October 8th, 2024

Sometimes, the Answers are Simple

In thinking about what we can do to impact the youth mental health crisis, I decided to try offering a once-month newsletter to schools that shares research pertinent to youth and news of local free or low-fee events, programs, and workshops. This newsletter would build on what school support staff, administrators, and PTAs are already doing to make a real impact.

My first "simple" answer to share is regarding how many young people are struggling profoundly with anxiety, school failure, and school avoidance, as well as more extreme psychiatric symptoms. It has to do with the dramatic increase in the availability and use of high potency Cannabis to young people combined with the real impact of a screen-based childhood. More importantly, though (in my opinion) is the reluctance to or lack of skill parents may have in setting real and firm limits on these behaviors. Tweens and teens need and sometimes consciously want limits on their behaviors (although their tendency towards intense emotions might hide this fact). Teens feel better knowing what their parents expect and how to please them. Parents feel better as well!

The variables of cannabis and substance use and screen overuse are independent of each other and seem to cluster in some students. In the essays below, I share more on both, including the "how to" for parents to set and maintain limits on sleep and respectful speech. The percentage of students that are experiencing mental health issues and most importantly displaying a lack of internal resources a (what we describe as resilience) is staggering. There is hope for real change in the present; however, parents and school personnel must work together to make a difference. Schools are not responsible for the decline in resilience or the solutions; however, they are experiencing a real and practical impact. This is why many professionals aim to help offer help and answers/ support to schools. The problem is too significant for any group to bear or address alone. We must respond as a community.

At Insight Counseling we find parents become easily intimidated by their child's first response to firm and reasonable limits, and they often quickly buckle and back down. If their tween or teen has what I call "a brat attack" and says things like "I'll have no friends if I'm not on my phone past 10 pm!" etc., parents actually consider this as possibly true. This causes a cycle of arguing, anger, and sometimes a powerful "reward" for unhealthy behavior through intermittent reinforcement. If parents hold a limit 10 or 20 times in a row but "give in" on their child's 11th or 21st attempt to get their way, the intermittent "reward" of pushing and acting out behaviors is all the tween/teen remembers. The tween or teen brain is now more wired towards pushback. See how the cycle manifests?

These simple points can be taught to parents in a way that creates a more team impact on school and home alignment. Tweens and teens need to know where they and their demands 'end' and other people 'begin,' parents and caregivers are the keys to this process. As I often quip, "If your teenager isn't mad at you at least a few times a week, you may not be doing your job'"

To help support schools and community-based groups, I am sharing short essays each month that can be re-shared without permission.

Please email me with any questions or requests for more information or resources to help build school, parent, and community resilience.

Fondly, Liz Jorgensen

The following are popular newsletter essays that you may share directly with parents to help reinforce a message of empowerment and support.

Parents: Limits are Love. You Have Permission to Set and Maintain Them with Your Child

by Liz Jorgensen

I have a short and focused share this month based on my observation at the office and in life at large: Parents seem to have severely "overcorrected" from the no-negotiating, firm, and controlling discipline of decades ago to sometimes "overvalidating" and vacillating on basic expectations for kindness, safety, and honesty.

Loving parents sometimes allow children, tweens, teens (and young adults) to run over their and others' physical and emotional boundaries in the name of connection and validation, feeling their relationship will suffer if they do not reason out every decision and have their kid "OK" with it.

This approach can only lead to further deterioration of kids' behavior and an INCREASE in anxiety and depression. Sane boundaries feel safe to tweens and teens, and even though they may sometimes act as if having all the power over their parents is what they want, most teens feel very uneasy when the reigns are given to them. They want and need limits to keep their developing, emotionally driven brains from destroying them. Parents need a plan of boundaries and limits in advance and to hold firm if and when their child pushes back on them or breaks them. That's how to raise good humans who cause minimal pain and suffering to others (most of the time).

While it's true that validatiing your child's "big" feelings of anger, fear, and sadness is very important to their emotional development, we all also benefit from containment of these emotions sometimes and learning ways to manage our emotions so that we do not hurt others, dump too much, destroy privacy, property or feelings of safety for others. And yes, parents, that includes YOU! You do not deserve to be cursed out, threatened, or maligned for setting and maintaining limits. My best advice is to set limits, calmly enforce them, and walk away if your child erupts into teen limbic system meltdowns. Temper tantrums only continue with a willing audience. It works like magic; the minute you stop negotiating and walk away from a tween/teen, the clear message is, "That's the end; you have to sit with your frustration with what you have done and the consequences, and it will be ok."

Many teens we treat successfully at Insight Counseling are screaming for parental boundaries. Many well-meaning parents fear damaging or hurting children by sticking to common sense. "No, that's not a good idea," or "No. You can't sleep over at your boyfriend's house" (at age 14), etc." Don't forget, teens may use guilt-inducing hystrionics to "get their way" sometimes, and parents will not cause harm when they stick to safety and house rules. Even when a teen has serious mental health issues, they require rules, boundaries, and especially learning how their emotional dysregulation can hurt others. So, in short, we can validate their emotions AND maintain the rule or request.

Of course, we may all have moments of emotional dysregulation. When we overreact, we can sincerely apologize to our child for snapping, yelling, or saying things unkindly. When we have strayed from our best selves, we can own our overreaction with a sincere, "I should not have used those words, tone, overreacted, etc." We are then teaching our children that when we emotionally dump on others, we owe them an apology.

Next month, I'll share more tips on setting sane limits on common behaviors and expectations. As the summer winds down, a suggestion is to work with your partner on the' back-to-school' routine boundaries and expectations and start to share them now (like bedtimes, wake-up times, technology rules, etc.). You can make a real impact on family life by practicing the power of loving limits.

Good luck- and stay firm and calm! Liz

Limits are Love: Part Two

Some Tips on How to Set Effective Limits That Help Kids Develop Frustration Tolerance

By Liz Jorgensen

If there was one skill that could propel your child to personal and professional success, one skill that predicts better relationships, higher satisfaction in school and work, and better self-esteem overall, most parents would want to focus on building this skill every day if possible.

Research shows that the quality of "grit" or frustration tolerance and the ability to persevere is that super skill. At the beginning of my fourth decade of counseling, I am very concerned to see parenting trends veering away from helping children and teens develop the ability to accept delays, obstacles, disappointments, and challenges as a vital part of life (and I might argue the greater part of adult life) and ever closer to a "bubble wrapped" protected life. A 'curated' childhood, where conflicts and frustrations are either absorbed by parents and 'fixed,' or parents excuse their child's mistakes, unkindness, or wrong actions so they never have to self-correct and learn, is damaging to kids and our collective lives. Why? Because all humans screw up, actually we mess up quite often as adults but very frequently as kids and teens. It's just a fact; mess-ups are the best chance we have as parents to teach and guide lovingly and firmly the development of caring, thoughtful humans with grit.

Parents may consciously (or unconsciously) absorb too many of a child's natural consequences and challenges for fear that they are too fragile or unable to "handle" what life gives them. However, this over-fixing causes self-doubt, lower self-esteem, and even anxiety to form. "I guess my parents don't think I am smart (strong, mature, etc) enough to change my situation" is the unintended consequence many teens live with when parents over-correct their errors.

Building on last month's post, I want to discuss how setting and maintaining reasonable limits with children naturally builds their grit and helps them accept frustration on the path to developing into the good humans that they will become.

This month, I want to help with the four top issues of behavioral "excess" we hear at Insight Counseling: screen overuse, sleep hygiene, respectful language/ behavior, and truthfulness toward parents/ caregivers.

All families must have boundaries and rules about screen use, including smartphone access, apps, online access, and rules about the use of screens in a child's bedroom at night (this is related directly to the next point of sleep hygiene).

It is reasonable for parents to have either remote settings from their phone carrier that turn off at certain times or only allow so many hours of social media or phone access per day. If you have permitted unrestricted use, you will likely face some pushback (or even a teen temper tantrum or two) as you implement new rules and guidelines. My recommendation based on the American Academy of Pediatrics for middle and high school kids is that phones shut down an hour before the expected 'lights out' bedtime and that as long as kids are being responsible with school work and other activities, then a two-hour window of screen-free time a day is a good rule. Parents should participate in this as well!

Sleep is the absolute key to your child's mental, physical, and learning health. Tweens and teens need eight to ten hours per night, and parents must help them with limits on in-room screens and a consistent bedtime. Again, you may introduce this as an important health measure, and your child may object, but together, you can create a few small rituals and ways to connect around bedtime to avoid power struggles. So many teens' depression is improved immediately when they have enough regular sleep.

The last two issues I have lumped together as they tend to be "blended" within many teen/ parent conflicts, disrespectful language, behaviors, and dishonesty. You may be shocked to hear that occasional lying to parents and caregivers is, in fact, a normal behavior in tweens and teens, especially when lying is related to gaining or keeping social connections and keeping privileges. The best way to encourage respectful speech is to speak respectfully and try as hard as possible not to "take the bait" when our kids unleash upset and hurtful words. "You are the meanest mother in the world!" "All my friends think you are psycho!" "Dad, you have ruined my life!" these are a few of the top retorts our own kids used with us, in pain, anger, and attempts to get us to back down on safety rules or social privileges. Of course, I was not always calm, but mostly, I would reply, "That may be true, and I know you are mad; in any event, you can't go to an unsupervised party even if the whole school is there." I personally believe parents should respond to tirades in a firm and calm manner and then get out of the way before things get too hot. Usually, teens will calm down independently, but very strong-willed and frustrated kids may keep coming back, begging, pleading, crying, guilting, etc. Here comes the opportunity for full-throttle frustration tolerance boot camp. Amid your tween/teens' biggest temper tantrums, you are able to teach them frustration control masterfully but simply NOT GIVING IN and staying calm.

If a child shocks you by saying something mean, cruel, or rude, just walk away and text them or talk to them later with something like "Not OK, inappropriate." No lectures are needed, and they will be a weaker intervention than the short and sweet "You know that is not cool. I'm choosing to ignore this as long as you don't repeat it." I would usually find a way to positively connect with my kids later on as if they didn't utter a stupid, mean, impulsive thing. Sometimes, they would spontaneously apologize or show some primate a sign of submission like a shoulder "bump," in any event, as parents, we teach frustration tolerance AND empower our kids by letting them know we believe they are absolutely capable of better behavior and allowing them a little grace when they act out. This is important because teens have a real developmental challenge when managing their intense emotions. Sometimes, our own egos and need to hear "I'm sorry" or giving a full-blown lecture ruins the opportunity for real learning, and our kids feel a tad guilty when they are rude. The key here is not to overreact neither nor completely ignore a teen's nastiness. In holding this middle path your child will grow and feel guilty about how they treated you.  as it helps us build our conscience and frustration tolerance so that one day, just like us, they may think about very mean words and be able to hold them in.

These suggestions are a challenge, and I realize that implementing new sleep and screen rules will be quite difficult if you have previously had no rules or rules that were not enforced. Consistency and grit of your own are key to making changes that can really help your child develop in ways that are life changing.