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I’m certainly not an expert on teenagers but I have worked with them in schools for thirty-five years, raised three of my own, and was one myself. There are timeless truths about teens – how they’re wired, what they want and need, and what parents should know and do. I’ve assembled a few thoughts – 10 Unsolicited Tips for Raising Teens.
1. Talk about the hard stuff. They know a version of it already, likely from their peers or the Internet, not always the best sources. They need to hear from you. One-on-one in the car while driving is a good place. Open-ended questions will get the best responses.
2. Promote self-advocacy. The key here is to be your teen’s number one cheerleader with the words ‘you’ve got this’ said regularly. Demonstrate confidence and you’ll see your teen become confident. With school, strongly encourage and challenge your teen to self-advocate with teachers by writing an email or meeting in person.
3. Really listen. Be fully present to listen when they are ready to talk. Too often parents attempt to talk with their teens when the timing isn’t right. Listen on their time, not yours. Unfortunately, this may be very late at night.
4. Praise character. What character traits do you want to see more of in your teen? When you see it, praise it. Praise traits like hard work, kindness, and resilience. And keep class grades talk in check – instead praise effort and improvement.
5. Set boundaries and expectations. Deep down inside, these make teens feel loved. Be clear about your expectations with illegal substance use, especially alcohol. With older teens, brainstorm and create expectations together – ones that may not be ideal but that you can accept.
6. Share your own failures. Most would agree that ‘skinned knees’ are the building blocks to strong character. Tell your own ‘skinned knees’ stories and how you moved forward. When you make parenting mistakes, apologize and ask for forgiveness.
7. Teach and model digital citizenship. You can’t say enough that digital footprints (including screen grabs) are forever. Yes, set ground rules to limit screen time, but also set them for yourself. Teens are watching and learning from adults who are healthy (or not) with their screen time. Set a good example.
8. Pray and encourage. If you believe God answers prayers, then pray for your teen. Some of the best prayers come from Scripture like this one from The Book of Numbers – The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. And write encouraging and smile-producing handwritten notes and texts. They really do love them.
9. Protect family mealtimes. Make family meals a priority – without technology. Have them at least three to four times each week. Use a book of questions or conversation starter cards to help make time together fun.
10. Get involved with school. The research is clear. Students whose parents volunteer or are active with their child’s school make better grades and healthier lifestyle choices. When you’re involved with school, you also meet other parents. Parenting teens is not meant to be done in isolation. Parent in community with other parents, especially ones who share your values. Don’t go it alone.
Steve O'Neil
Head of School
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