and her son asked her, “Are we getting a dog?” 

You might be surprised how often the subject of dogs comes up in the field of conflict resolution. How to handle and train Fido in the home, who gets custody of Muffy after a divorce, a difference of opinion about vet care for BooBoo, Tucker's damage to the neighbor’s deck, Honey being left behind with Mom and Dad by the college student, the Animal Control officer’s charge of neglectful care of Rex––all are dog conflicts our center has recently handled.

Bob Bordone, one of my favorite mediation thinkers, suggests learning from dogs as negotiators and learning how to negotiate with dogs. Here are some of his dog-related conflict resolution suggestions:

• Consider interests - Dogs have some basic interests: food, exercise, being part of a team, knowing the rules. Cue into the other’s interests to build bridges.
• Reward promptly, correct immediately - If Henry the dog does something positive, tell him immediately. Don’t punish him many hours later when he did something wrong, address it right away.
• Be consistent and reliable - Trust with dogs is built when you can be counted on. Be the person who can be trusted, and show consistency.
• Use emotional intuition - Dogs are amazing, they key into other’s energy and emotions. Follow the dog approach and you’ll create better connections with others.
• Use a positive frame - People and dogs both prefer to be treated positively; cue the high-pitched happy voice you use with Fido or a similarly positive approach that works with humans.

Owen the mediation office dog

Owen comes to work a few times a week. He has an uncanny way of standing next to the person who, during the in-person mediation, would benefit from having a dog to pet. At other times Owen barks and whines inconsolably until I take him out for a little nature walk. When this happens, I appreciate his expert ability to negotiate. He connects his needs to mine by reminding me that I need a break. 

Here is a much longer version of this column, with pictures of many cute dogs, including Owen in his sunglasses, and links to some articles and videos.

LEARN ABOUT ALL THE SERVICES WE PROVIDE

• Youth Mediation
• Family and Divorce Mediation Program––PMP
• Housing Mediation
• Civil Court / Small Claims
• Re-Entry Program
• Workplace Conflict Mediation and Management
• Facilitation Services
• Local Consumer Advocacy
• Agricultural Mediation
• Conflict Coaching
• Financial Conflict Coaching
• Elderly and Aging Mediation
• Classes, Workshops, Seminars, and Training Programs

Check out our WEBSITE for details.

Community Programs info@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2999

Housing Program admin@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2199

FEATURED SERVICE:

Group Facilitation

by Debbie Lynangale and Sara Barnes

MV Mediation and other community mediation centers offer the service of facilitating meetings for various organizations and groups. As neutral facilitators, our service providers can take charge, make sure there is balanced participation, and help the group to be clear about agenda items, decisions and future action items.

Do you manage group meetings? Staff, Board of Directors, Committee, Condo Organization, Workshop, etc.,meetings? Some of the best experiences in our lives have come out of gatherings of people, working together to achieve shared goals. Some of our notable worsts as well.



Managing a meeting is not simple. The various participants each have their own interests, bandwidths, and personalities. “It was like herding cats” and “The bomb throwers came to play!” and “OMG––just, people--that’s my summary of the meeting,” have all been answers Sara received recently when asking others, “How did the meeting go?”

Running groups is a skill that can be learned––often with trial and error. Those of us who are experienced meeting facilitators have learned from our mistakes. The authors Debbie and Sara, along with our compadre David Ross, have decided to pool our facilitation experiences and create a new ten-session course. Participants will develop skills in methods to build community, ways to balance that all voices are heard, strategies to stay on track with agendas, ways to deal with challenging group behaviors, and ideas about getting work done collaboratively.

Any and all interested in becoming a better meeting facilitator are welcomed to come to the course. It will be interactive––we will base our teaching on dilemmas that the participants bring––and we will ask all involved to keep information private so everyone feels comfortable to share their difficulties with the group.

Join us beginning October 16 from 4 to 6 pm on Mondays on Zoom, and become part of the course Facilitation for All. Register here or send an email to info@mvmediation.org.

IT’S CONFLICT RESOLUTION MONTH!

Take the MV Mediation Peace Pledge

Many children and families on the Vineyard have taken the pledge. Will you?

I agree to the following PEACE PLEDGE:

• I will try to express my feelings calmly, in a way that others can understand.
• I will try to understand other people’s feelings, even if they are different from mine.
• I will try to take time to put myself in the other person’s shoes.
• I will try to do everything I can do to help create a community of belonging for everyone.
• I will try to model respect and courtesy in my communications.
• I will try to listen to others with an eye towards understanding.
• I will try to calm things down and reduce conflicts whenever possible.
• I will try to find ways for everyone to get what they want when there is a conflict.
• I will try to promote peace in all aspects of my life.

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE PEACE PLEDGE

In celebration of Conflict Resolution Month and Conflict Resolution Week:

Barriers to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion in Dispute Resolution

October 16, 2023 1 pm - 2 pm, Via Zoom

Join the Massachusetts Bar Association’s Dispute Resolution discussion highlighting the recent report by the Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration (MOPC) on “Addressing Barriers to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion in Massachusetts Community Mediation.” Open to all. REGISTER: WWW.MASSBAR.ORG/CRWEEK

Featured Community Partnership––

CAP Communication Ambassador Partnership

Do you know about the CAP organization? Communication Ambassador Partnership of Martha’s Vineyard is a local nonprofit organization whose vision is language access for all on Martha’s Vineyard and beyond. CAP provides interpreting and translation services along with other services that promote and support the assets of multilingualism and multiculturalism. CAP’s mission is to provide language access to all on Martha’s Vineyard, break down the barriers of inaccessibility to resources, information, and opportunities, and build communication bridges between English-speaking and multilingual community members. Contact CAP at capmvy@gmail.com or (508) 524-5797 https://www.capmvy.com/

Language understanding is a crucial and foundational aspect of conflict resolution. CAP plays a vital role in MV Mediation’s mission to provide services to help and prevent conflict. Help to build a bridge with the Brazilian Community on Martha’s Vineyard by translating your organization’s work into Portuguese.

In honor of Indigenous Peoples Day, October 9, we are

republishing our land acknowledgement.

We acknowledge that we are standing on the land of the Wôpanâak (Wampanoag) people and nation, who settled this land at least 12,000 years ago and still celebrate it as home today. Although commonly referred to as Martha’s Vineyard, this island has a much older name, a Wôpanâak name: Noëpe. Through this acknowledgement, we wish to celebrate Wôpanâak culture, creativity, and perspective. We hope to honor Wôpanâak perseverance in the face of colonialism, invisibility, and cultural genocide. And we commit to restorative relationships and practices with the Wôpanâak people of Noëpe. After all, it is important to remember that no matter where you go in what is now the United States, you are always on indigenous land. 

MV MEDIATION BOARD CORNER

The September’s Board meeting focused on our succession plans and identified ways to move forward with our leadership transition. A number of new grants and contracts were celebrated, and the Board considered possible 40th Anniversary plans. The Board’s creative approach is exemplified by the picture below of our Board treasurer publicizing our logo at the recent Big Brothers Big Sisters golf outing.

UPCOMING COURSES

People who take our courses say that their professional and personal lives improve. We offer a variety of themes designed to help you understand how conflict can be better managed in your personal life, workplace, and community. Registration is open for our Fall lineup of courses. Click here for a complete at-a-glance schedule.

Introduction to Mediation––Basics and Advanced MA Qualification

40 hours, 12 sessions (total for both segments), October to December 2023, Tuesdays 10am–12:30pm

The first segment is a six-session interactive course where participants learn the principles,

process, and theory of facilitative mediation in a hands-on process. In the second segment, participants who wish to continue toward MA qualification will review mediation complexity and dilemmas, diversity, impasses, and ethical topics. For more information, click here.

Workplace Cohort Conflict Management

15 hours, 10 sessions, mid-October through December 2023, Wednesdays 9–10:30am

Improve approaches to workplace conflict with a confidential cohort of managers and supervisors. Using text, discussion, and case studies, this course is interactive. For more information, click here.

Facilitating Meetings and Groups

20 hours, 10 sessions, mid-October through December 2023, Mondays 4–6pm

Taught by experienced facilitators and teachers, this course is for those who manage groups, meetings, and multi-party mediation cases. Tips, strategies, planning, and communication approaches to managing groups of people. For more information, click here.

“MV Mediation has great courses! You should learn with them. Great people, and I had fun.”   – ––One of our participants, after taking two courses

EVENTS

• October 2nd–3rd: 2023 NAFCM National Assembly
• October 3rd: Pathways to Restorative Communities presents Advanced Circles Training: Circles of Conflict and Harm
• October 4th–6th: 2023 Association for Conflict Resolution Conference: “Collaboration, the New Normal?”
• October 5th––8:00am ACRG-NY October Roundtable Breakfast Discussion, “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” Changes in ADR since its founding and what it means for us now. 
• October 19th––noon: Conflict Dispute Settlement Center Roundtable: Vanessa Linsey will present on Mediation and Mindfulness. Contact CDSC to be added to their Roundtable List.
• October 25th–27th: Academy of Professional Family Mediators Conference––“Mediating in an Increasingly Diverse World” (100% online)
• October 25th––5:30–6:30pm: (Save the Date!) Community Dispute Settlement Center BASH!

This month’s links for your reading, listening, and viewing pleasure:

• Teens talking it out
• When conflict is real but not true
• Is the distancing spiral damaging relationships?
• Dancing with disagreement
• Miscommunication at work
• Building trust at the negotiation table
• Nonverbal communication can speak louder than words
• Appreciative inquiry in parent–teen mediation
• Increasing housing stability through community mediation
• Addressing barriers to DEI in community mediation centers
• How to avoid polarizing speech in communication
• How to open your mind

MEDIATORS’ CHECK-IN

Wednesdays at 4pm––all are welcome to join.

Below is our schedule for upcoming Mediator Check-ins. Thanks for all the suggestions. We are going to to continue to have a monthly rotation as follows:

• First Wednesday––Tips for mediators and coaches
• Second Wednesday––Diversity Topics
• Third Wednesday––Meet our mediator
• Fourth Wednesday––Role play and/or case study

Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86378014243

Tips––October 4: Summarizing––When you get it right it’s a game changer

DEI––October 11: Concepts of “Bridging” and “Breaking” from Othering & Belonging Institute

Meet––October 18: Meet your Mediator (TBD)

Role Play––October 25: Extra people attending the mediation––how to handle the crowd

Why I Mediate

“It’s very satisfying for me to be able to work with people to try and help them navigate situations they are having difficulty with. Offering clients ways to look at their conflict from a different perspective often opens the door to productive conversation.”

––Louis Pashman, Mediator and Board Member

DEIJ+B: DIVERSITY, EQUITY, INCLUSION, JUSTICE + BELONGING

AGRICULTURAL MEDIATION

Martha’s Vineyard Mediation is part of a national network of USDA-supported farm, agriculture, and aquaculture mediation programs. If you know of any farms, farm stands, CSAs, or agricultural/aquacultural businesses, MV Mediation can help. Most services are free or low cost through USDA funding. We work with farms in Dukes, Barnstable, Bristol, and Plymouth Counties. Our brochure is here; please pass it on to those who may need these services.

FAMILY MEDIATION PROGRAM

Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution

We offer help talking with your spouse or partner about divorce, parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions, and communication itself, and can help you to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE FAMÍLIA E DIVÓRCIO

Divórcio, Disputas em Familia e Resolução de Conflitos

Conflitos entre marido e mulher, pais e filhos, problemas conjugais, com parceiros ou entre familiares, divórcio, custódia física e legal, planejamento para os cuidados do menor, visitação de menores, revisão do suporte financeiro e plano de visitação, divisão de bens e possível reconciliação.

info@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2999

HOUSING MEDIATION PROGRAM

Conflict with a Tenant or Landlord?

We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes and Bristol Counties and information about RAFT––rental financial assistance for back rent or moving out. Take a look at this article from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reporting about erroneous information about tenants being used and affecting homelessness and evictions.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE MORADIA

Conflitos entre o proprietário e inquilinos?

Mediação GRÁTIS para qualquer tipo de conflito relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes e Bristol, e informações sobre o RAFT- programa de assistência financeira.

admin@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2199

RE-ENTRY PROGRAM

Easier Transition from Incarceration to Community

Re-entry Mediation is FREE to incarcerated individuals (pre-release) and recently released individuals (post-release). For more information, check out our flyers for pre-released and post-released individuals.

IN-COURT AND COURT-REFERRED MEDIATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides free mediation services for eviction cases in Bristol and Dukes Counties. We are present at District Courts in Attleboro, Fall River, Taunton, and Edgartown for summary process cases. MVMP offers free services for civil cases and small claims in advance of the court date. We are also qualified to provide in-court and court-referred services for Dukes County District, Superior, Probate, and Family Courts. We provide mediation for pre-criminal and 286 E harassment cases. Our Juvenile court mediators help with cases referred from the Juvenile Court. MV Mediation waives fees for cases referred by court or with an active docket number. 

WORKPLACE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

MV Mediation provides support to resolve conflicts in the workplace. We provide workshops and develop conflict resolution projects with workplaces, nonprofit organizations, and municipal and trades workplaces. Our confidential Workplace Management Cohort for supervisors and managers is a popular offering.

FACILITATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies, and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs. Read this article that describes how a facilitator can help you or your organization.

“We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help.”

 ––A recent facilitation client

CONFLICT COACHING SERVICES

It can help you. Not therapy. Not advice. 

So, what is Conflict Coaching?

Conflict Coaching is a one-on-one process, with the client and a coach working collaboratively to develop a new approach to conflict. It usually takes place over two one-hour sessions. Make your appointment today!

SOCIAL MEDIA

Following us on social media is a great way to support MV Mediation! Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. This month we focus on stress awareness and its connection to unresolved conflicts. As always, don’t miss out on helpful tips about managing conflicts in our daily lives. You will also get the latest information about community events, workshops, and courses.

Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

THANK YOU, DONORS!

Thanks to all our donors who participated in MV Mediation’s Annual Appeal. We will make use of your contributions wisely. We really appreciate your generosity.

It’s never too late to donate!

DONATE HERE

Our Mission

To serve our community by providing education, outreach,

mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation,

and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.

Our Vision

To create an island of competent, capable, and

effective conflict resolvers.

Thank you for our donors and sponsors for your continued support!

At MVMP our slogan is We Can Work It Out. Would you like to borrow this slogan?

Feel free. You Can Work It Out! We are here if you need our help.

MV Mediation Program mvmediation.org

508 693-2999 Community & Court

508 693-2199 Housing