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When Your Child is Shy
It's not easy being a shy kid these days. From the time children are very young, teachers often expect students to be assertive—both in the classroom and the playground. If your child is considered "shy," you will likely hear teachers say they'd like you to help your little one overcome this behavior. This can be frustrating, especially when you recognize that being shy is simply part of who your child is right now, and you can't suddenly turn on a switch to change that.
But there are things you can do to support your shy child, making him feel good about the person he is right now, and gradually introducing him to ways of being more social that feel safe.
Avoid labels. Children are dynamic, ever-changing individuals. They might act shy now, but in a few years that could change dramatically, unless they are constantly reminded of how shy they are. Then the label—and the negative connotations associated with it—are likely to stick.
Teach appropriate social behavior. You can't force a shy child to become outgoing. But you can insist that your child, regardless of how shy, use socially appropriate behavior. This includes doing things like greeting peers and adults and making eye contact while having a conversation. But be patient. These seemingly simple social gestures may take a lot of practice for your inherently shy child to adopt on a regular basis.
Avoid comparing your child to her more outgoing peers. Pointing out how outgoing your child's friends or classmates are won't suddenly make her morph into an extrovert. Coming right out and saying "Why can't you be more like Susie or Jonny?" will not only fail to change your child's personality, it will probably make her feel as though you aren't satisfied with the person she is.
Give your child a social boost. Children who act shy in public often feel anxious about social situations that are new, or those that demand spontaneous responses. There are several ways you can help. Before facing a new situation, tell your child what to expect. The better prepared he is, the more comfortable he'll be. Another way to help quell social-related anxiety is to role play. You can pretend to be a classmate asking your son if he would like to play together. Then switch roles and have your son initiate a social connection.
Know that children who are shy often grow up to be assertive, independent adults. It's not unusual for parents to worry about the future of a shy child. But lots of people who are painfully shy as children grow up to be confident, independent adults. You can help your child by being supportive of who she is right now, and by gradually introducing her to new social situations in ways that make her feel safe and supported. |
SPECIAL PARENT SECTION:
Making Time to Socialize
Time flies when you have children and, too often, grown-up friendships suffer as a result. Before you know it, you're apt to go months—even years—without connecting with old friends. It's not that you've stopped caring for your pals of yore; you just don't seem to have the time, as juggling work and family obligations fill your days and nights, and weeks turn into months. You can’t turn back the clock, but you can squeeze in time to re-connect with old friends. Try these tactics.
Give yourself permission. As working mothers, we often carry around excess guilt about the amount of time we spend with our family or, more precisely, away from it. But when we allow ourselves to break away occasionally from the cycle of working and caring for our children, we'll be refreshed and better equipped to manage the responsibilities of everyday life.
Put it on the calendar. It's one thing to say "Let's get together;" it's another to actually do it. To make sure it happens, agree on a date and mark your calendar immediately. And make sure you put it on the master family calendar, so you don't run into any last-minute conflicts.
Schedule your next 'appointment' before you depart. You make follow-up doctor and hair appointments as you're checking out at the front desk, why not do the same thing with your friends? Lock in your next get together before you part ways. Otherwise, it may be years before you see each other again.
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