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I’ll have to admit that I sometimes get sucked into headline news hyperbole, especially when it relates to teenagers, a group I’ve devoted my career to. So when my news feed flashed ‘Teens are crumbling under extreme pressure,’ I had no choice but to read the article.
Teens as a whole aren’t as bad off as the press would have us believe, but there’s still something almost toxic happening to teenagers in our achievement-based culture that is having an adverse effect on their wellbeing. I strongly believe a great deal of it is related to our society’s shift away from the Christian faith, or more specifically, proper theology (simply put, a philosophy of life promoting human flourishing). See, Holy Scripture (God’s Word) says that each person is created in the image of God, is a child of God, and is a son or daughter of God – The King. When you frame your self-image through that lens, everything changes. And we need our teens to be bathed more in that worldview. This is what we believe at VCHS.
So let’s get a little practical. For parents of high school students and those who work with them, we need to praise character over achievement. Yes, achievement or success, however defined, is a good thing, but it’s overrated relative to good character. An example of such praise from a parent to their teen might sound like this after losing a game or match. Praise like – “I loved seeing your sportsmanship,” or “I admired your hard work,” or “I’m so proud of the way you cheered on your team from the bench.” Yes, we should value winning, but we should value character more.
Last point, and let’s return to the Teens Crumbling article. The author shared this advice in a Q & A:
- It all boils down to this idea psychologists call ‘mattering.’
- Mattering can be defined as kids who felt valued for who they are at their core.
- Kids who have a high level of mattering, their mattering acted as a protective shield. It worked like a buoy that lifted them up and helped them be resilient.
- As a parent, I used to solve for happiness. I now solve for mattering.
I want to put a punctuation point on her last point. We need to worry less about our teens being happy (I just want my son or daughter to be happy) and more about them feeling and believing that they matter. And this connects beautifully with a key word in our school’s mission – Purpose. When teens begin to develop a sense of purpose (the ability to begin to answer the question – what can I contribute to my family, school, community, world, etc.?), they will move away from ‘crumbling’ to ‘flourishing.’
Steve O'Neil
Head of School
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