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When I was a little girl, I got the above picture from a Thrifty drugstore.
For some reason I have treasured it all these years. When this month's topic came forward, I knew I had to share it.
A week ago yesterday, I had a total abdominal hysterectomy to remove a mass doctors believed was in my uterus. Besides a 3 night hospital stay last month (when I found out about the tumor), the only other hospital stay I have experienced was when I had a hernia as a kid.
Oddly, the days leading up to surgery, especially the morning of it were a joyful experience. I mean crazy joyful, even euphoric for me. I had decided to hold it all as an adventure that was FOR me and the greater good. I did healing work with the tumor - giving it a voice, allowing it to express upset, hurt and anger.
It shared that it was a repository for many disappointments, including the relentless corruption and cruelty of Trump and his regime.
I went into surgery feeling clear,
ready to release anything that was no longer serving me.
I trusted I was in good hands with God and the surgical team.
After surgery, I was still feeling giddy and enthusiastic about everything.
This felt like a new beginning for me.
Later that night, my happy bubble burst when my new nurse got an attitude and refused to give me pain meds. I was so upset that I ended up demanding and getting a new nurse. Thankfully, my dad was there to witness and speak up for me too.
Naively, I thought removing this tumor was going to take away the harshness of life, including my need to be outspoken about things. I am tired of feeling constantly called to stand up for human decency, caring and kindness, especially lately, given the intensity of what we are experiencing.
It felt shitty to have to speak up for something as basic as the right to be believed and cared for less than eight hours after having a major surgery.
The next morning my doctor came in and gave me some unsettling news.
While in surgery, she was surprised to discover the cantaloupe-sized mass was actually in my right ovary, not my uterus. She called an oncologist while I was on the table to find out what to do. She took samples of various areas to test for (ovarian) cancer, which I am still waiting to hear results from.
Of course, I hope and pray all is benign.
I am left feeling anxious and scared about all the ‘what if’s.
Being told 'try not to think about it' doesn't help.
HOW do we not think about the scary things?
HOW do we face the raw emotions that surface?
HOW do we surrender, trust... let go and let God?
As I sit here waiting for news that could potentially change everything, I am reminded that the way out is IN. The way in is sitting with the unknown, sitting with all the feelings, sitting with over-thinking it, sitting with the messiness, and with learning to trust and flow with whatever the 'God plan' is.
Did my Soul sign up for the Cancer experience this time around?
We shall see.
Can I still live in the knowing that all is happening FOR me?
I certainly hope so.
And, everything is welcome in this experience.
This poem has meant everything to me this month:
“A Divine Invitation”
You have been invited to meet
The Friend.
No one can resist a Divine Invitation.
That narrows down all our choices
to just two:
We can come to God
dressed for Dancing
or
be carried on a stretcher
to God’s Ward.
~Hafiz
I've come to realize that it doesn't matter how we arrive,
for we will each arrive one day.
And upon our arrival, we will know true love and belonging.
I am knowing this now.
At least in this very moment.
I appreciate your prayers and Light.
Thank you
Teri Jo
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