|
Slim Boys and Girls,
Happy New Year.
Here it is.
The long-awaited, much-heralded, most anticipated list of 2025...
The Best of the Worst Slim Man Jokes.
Followed by the Pretty Bad Rib Ticklers of 2024. And Some Slim Stinkers from 2023.
I apologize in advance...
2025
Every New Year's Eve at midnight, I drink a glass of champagne while standing on my left leg.
That way when the clock strikes 12, I can start the New Year off on the right foot.
***********
For Christmas, I put a map on the kitchen wall, gave my sweetheart a dart, and told her we would vacation wherever she threw it.
Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
***********
I gave my sweetheart a prosthetic leg for Christmas.
It's not her main gift.
It's just a stocking stuffer.
***********
I was walking down the street when a cable guy drove by and asked me what time it was.
I told him, "It's between noon and 4."
***********
I attended a Cannibal wedding last week.
Things went well until they decided to toast the bride and groom.
***********
I now identify as a donkey.
My pronouns are he/haw.
***********
I was shopping for walkers with my Grandma and asked her which walker she preferred.
She said, "Johnnie."
***********
I was at the airport when TSA pulled me over and asked me if I witnessed anything unusual.
I thought for a second and whispered..."I just paid $26 for a slice of pizza and a bottle of water. Let's start there!"
***********
Somebody gave me a new suit made entirely of living plants.
I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me.
***********
I'm going to the bank today and if all goes well, I'll be completely out of debt.
I'm so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!
***********
I went to a faith healer and asked them to pray for my hearing.
They put their hands on my ears, prayed, chanted incantations and then asked me how my hearing was.
I told them I didn't know.
It's not until next Tuesday!
***********
I once had a job as a mannequin at Macy's.
I held that position for a long time.
***********
When I invented a boomerang made of teeth, I thought it was a good idea.
I should have known it would come back to bite me.
***********
I started a food truck at Slim's Shady Trailer Park that sells wings.
It's taking off.
***********
I just won the award for World's Most Secretive Person.
I can't tell you how much it meant to me.
***********
I was getting romantic with a woman on her couch when she said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "OK, you grab one end, I'll grab the other."
***********
I did a Slim Show at a petting zoo recently.
I had them eating out of my hand.
***********
If Elvis were to suddenly come back to life today, what would he be doing?
Probably banging on the lid of his coffin.
***********
I met a woman last week who could not stop singing Christmas songs.
Her name was Carolyn.
2024
My sweetheart was cooking me dinner for Valentine's Day and asked for some peace and quiet.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
***********
The key to having a smoking hot body in old age?
Cremation.
***********
I'm writing a new book about drinking beer.
I'm on my 4th draft.
***********
I bought some golf balls at the airport, put them in my pants pocket and got on a plane.
A woman sat next to me and kept staring at my bulging pockets.
I looked at her and explained, "Golf balls."
She thought for a second and said...
"Is that anything like tennis elbow?"
***********
My friend has an excellent nose for wine.
It's shaped like a corkscrew.
***********
I told my niece she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
***********
After winning a really big game, I threw the ball into the stands, just like they do on TV.
Apparently, that's not acceptable in bowling.
***********
When I asked my local gym if they could teach me gymnastics, they asked me how flexible I was.
I told them, "I'm free most Mondays and Tuesdays."
***********
It used to be taboo to discuss plastic surgery or cosmetic procedures.
But these days, if you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
***********
I went to a psychiatrist, she told me I had a split personality, then charged me $150.
I gave her $75 and told her to get the rest from the other guy.
***********
I went to a football-themed costume party dressed as a windmill.
My partner asked me what I was supposed to be.
I said, "I'm a big fan."
***********
I've created a kinder, gentler superhero.
Aluminum Man.
Kinda like Iron Man, but instead of killing the bad guys, he just...foils their plans.
***********
I just spent my whole paycheck on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
***********
2023 and before...
If you're ever accosted in a deli, it's possible to stab that person with a piece of cheddar cheese.
But only if it's extra sharp.
***********
I found a place where I can get gas for $1.99.
Taco Bell.
***********
The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady GaGa are coming out with a new children's CD.
It's called GooGooGaGa.
***********
I called the incontinence hotline yesterday.
They asked me if I could hold for a couple minutes.
***********
An 18-wheeler got caught in a hurricane here in Palm Springs, rolled over, and spilled its cargo of wigs and hairpieces.
Police are combing the area.
***********
Happy birthday to Frank Zamboni, the guy who invented the machine that cleans skating rinks.
Even though he's been dead for years, his name still resurfaces.
***********
I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't too happy having to look at me naked, but the front of the house looks great!
***********
Someone broke into Slim's Shady Trailer Park and stole all the coffee cups.
Now I gotta go to the police station and look at mug shots.
***********
I went on a date with a woman who said she was attracted to men with power.
I told her I just paid my electric bill.
***********
I went to Dick’s Halfway Inn and sat next to a guy with a squirrel monkey on his shoulder.
The bartender brought me a beer and asked if I’d sing a song, so I went to the piano and started playing.
That’s when the guy’s monkey dipped his butt in my glass of suds.
The bartender came over and asked, “Do you know the monkey’s nuts are in your beer?”
I said, “No…”
“But if you hum a few bars, I’m sure I could fake it!”
***********
My roommate asked me to move out because of my incessant puns about South American farm animals.
I said, "Alpaca my bags."
***********
I was in the airport at baggage claim today when a man suddenly collapsed on the luggage carousel...
But he slowly came around.
***********
Italian airline Alitalia went bankrupt and General Motors stepped in and bought the company.
The new airline will be called...
Genitalia.
***********
I was at the beach and limped into an ice cream store leaning on my cane.
I ordered an ice cream cone and the guy asked me, “Crushed nuts?”
I replied, “No, broken leg.”
***********
I got a call from a director who asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming movie about Julius Caesar.
I told him I'd take a stab at it.
***********
My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet to get him checked out.
No word yet.
***********
My great-aunt just turned 92 and doesn't even use glasses.
That's right.
She drinks straight out of the bottle.
************
A woman stood before a judge, accused of hitting her boyfriend with a guitar.
The judge asked, “First offender?”
She said, “No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender.”
***********
I have a pet squirrel who loves watching TV.
His favorite channel is Nutflix.
***********
I finally found out where Extra Virgin olive oil comes from.
It comes from the Extra Virgin Islands.
***********
My mother once told me, never marry a tennis player.
Because love means nothing to them.
***********
I went into the doctor's office and said, "Doc! I can't remember what I did last week. I can't remember what I did yesterday. I can't even remember what I did an hour ago!"
The doc asked me, "How long have you had this problem?"
I said, "What problem?"
***********
I was walking down the street with my friend. We saw a dog laying on the sidewalk, licking himself.
My friend said, "I'd love to be able to do that."
I said, "You might have to pet him first. He looks a little mean."
***********
A man is speeding down the highway. In the back of his car, he has a bunch of penguins.
A cop pulls him over, looks inside the car, and says, "Slow down! And take those penguins to the zoo! I'm warning you!"
The next day, the guy speeds down the same highway with the penguins in the back of the car.
This time they all have sunglasses on.
The same cop pulls him over. He says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
The guy says, "I did! And today we're going to the beach!"
***********
I went to my doctor and told her, "I can't stop singing "What's New Pussycat"! What's wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You have Tom Jones Syndrome."
I asked her if it was common.
She said, "It's not unusual."
***********
Two hunters are in the woods. One of them collapses, passes out cold.
The other guy panics and calls 911. He screams, "I think my friend is dead!"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. Let's make sure he's dead."
There's a silence, and then a gunshot.
Then the guy says, "OK. Now what?"
***********
That's it.
The Best of the Worst.
Groaners and moaners from Mr. Man.
Keep smiling, Slim People.
And keep in touch.
Happy New Year!
It's all about love.
Who loves ya?
Uncle Slimmy
PS: Here's a YouTube video of my recipe for my Italian chicken pot pie. Except I didn't use Italian chicken.
I had some leftover ham so I used that instead.
It was an American ham. Not an Italian ham--like me!
Delizioso! She's a-so nice!
Click Here to See the Video
| 
