Read on for two additional strategies to handle the regression we described last week. Remember that the pull towards patterns, roles, and expectations we learned in the past, happens to all of us. Adopting strategies can help prepare for, and resist, the accompanying feelings and reactions we often experience.

[Read Part 1] [Read Part 2]

Reflection—pausing to consider your hopes and expectations, thinking about what’s possible, what’s likely, and what would be amazing—is an important part of any helpful strategy.

Pause and reflect right now and consider these questions:

A strategy that can also be a goal is to “Stay You”—to show up as your authentic, age-appropriate self, as an evolving work-in-progress with multiple roles and responsibilities. This is often easier said than done when you are in the swirl of family roles and someone is trying to revive a rivalry from years ago. How can we avoid the old arguments, resentments and jealousies of the past?

When preparing, consider how your perspective has changed since you were a child. You may find that being away from home (at college, working in another city, or establishing your own home) has helped you appreciate your community or broadened your perspective. Being responsible for paying bills or being part of a team at work may help you better understand the pressures on your siblings and parents. Becoming a parent may have changed how you understand your own parents and siblings. In considering your own role in the family and the ways your family has helped shape and guide you, you may feel gratitude for some parts and constrained by other parts. You might feel grateful that you are appreciated as a caretaker and also feel overwhelmed by that role.

When reflecting and considering how to share your current self with others, it may help to practice “both, and” thinking. We can be both a caretaker and we can also recognize even caretakers need care, attention and rest. We can be both an annoying little brother, and also be a parent raising our own children thoughtfully and wholeheartedly. We can be both the sister who teased and tormented and who is now a close friend.

On the day of and during the event, you can notice the pull towards old arguments and pause. The pause can be used to remember your goals, or to allow your “today” self to catch up and respond, or to notice that you are not alone in being pulled towards old patterns. Often, in those moments, stating our intentions to others helps defuse conflict—I want to help, or I appreciate your efforts. You can use compassion (just like me, everyone experiences regression) and curiosity (I wonder what it’s like for them) to guide your responses.

A longer-term strategy for "staying you" in the midst of your family is to spend time with your relatives. It’s easier to see and understand that we all evolve over time if we have a relationship with the other person’s “today” self. As you spend time with people, your growth and changes will be evident and you will see theirs as well.

Similar to staying you, being present in the moment can be a very effective strategy to manage regression. Being present simply means focusing on the here and now experience, without trying to change, avoid, or fix it. Our minds are usually busy with all kinds of feelings, thoughts, comparisons, worries, questions, plans…it can be hard to decide to focus on one time period (the present) and live it compassionately without judgment. To encourage non-judgment, you might try saying one of these phrases silently to yourself: here’s what’s happening right now, this is part of life, or I notice…

To prepare to use this strategy, you can practice being present. Your practice can be scheduled and timed (for example, 10 minutes at 7am) or you can practice awareness as you go through your day. You might try noticing sensations (sights, sounds, textures, smells, tastes) and how they change and shift from moment to moment. It often helps to give yourself permission to let go of what you were doing a few moments ago and focus on now, and to give yourself permission to put aside thoughts about what you will be doing later so you can focus on now. You can say to yourself, “there’s nowhere else I need to be, nothing else I need to do…I’m right here.”

Many people find that as they choose to be present, feelings bubble up and are released. This may be pleasant and helpful, but can be also be overwhelming. If you find yourself overwhelmed, you can use box breathing (breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4, repeat) or reengage thoughts of past or future events to help return to calm.

During the event you can be present by focusing on sensations, eye contact, noticing what’s the same and different about each person, by listening carefully to the words chosen, the tone used, seeing people’s facial expressions, or reminding yourself that you are “right here.”

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