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Question: Can people change? Are our personality traits and characteristics hard-wired, or are we capable of significant long-lasting change for the better? Unlike the animal world, humankind does possess the ability to reason and then react, but even this has its limits.
I am reading a book entitled Attached co-authored by a psychologist and a physician. The book deals with the subject of adult attachment and relationship. The authors research found that relational categories used in raising children applied equally to issues in adult relationships. Like early childhood, they discovered adult attachment falls into three categories: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. The science suggests, “secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxiouspeople crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.” The book then presents strategies for developing a more secureself, and becoming a better relational partner. Can people change? Yes, but it requires commitment and effort.
The early life of the biblical patriarch Jacob is one of deceit. He cheats his brother Esau out of his birth right, through disguise he fools his father Isaac into believing he is Esau in an effort to receive the fatherly blessing intended for Esau. He later practices acts of deception against his Uncle Laban. With his life spiraling out of control, Jacob has a dream: He finds himself wrestling with an angel. After a struggle, he is finally able to defeat the angel but not until he has suffered an injury to his leg. The angel becomes a metaphor for his struggle. Jacob comes to terms with the person he’s become, and commits himself to change. However, there is another metaphor in this dream: the injury suffered in the struggle. Jacob will limp through life as a constant reminder of who he was, but who he no longer wants to be. A momentary change is always possible; permanent change requires memory.
In adult attachment, most of us are unaware of the issues we bring into a relationship. Until Jacob wrestled with the angel, he was unaware of his moral shortcomings. Having come to terms with who he was, through commitment and effort, he became who he should be. Taking stock of who we are is the beginning, commitment and effort to change is the process, and discovering mutual happiness and fulfillment in relationship with others is the result.
Rabbi Howard Siegel
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