I recently watched what may be one of my favorite movies ever. I laughed. I sobbed. I watched as the characters wove together a profound narrative about parenting. And yes, I am writing about the movie Wild Robot (and if you have not yet seen the movie - get thyself to a theater!) 

Brightbill is a gosling who must learn to eat, swim and fly by the fall migration, and Roz, the robot, invests herself in teaching Brightbill these tasks, so that Brightbill can fly away from home. As I watched Roz throw herself into this task, it made me think about the ways I do - or don’t - set up my children to fly away from home. While my deadline is further than the fall migration season, my goal is not so different from Roz. I want my children to leave me, successfully and safely. And that training begins from the day they are born.

The Talmud teaches that a parent is obligated to teach their child to swim. Some interpret this to mean the actual mechanics of swimming, so that a child can survive if they were to fall into the water. Others interpret this to mean that a parent teaches a child the mechanism by which to leave home. Either way, a parent’s obligation is to ensure a child can survive well without them. Or as I once wisely heard a mother say, as her son moved away from home, “Parenting is the most selfless task; if done right, you set yourself up for heartbreak.”

I think about this sentiment a lot when parenting. I want my children to feel loved and cared for, like they can depend on me for anything, but I also want them to be independent. If they are still living with me as an adult, if they are using me as an advocate with their boss, if they still depend on me for the simple tasks of life, I will have actually failed them as a parent. But sometimes the act of teaching independence can cause anxiety or worry, or even (as that mother shared), heartbreak. And it makes me wonder: how do we put aside our own feelings and needs so we can raise the adults we want our children to be? 

Some of these answers come from Roz. At the beginning of the movie, Roz is an outsider without much knowledge of how to raise a gosling. She relies on the village of animals to support her, but she must ultimately persevere through really difficult circumstances, relying on her own sense of what is right. Similarly, as we raise our own children, other parents may make choices different from the ones we make - whether they may give their children more independence or less - and while we have the benefit of learning from our village, it’s important that we stay true to our own values. If we think our kids are ready to bike to a friend’s house, or we don’t want to let our kids have social media, we need to trust our instincts and not change our decisions because of those around us.

And second, we must manage our own anxieties, fears and emotions so that our children can have their own experiences. When it is time for Brightbill to leave (and no spoilers, I promise!) Roz understands the task. She has her own feelings about Brightbill’s departure, but she puts his needs as the primary focus. In one particularly poignant moment, she runs, despite it being difficult for her, so that Brightbill can fly.

I was thinking about this scene this past weekend in a conversation with my husband. Our oldest, a freshman in high school, is asking to do things that are new to us as a family, and truthfully, some of the decisions are ones that cause us anxiety. Would it be safe? Was this an age appropriate opportunity? And at one moment we stopped and said, “In 3.5 years she will be in college. What needs to be true now, so that she will successfully be ready then?” We had to put away some of our own discomfort in order to give our child what she needs to grow into the independent human we want her to be. And this is true whether we are looking at the big play structure that our 2 year old wants to climb, considering the age when we will let our child ride around the block on their bike without us, letting them go to overnight camp even though we will miss them, or deciding whether to let our child use the oven. When we hold them back because we feel nervous, our kids not only miss out on important learning, they start to absorb the lesson that they should rely on us, that they are not capable, that they should be more fearful. Our feelings - our anxieties, our worries, our neurosis - ultimately impact our child’s well-being. 

I won’t spoil the movie - again, see it if you haven’t! - but Roz the Robot really helped me think about my parenting, both the parts of which I am proud and the parts to which I still aspire. Because if done right, I’m learning that parenting means supporting my kids to take off – in part by managing my own anxieties and fears – so they don’t crash-land as adults.