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If you’re a dad, keep reading. This is for you (and me).
I recognize there are a myriad of dads out there – biological, step, dad of school-age children, dad of adult children, those who have stepped into this role, and the list goes on.
Like a multipoint car inspection, it’s good to periodically look under your ‘dad’ hood and do a quick self-check. Ask yourself what’s going well and what can improve. Let’s call it a 4-point inspection.
1. Time: Quality is better than quantity, but not by much. Not by much because there is something about reliability or consistency (showing up for the job each day) that makes a child feel valued and safe. For quantity, say ‘yes’ more than ‘no’; for quality, do monthly dad dates with each of your children. I’ll have to admit the former was more difficult for me when my kids were still at home as quantity demanded more personal sacrifice – my time. We hear too often about the absent dad; the antidote is a ‘present’ dad. With your children, how present are you, not only physically but also emotionally?
2. Always pursue. This is especially true for dads of teenagers. Too many of these dads tap out too quickly. Many dads try to be a fixer or a hero and when they’re not successful, they quit. The ‘dad playbook’ is not like your career or a sports competition with wins and losses. Take the long view and keep pursuing, and even when you think you’re failing, reject passivity. How much are you actively pursuing your children?
3. Role models: Find one, be one. Find a healthy dad role model, especially if you didn’t have one. Seek out mentors and take time to talk with other men about fatherhood. This may include coming to terms with your own dad or stepdad’s shortcomings and not letting that become an albatross around your neck. Be a role model for your children especially in how you show respect for the mother of your children. Your children are watching closely, especially your sons. Who are your role models and are you one?
4. Words matter. No matter their ages, children want and need to regularly hear words of affirmation from dads like ‘I’m proud of you’ and ‘I love you’. If these words weren’t spoken to you as a child, saying them may not come easily, but you can do it. Write a text, a handwritten note, or say them out loud to your child – regularly. For me with my daughter, I think handwritten notes are the most powerful as she saves them. How frequently do you let your children know that you’re proud of them and that you love them?
What’s going well? Pat yourself on the back and keep doing more of it. What can improve? Choose one thing and start doing it today.
Steve O'Neil
Head of School
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