My thirteen-year-old has a skincare routine that is quite complex. It involves toner and lotions and moisturizers and other products that I cannot pronounce. 

“Do you know why my generation is so obsessed with skincare?” she asked me once. “It’s because my generation sees how your generation has aged.”

Once I got over the sting of a teenage daughter’s honesty, I started to think about my interests when I was her age. It feels especially poignant when I read the stories about 10-year-olds swarming Sephora for skincare products; when I was 10, I was still playing with Barbie dolls, not debating the merits of different serums.

So much of the skincare obsession with our children originated in social media, which makes complete sense when thinking about this generation. Those in Gen Alpha, defined as those born between 2010 and 2024 (which includes nearly all of the students at Pressman Academy), were basically born with an iPad in hand. They have been exposed to social media since they were babies, and surveys indicate that more than 50% of children between the ages 6 and 16 want to buy a product used by an online content creator or influencer. Even those who don’t have Instagram, TikTok or SnapChat accounts are still influenced by these forces – because if they don’t have it, their friends do or they see it at home or the trends become part of their world, in the same way that Cabbage Patch Kids and Trapper Keepers did for us who grew up in the 80s.

As a parent I experience, and as an educator I witness other parents experiencing, a deep dilemma around these social media trends. On the one hand, we have our own values and expectations for our children. We might not want them spending money on Drunk Elephant skincare products or playing Fortnite. We might want to shield them from the impacts of social media, which can include an increased risk for depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Or we want to limit screen time and instead encourage them to ride their bikes outside, communicate with friends in person, and replicate a childhood experience similar to our own.

On the other hand, we want our children to feel like they belong and are included with their peers, and we fear that they may be missing out on the conversations or group experiences from their class or that they may feel “othered” because they don’t have the same clothes, video games, or skincare products as everyone else. As one parent shared with me, “everyone on her basketball team had SnapChat, and she was missing out on practice time changes and team celebration information because she isn’t on Snap.”

So if we are a parent who cares deeply about the mental health impacts of social media and SmartPhones, but we also care deeply about the mental health impact of feeling included or excluded, how do we navigate this tension? Is it worse to give them social media, with all of its harmful effects, or is it worse to feel left out?

While each family has to navigate these questions on their own, there are some guiding questions that can help direct families in making these decisions:

• What is my north star? What values are most important to our family? There is no right answer. For some people, it is most important that their child can stay in contact with family who live far away, and a SmartPhone will allow them to do so. For others, keeping their children as sheltered as possible, for as long as possible, is essential, and banning any form of social media will be most impactful. Yet others might prioritize social inclusion and wanting to ensure that their children are not left out of plans, conversations or group bonding. And there are still many other values that might guide your family – ultimately, knowing your most important priority will help guide your decision making in thinking about technology and social media. 

• Who is my village? What support do I have so I am not parenting alone? You have all heard me say that the gift of a Pressman education is that you are not parenting alone. Once you decide your north star, consider who can support you and your child and your family. Earlier this year we shared Pressman Social Media Guidelines, which were created with our parents’ input, to strengthen that village. With this tool, you can reach out to those parents in your class, in your child's circle of friends, or in your grade level to plan together what you might allow or not. Ultimately you can enlist this village to co-parent with you, either to mutually hold children accountable to your expectations and/or to find other parents to join you, so when your child complains they are “the only one” without a phone you don't feel so alone. 

• What is the education needed to support our decision? And finally, while you should know your guiding values, so should your children. How can you educate your children on these decisions, whether it is sharing reasons for banning social media or providing an agreement for how the technology will be used to meet your expectations for your child. We don’t hand children the keys to the car at 16 and let them ride off without a lesson or guidance, nor should we do this with technology. How will you train them, guide them and support them to use this tool for good? Because the most important thing we can do is to invest in the relationship with our children; we can use this challenge to become closer to our children through our conversations about values and dilemmas and aspirations.  

Ultimately, we need to give ourselves grace that we are not going to find that perfect balance all of the time. If we are truly grappling with this balance, there will be times we compromise, and there will be times when our kids are upset by the lines that we hold. But I do think that so long as we stay in the grappling, and we do so with our values firmly in the center, we can provide our children with the kinds of childhoods they deserve – ones that protect their mental health, that give them authentic social connections, that provide a bubble of innocence, that keep them rooted in the values we hold dear. And if we can find that balance, a complex skin care routine doesn’t seem too terrible either.\=