Weekly Newsletter:

January 28, 2026

Sarah is a caregiver for her mother, Charlotte, who has dementia and some complex health issues. Sarah has been her mother’s caregiver for about a year now. Charlotte’s dementia has been worsening lately, and Sarah is spending more time at her mother’s house than usual. She is often late to work and misses spending more time with her family. She says she hasn’t had the time or energy to spend time with her friends or on her hobbies. Recently, Sarah forgot to give her mother her night time medications as she was rushing out the door to get to a work event. Charlotte was unwell for a few days because of the missed dose. Sarah can’t believe she forgot the medications and is blaming herself for not being as on top of her mother’s care as she should be, that her mistake led to her mother being unwell, that maybe if she was more attentive years ago she would've noticed her mother’s decline and gotten her help sooner.

Imagine Sarah was a good friend of yours who just shared this story with you. What would you tell her? What advice would you give? Is she right to blame herself for what happened?

It is often easy as a caregiver to be kinder and gentler to another caregiver than it is to be kind to yourself in these difficult situations. I’m sure many of you would do everything you could to assure Sarah that it is not her fault, that mistakes happen, and that blaming herself and foregoing self-care can only make things worse. We all know the phrase, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”; that you can only help others to the extent you help yourself. So why is it so common for caregivers to blame themselves when things go wrong? Especially when they’re pouring from an empty cup?

Enter into the scene: caregiver guilt. A vicious cycle of self-blame. A bundle of emotions, words, and actions that can convince you to carry the entire weight of caregiving and all that comes with it. A cycle that leaves little room for self compassion and a lot of room for what if’s.

Sarah found herself in this cycle. She blamed herself for not being around enough when her mother started declining, so she stopped spending as much time on self-care and more time caregiving. She blamed herself for forgetting her mother’s medications, an event that was possibly made more likely because she wasn’t caring for herself as much as she needed. The self-blame of that event led to her wondering if she was to blame for the state of her mother’s health in general; a level of self-blame that feels all consuming as you are reminded of it daily when caregiving. This vicious cycle preys on the complex emotions of caregiving and is all too tempting to fall into.

So how do you break this cycle?

The answer is different for everyone, but often ends up being a combination of a few things:

• Reframe your thoughts and experiences as if a close friend was telling you them instead. What would you say? Try to tell yourself your best advice and work towards believing you deserve the same compassion you give to others.
• Accept that mistakes happen and it is impossible to be perfect. Caregiving is a huge list of tasks and things to remember. It’s not easy. Everyone will make mistakes, both big and small. All you can do is your best. Try not to beat yourself up over mistakes as it can possibly lead to making even more.
• Seek out and accept help. Help may look like adding another caregiver to your care receiver’s routine, going to a support group or therapy, asking your care receiver’s doctors for advice, or speaking with a social worker or non-profit (like DayBreak!) for resources. You are not less than for seeking help; admitting you may need help is one of the biggest signs of strength.

And most importantly, never abandon self-care.

We are simply unable to give our best if we aren’t giving ourselves our best chance at taking care of our mind, body, and spirit. Self care is not selfish. It’s hard in caregiving to find time for self-care. Seek creative ways to build self-care into your life and prioritize your self-care the same way you prioritize your care receiver’s care. Find a balance that works for you. If you find yourself in a cycle of self-blame, remind yourself to take your own advice and words of encouragement. You deserve it.

— Jayde Hart

MCC Program Coordinator at DayBreak

We’re excited to welcome Chinasa to our team!

A proud Oakland native, Chinasa is a Rapid Response Case Manager who provides timely compassionate support to older adults that experience crisis. With over five years of experience in case management especially in reentry services for formerly incarcerated people she brings a trauma informed approach to service delivery. She is deeply committed to supporting individuals during moments of transition and helping clients build pathways of stability. Chinasa holds a B.A in Criminal Justice and Criminology from Sonoma State University.

• Fun fact: In her free time she loves to workout, travel, and read dystopian fiction novels. 

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If you know an elder in need of our care and coordination services, or a caregiver seeking support, please encourage them to reach out to us at: 

510-834-8314