Talking About How We Talk…

(I have had a draft of this thought for a few weeks but hesitated to send it. After hearing a drasha at one of the largest shuls in Bergen County this Shabbos, I decided to share it)

In college, I was introduced to the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Published over 40 years ago, this book remains a classic for parents and educators alike. 

Many years later, I was privileged to attend the Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Principals’ Center Summer Institute for the first time. One of the presenters was renowned developmental psychologist Dr. Bob Kegan, author of How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work. 

A common theme stressed in both books is the importance to listen, acknowledge, think and reflect before responding. 

At the core of their thesis, Faber and Mazlich encourage us to really listen to others, to acknowledge someone’s inner pain and offer them a chance to talk more about whatever may be troubling them. By using this technique, we can help the distressed individual to feel less upset, less confused, and be more able to cope with their feelings or problems.

In How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work, Dr. Kegan and co-author Dr. Lisa Laskow Lahey explain that most individuals and organizations are actually immune to deep and lasting change in spite of their best intentions. Real change involves going deeper, beneath the surface to the root cause of the issue being addressed. We try as a school community to incorporate both of these techniques into our daily practice. Often, children can be calmed when a caring adult intently listens and validates their problem or concern. How we listen matters.

So does the manner in which we communicate. Like many, I receive an abundance of emails each day and strive to respond in a timely fashion. Upon occasion, however, I may want to think more deeply about a certain matter or question before replying. In some instances, I may respond briefly and say something like, ”I have received your email and it is important to me. I want to take some time to think before responding.” The same, of course, could apply to any profession, including our own teachers who are often away from their email for hours at a time (they are teaching our students, your children!). 

We live in an era of instant gratification; we often expect immediate responses to our inquiries or problems. Allowing our children, and ourselves, to process problems and potential solutions is actually helpful. 

I want to extend this idea one step further. When discussing why we aren't seeing enough young people enter the world of education, Rabb Baum, rav of Keter Torah in Teaneck, outlined a few reasons. 

First, of course, is financial. While teachers don’t enter the field expecting wealth, they want and deserve a fair wage so they can create a respectful and respectable life for themselves and their families while living in our community.

However, a second and compelling reason features how we speak to and about our educators. Our children are among the most important aspects of our lives, and deservingly so. We care about them deeply and want only the best for them. As do our teachers. 

When we speak about our teachers in a less than flattering way in front of our children, it diminishes the professional. Sometimes our children are challenged by class material or even classmates. That can be very frustrating. We reach out for help in hope for quick responses and speedy resolutions. The partnership is sacred. As is the process. Sometimes, the solution takes time. Our teachers are working beyond to meet the growing needs of the children in their care. Please approach them with the level of respect they deserve.

How we listen, think, process and communicate with one another influences how we will continue to grow together as families, school and community.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Jonathan Knapp

Head of School