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I drove a rental car from Palm Springs to Ripon, CA.
The rental place wanted to know the purpose of my trip. Business or pleasure?
Business. Show business! I had a Big Band concert at the Lucca Winery. Saturday night in Ripon. Rippin’ in Ripon!
The rental car was brand-new. A smart car.
More like a pain in the neck car.
Whenever I stopped at a light, the car shut off. I thought the car broke down! I was getting ready to call my favorite towing company…
Haul and Totes.
Turns out, the car turns off whenever it comes to a stop. And starts back up when you take your foot off the brake.
Not sure why. Does it save gas? Reduce emissions? Thin out the population by inducing heart attacks?
I pulled onto the highway. The first time I changed lanes the steering wheel started to shimmy and shake. I thought I’d lost a wheel!
But no.
The smart car was letting my dumb noggin know I was changing lanes. The whole trip, every shift left or drift right, the steering wheel wobbled. Fun.
The cruise control worked like a charm. Until a car pulled into my lane! Even if they were 10 lengths in front of me, the rental would brake really hard. First time it happened it scared the crap outta me.
The smart car also lectured me. She—it was a female voice—would say things like, “Driver’s seat belt is not buckled. Buckle up.”
Or “Passenger door is open. Close it.” And if I didn’t, it would remind me again. And again!
The smart car made me feel…stupid. I almost expected her to holler, “What are you? Some kinda moron?”
Not once did she say, “I love your new song.” Or "You’re ridiculously good-looking.”
She just told me everything I was doing wrong. Well, at least I could drop her off after a couple days!
Along the road to Ripon, I passed through Modesto under a sign with the Modesto Motto:
Water. Wealth. Contentment. Health.
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