|
I have a short and focused share this month based on my observation at the office and in life at large: Parents seem to have severely "overcorrected" from the no-negotiating, firm, and controlling discipline of decades ago to sometimes "overvalidating" and vacillating on basic expectations for kindness, safety, and honesty.
Loving parents sometimes allow children, tweens, teens (and young adults) to run over their and others' physical and emotional boundaries in the name of connection and validation, feeling their relationship will suffer if they do not reason out every decision and have their kid "OK" with it.
This approach can only lead to further deterioration of kids' behavior and an INCREASE in anxiety and depression. Sane boundaries feel safe to tweens and teens, and even though they may sometimes act as if having all the power over their parents is what they want, most teens feel very uneasy when the reigns are given to them. They want and need limits to keep their developing, emotionally driven brains from destroying them. Parents need a plan of boundaries and limits in advance and to hold firm if and when their child pushes back on them or breaks them. That's how to raise good humans who cause minimal pain and suffering to others (most of the time).
While it's true that validatiing your child's "big" feelings of anger, fear, and sadness is very important to their emotional development, we all also benefit from containment of these emotions sometimes and learning ways to manage our emotions so that we do not hurt others, dump too much, destroy privacy, property or feelings of safety for others. And yes, parents, that includes YOU! You do not deserve to be cursed out, threatened, or maligned for setting and maintaining limits. My best advice is to set limits, calmly enforce them, and walk away if your child erupts into teen limbic system meltdowns. Temper tantrums only continue with a willing audience. It works like magic; the minute you stop negotiating and walk away from a tween/teen, the clear message is, "That's the end; you have to sit with your frustration with what you have done and the consequences, and it will be ok."
Many teens we treat successfully at Insight Counseling are screaming for parental boundaries. Many well-meaning parents fear damaging or hurting children by sticking to common sense. "No, that's not a good idea," or "No. You can't sleep over at your boyfriend's house" (at age 14), etc." Don't forget, teens may use guilt-inducing hystrionics to "get their way" sometimes, and parents will not cause harm when they stick to safety and house rules. Even when a teen has serious mental health issues, they require rules, boundaries, and especially learning how their emotional dysregulation can hurt others. So, in short, we can validate their emotions AND maintain the rule or request.
Of course, we may all have moments of emotional dysregulation. When we overreact, we can sincerely apologize to our child when we have snapped, yelled, or said things unkindly. When we have strayed from our best selves, we can own our overreaction with a sincere, "I should not have used those words, tone, reacted so intensely, etc." We are then teaching our children that when we emotionally dump on others, we owe them an apology.
Next month, I'll share more 'how-to' tips around setting sane limits on common behaviors and expectations. As the summer winds down, a suggestion is to work with your partner on the' back-to-school' routine boundaries and expectations and start to share them now (like bedtimes, wake-up times, technology rules, etc.). You can make a real impact on family life by practicing the power of loving limits.
Good luck- and stay firm and calm! Liz
| 
