March 20, 2019
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Something Was Finished, But Not Betty
- Carolyn V. Coarsey, Ph.D
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Suicide does not solve extraordinary problems, only ordinary ones—magnified beyond their importance by searing pain wrongly believed to be at once unbearable and inescapable.
-Paul Quinnett, Ph.D.
Founder & CEO, QPR Institute
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I met Betty about ten years after her suicide crisis. There was no family support for Betty, so she relied on her parish priest and a counselor she met after she attempted to end her life with her husband’s handgun. The counselor helped Betty understand that her thoughts of ending her life emanated from her depression over her failed marriage. Her sense of loss was about a dead relationship, and it did not mean that anyone’s life should end. The parish priest helped her see that the church would support her and her children as they built new lives.
Betty's Beginning
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Betty was born in a small town in the Midwest US to parents who were ambivalent about her birth. Her brother had been born a couple of years earlier, putting a strain on the young couples’ relationship. Uneducated, they struggled to pay bills, before adding daycare. The hard-working parents were not anticipating raising a second child when Betty’s mother became pregnant again. Betty’s mother suffered from a pervasive sadness after her birth, leading doctors to diagnose her with postpartum depression. Her mother’s sister, who also had children, took Betty to raise until her mother could return to health. On her first birthday, Betty moved back in with her parents and brother.
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Looking back on her childhood and adolescence, Betty did not recall feeling different from other children in how her family treated her. Yet when she battled depression in her later life, she could not help but wonder how the first year of her life had affected her emotional development.
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Betty was popular with her peers, and in high school she was voted class president, more than once. She also headed the cheerleading squad her senior year. A classmate, who was the son of a respected, "well-off" family, often considered the blue-bloods of town, became infatuated with Betty. The attraction was mutual, and by the time Betty and Bobby graduated from high school, they became engaged. Betty forfeited plans for college and ended any dreams that she once had for a career of her own. Bobby would inherit his father's lucrative business, and any money that Betty might earn would not be necessary. She felt that she would be fulfilled as Bobby's wife, raising their family.
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Betty's parents were thrilled to learn their daughter was about to become a member of the town's royalty by marrying Bobby. Her mother showed Betty's large diamond engagement ring to friends and family every time they were together. Betty often felt that her mother who had always worked hard to put food on the table, was living through her, vicariously. The promise of their daughter living a life where having enough money would never be an issue helped motivate her parents to scrape together enough money to host an expensive wedding that Bobby's parents would consider good enough.
Feeling trapped, feeling hopeless and/or helpless, and feeling intolerably alone contribute to suicidal desire.
-Paul Quinnett, Ph.D.
Founder & CEO, QPR Institute
Death of a Dream
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By Betty’s nineteenth birthday, she and Bobby were married. It was the wedding of the year for the small town. To her mother's delight, Betty became pregnant in the first year. Shortly after their first anniversary, Betty gave birth to their son, Bobby, III. Betty would look back later and identify the birth of her son as the point at which her life changed for the worst.
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Bobby shared none of the duties associated with parenting. The baby was colicky and Betty, once a good sleeper, was now unable to get more than a few hours of sleep daily. The stress from this alone prevented Betty from losing her pregnancy weight. A few days before her son's first birthday, Betty discovered she was pregnant again. Betty was the only one not ecstatic over the news.
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Timmy was a better sleeper, but the closeness of their ages caused Betty to feel that she had no life of her own. Bobby did not believe in paying for childcare. Betty's life became about diapers, bottles, naps, and fatigue. Her life spiraled out of control. Once pretty, well-groomed, and a stylish dresser; Betty was now overweight, poorly groomed, and lonely.
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Bobby’s life was the opposite. He now ran the family business. He took as much time off as he needed for weekly golf games, and when the weather did not permit outside activities, Bobby could be found on the racket ball court. Bobby seemed unaware, or perhaps unconcerned that Betty was unhappy. Anyone could see that he was practically living the life of a single man, while Betty was raising their children.
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Betty saw no way out of her situation. It was true that she lived in a beautiful home and to outsiders, she had a perfect life. Despite the outward image, there was no relationship between Bobby and Betty. The only thing they had in common was the boys— her depression grew. By the time the boys entered kindergarten and first grade, Betty felt that her life was over. She began to believe that even her boys would be better off without her.
The Attempt
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Betty planned her suicide throughout several months. At first, it was a fleeting thought as a way to end her pain. And then she found herself daydreaming about ending her life more frequently. As Bobby spent less time with her and the boys, the more she found herself fantasizing about punishing him by taking her own life. Betty obsessed about how her suicide note would read. Finally, she put the words on paper. In the end, Betty chose not to blame Bobby. As her self-esteem continued to dwindle, she began to feel unworthy of being the boys’ mother. Betty could not think of anyone who needed her to remain alive.
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Finally, the day came. The boys were at school and Bobby at work. Betty went into their bedroom and carefully took the key from beneath the drawer in the chest where Bobby’s gun was locked away.
Betty had fired the weapon many times at the firing range with Bobby when they were dating.
Bobby wanted her to know how to protect herself, and taught her how to load and fire the small handgun himself.
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Placing the note on their bed, Betty picked up the fully loaded gun and walked out into the back yard, allowing the screened door to slam behind her. She walked past the carefully manicured lawn, out into the open field behind their home and put the gun to her temple. When her index finger touched the trigger, she suddenly stopped. “No, she thought, I cannot do this!” With tears streaming down her face, she then turned the gun toward the open field, pointed down to the ground, squeezed the trigger and emptied the gun chamber. She no longer wanted to have a loaded weapon within her reach.
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Betty suddenly had clarity. She knew she did not want to die. She found the number for a local suicide hotline and quickly dialed it. When the responder on the line determined that she still had access to the weapon, and how close she had come to dying, he suggested she go outside and wait for the paramedics that were being sent for her. Frightened and ashamed, Betty followed his instructions, picked up her purse and walked out to wait for help.
Physical Survival
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Two young responders came to her rescue, a man and a woman. They were kind and gentle with her. They led her to the ambulance and transported her to the local hospital where she was admitted to the psychiatric unit. She was taken aback when the admissions team asked who they could contact. She had not anticipated ever calling family again after that day—the thought of her mother, her husband, or anyone she knew now coming to her side caused a new wave of panic.
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Betty surprised herself when she provided the name of the parish priest who had married her and Bobby. Raised in the Catholic church, Betty had drifted away from its comfort shortly after the wedding. While Bobby’s family were major benefactors of the church, he felt no real connection to the church and the young couple stopped attending mass. As though she had been a faithful church attendee, Father Henry came at once.
Suicide prevention takes a team.
-Paul Quinnett, Ph.D.
Founder & CEO, QPR Institute
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Father Henry heard her confession and assured her of God's forgiveness. He pledged his support of her. For the first time in a long time, Betty knew that she had someone on her side. Next came a relationship with a counselor at the local mental health clinic. Betty met her when she was discharged from the hospital. Over the next several months, Father Henry and the counselor provided the lifeline that would help Betty plan a new life. Betty learned that little Bobby and Timmy would always be in her life, but she had no obligation to remain in a marriage where the love had died.
Emotional Survival
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With the help of her counselor, Betty sought the advice of an attorney. Soon, divorce papers were filed and Betty started up the path to building a new life. With a new secretarial job and child support, Betty could afford a modest apartment and a new beginning. Betty lost weight and had regained her looks and confidence that her unhappy relationship with Bobby had stolen from her.
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Betty would later learn that just before the divorce papers were signed, Bobby’s family heard that Betty was going through the reconfirmation of her faith. Bobby’s father had gone to the parish diocese and threatened that should they continue to support Betty; he would withdraw their financial support of the church. It was a great source of relief when Betty learned that the church leadership stood up for her. Despite the threat, Betty completed the reconfirmation ceremony.
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Two years after the divorce, Betty received a promotion at work along with a transfer to a nearby state. She now felt that she could entirely escape the small town and her painful past. Bobby reluctantly agreed to her move out-of-state with the boys. Though at first, he pushed back, he had already begun a new marriage with a child on the way, thus he conceded.
New Life
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When I met Betty, she was still active in the Catholic Church. Looking back, she said that she would always believe that God had stopped her from pulling the trigger. She also thought that being admitted to the hospital gave her the new start on life that she needed. The counselor helped her see that her thoughts about dying were symbolic of the death of her relationship with Bobby. In her depression, she confused the end of the relationship with the need for her death. Getting professional help allowed her to untangle her story and begin a new life.
