FOCUS: Self-Accountability
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Over the years, I have been asked what I feel couples struggle with the most in their relationships. Why do couples either make it or not? My response isn’t the typical: Communication, intimacy, connection, parenting, religious beliefs, family, work, or financial issues. My answer:
Lack of personal responsibility in relationships.
Not taking personal responsibility for feelings, actions, desires, words, mistakes, faults, errors, and even accomplishments create an unstable fragile foundation for a relationship with someone you profess to love and care about.
Having and exhibiting a lack of personal accountability creates a fertile breeding ground for conflict, unhappiness, confusion, misunderstanding, stagnation, emptiness, victimization, gaslighting, loneliness, which proves to be emotionally exhausting and damaging in relationships. Many times, termed, “Pointing the finger at others”.
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Trust is built on accountability. Trust is the foundation of any meaningful relationship. It involves having confidence in someone’s honesty, reliability, and intentions. When individuals consistently demonstrate accountability for their actions and decisions, it builds trust because it shows that they can be relied upon to take responsibility for their behavior. When individuals can’t seem to own their own mistakes and their part in the dysfunction, trust will inevitably be non-existent and create the demise of the relationship.
Accountability strengthens trust: When people take ownership of their actions, acknowledge their mistakes, and make amends, when necessary, it reinforces trust in their reliability and integrity. This willingness to be accountable demonstrates a commitment to transparency and open communication, which are essential for trust to thrive.
Lack of accountability erodes trust: Conversely, when individuals consistently avoid accountability, deny their mistakes, or shift blame onto others, it erodes trust within the relationship. This behavior can create doubts about the person’s honesty, reliability, and intentions, leading to a breakdown in trust.
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What happens when trust is broken or there wasn’t any trust to begin with? How do couples even begin the tedious journey of repairing broken trust or build trust in a shaky relationship?
Open and Honest Communication:
Foster an environment of open and honest communication. Encourage each other to share thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or criticism. Keep your mouth shut. You are not in a court of law. You don’t need to rebuttal or prove your case. Shut up and allow your partner to speak. Your responses? “Okay” “I hear you” “My intention was not to hurt you” “I am sorry I hurt you” “ I hear where you are coming from”.
Accountability:
Take responsibility for your actions and behaviors. Acknowledge and apologize for any mistakes or wrongdoings. Yes, apologize. It won’t kill you.
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PRINTABLES & ACTIVITIES BY BECKY
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Accountability in Relationships
Hosted by Dr. Jennifer
In this NEW podcast episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Tony Overbay of The Virtual Couch Podcast (@tonyoverbay) to discuss differentiation, self-validation, and the vital role of self-confrontation in intimate relationships.
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The Best Type of Accountability
Hosted by Flourish
What are the types of accountability and which one will help you best achieve your goals? This episode breaks down how accountability can unlock progress.
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RECOMMENDED BOOKS & AUDIO
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Mailbag: Power in Relationships, Self-Worth, Motivation, and Personal Responsibility
by Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson
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After the Affair, Third Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
by Janis A. Spring
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Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting® Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair
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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
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Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
I want each person I work with to know they do have a voice, and by becoming accountable, they can change their lives for the better.
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CRT, CCDC, CACC
Life Coach & Counselor
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