Lower Manhattan’s Local Newspaper

April 1 News Roundup

Pearl Jam

A sinkhole opened beneath the former Verizon building at 375 Pearl Street (adjacent to the Brooklyn Bridge) over the weekend, swallowing 11 floors of the 32-story skyscraper. No one was hurt. In fact, Brooklyn Heights residents (long appalled by the hideous view of a building regularly included on lists of the ugliest skyscrapers in the world) rejoiced. Experts say an unauthorized fracking operation under nearby Murry Bergtraum High School - conducted as a science project by students seeking extra credit, as well as a side hustle - caused the depression. Concerned about the stability of the exit ramp on the north side of the Brooklyn Bridge, which now tilts 12 degrees downward, City Department of Transportation officials have spread sand across the road surface “to give drivers a little bit of extra traction.” Community activists spearheading the development of nearby Gotham Park pronounced themselves thrilled at the thought of underground amphitheaters formed by fracking. “We’ll have subterranean skateboarding competitions!” a spokesman exclaimed.

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Reefer Madness

The SS United States was guided from her Philadelphia dock a few days ago.

Photograph: WS Rower

In a last-ditch effort to save the historic SS United States ocean liner from being floated to the Florida Gulf Coast, sunk to the bottom of the ocean, and turned into the world’s largest artificial reef, the BPCA has offered dock space at North Cove. Acknowledging the legacy of the majestic vessel, which set a 1952 trans-Atlantic speed record (that still holds), but has been rusting at a Philadelphia pier for 30 years, the BPCA president said, “we’re proud to bring the SS United States back to her home port. We’ll definitely need to widen North Cove a bit.” He noted that the ship’s length (five city blocks longer than the Titanic) will require “knocking down three of the towers in Gateway Plaza.” A spokesman for the Gateway Plaza Tenants Association responded by demanding that all of the first-class staterooms on the former luxury liner be set aside for displaced residents.

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Drive to Survive

The North America Grand Prix, a Formula One World Championship race long held in Texas, will run through the winding streets of Lower Manhattan in 2026. Not only will congestion pricing remain in effect for the race, but the MTA has announced that the levy will double with each lap. Based on an initial toll of $9, multiplied by two at the end of each of 56 laps, the winner will owe New York State $32.4 quadrillion, or slightly more than 300 times the gross domestic product of the entire world economy. To be prepared for sunny day flooding, each car will be equipped with inflatable pontoons for deployment when rounding the Battery. Elderly residents and parents attempting to cross West Street with small children are advised to make sure their family life insurance is fully paid up.

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Ghetto Bluster

Seeking to address the concerns of community leaders and elected officials that Lower Manhattan has, in recent years, lost more affordable housing inventory than any other community in the state, Governor Kathy Hochul and celebrity chef Jean-George recently announced a plan to convert the Tin Building into a housing complex called Tin Pan Valley. The project will create slightly more than 500 new homes, of which three units will be set aside as affordable apartments to be leased rent-free to people with annual earnings of between $783,000 and $949,000. “I know some people will decry this as a giveaway,” the Governor said, “but I don’t care. In these difficult times, reserving two-thirds of one percent of those apartments for the most vulnerable among us is simply the right thing to do.” In exchange for this affordability concession, which is slated to sunset in four years, real estate developer Seaport Diversions Conglomerate (which owns the Tin Building) will receive a a tax rebate of $745 million.

Editor’s note: The preceding news parodies were published in observance of April Fool’s Day. The Broadsheet’s coverage of actual absurdities will resume tomorrow. Please note that the ads are real, as are the calendar listings.

DOWNTOWN CALENDAR

Tuesday, April 1

10:30am

Zumba

6 River Terrace

Easy-to-follow Latin dance choreography. Free.

2pm-4pm

Mah Jongg & More

200 Rector Place

Join a dedicated group of Mah Jongg enthusiasts for friendly games, or try your hand at other card and board games. Free.

3pm-4:30pm

Drop-In Chess

6 River Terrace

Play the game while getting pointers from an expert. For ages 5 and up. Free.

Wednesday, April 2

10am-12pm

Visual Narrative

6 River Terrace

Explore creating character, using perspective, drawing the human figure, and incorporating text and simple bookmaking techniques that will allow you to put your stories into a readable form. Registration required; email registration@bpca.ny.gov

1pm

Downtown Beats Chorus

200 Rector Place

Learn contemporary and classic songs and perform at community events throughout the year. Free.

5pm

Mālama I Ke Kai

Perelman Performing Arts Center

Mālama I Ke Kai is the Hawaiian proverb meaning “care for the ocean.” The New York Climate Exchange, The Climate Museum, and musicians from the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, in partnership with PAC NYC, present a musical performance and discussion that explores our relationship with the ocean across cultures and how that relationship can be repaired. The event is a call to action, to inspire humanity to protect oceans and marine life from environmental threats, and will feature performances of Raise Hawaiki (2017) and E Mālama I Ke Kai (2019) by Hawai’i-born composer Michael Thomas Foumai. Free.

6pm

Not Dead Yet

Mysterious Bookshop, 58 Warren Street

Book reading and signing by Jeffrey Siger, author of Not Dead Yet.

6pm

Community Board One's Transportation & Street Activity Permits Committee 

Livestreamed

Agenda:

• 2025 TD Five Boro Bike Tour
• 2025 Wall Street Run & Heart Walk
• Dinner on Duane
• Discussion of regulations on commercial E-bikes

6:30pm

Heartwood

McNally Jackson, 4 Fulton Street

Reading. Amity Gaige presents Heartwood, in conversation with Jennifer Egan. $5.

March 2018 photograph © Robert Simko

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