Suggestions for the Griever and Supporter

griefHaven Journey Newsletter

Grief and the Holidays

Things are very different this year.

So many have lost their lives.

We can't celebrate in our usual ways.

We can do many things to make it meaningful.

Here's suggestions for the holidays for those

who are grieving and those who support them.

Handling Grief on Holidays

and Special Occasions

For many people, grief at the holidays is an oxymoron. Holidays are supposed to be happy, fun, joyful, overflowing with bonds of love. Grief casts a painful, somber, dark shadow over the holidays, shrouding the happy memories of past celebrations.

We grieve because we loved. We formed an intense bond to another person. We became vulnerable, letting the other person deep into our life in intimate ways. Deep bonds and connections, once the glue that held our life together, have now been broken by death. We yearn to have our loved one close to us again.

We grieve not only for the person who died but for the life we lived with that person. We grieve over the loss of someone who functioned in important ways in our life, who was a companion, who shared the same living space. We remember hugging each other, taking walks or eating meals together, and sharing rich holiday traditions. Now, that part of who you were together is gone. Your own identity is changing. Holidays are special times of the year when we are drawn to remember those significant people who have died, even if the death occurred many years ago and the memories are pleasant and no longer filled with pain.

Holidays seem to intensify the pain and add another layer to one’s grief. The holidays typically fall short of what they are imagined to be. Death has removed a significant person from your life, whether it was a child, spouse, sibling, parent, grandparent, grandchild, partner, friend or other. Anyone with whom we shared a meaningful relationship and who dies leaves us feeling as if he or she just vanished like the morning mist. That is why often, when in the middle of what is supposed to be a celebration, you are reminded how closely attached you were to your deceased loved one. Memories of other important people who have preceded you in death may also flood over you.

A holiday celebration makes you face the reality of death all the more directly. It may be difficult to say the words dead or died. They refuse to be shaped by your tongue. Yet in the middle of the traditions of food, family, and friends—and all the activities associated with holidays and other special days—you have an empty chair, a place once filled by that special person, and a reminder of the loss.

UPCOMING HOLIDAY SUGGESTIONS

For the Griever

Take care of yourself physically. Never before have these words been so important. Protect yourself by following the guidelines to keep you and your loved ones safe while together. Because the holidays can be physically draining, especially if this is your first or second experience with a holiday since the death of your loved one, respect your mind and your body. Failing to take care of yourself physically will only add to your fatigue and frustration.
A new take on shopping. If you have to shop, and it either seems like a daunting task or you don't want to be anywhere near stores, shop online. You may also ship items to a loved one if you are not spending the holidays together. If you simply cannot shop at all, that's okay. Let others know that you will not be exchanging gifts this year. Another possibility is to have your family members make an agreement that no one will exchange gifts this year. Make these special days about something other than exchanging gifts.
Your role. Think back to how you celebrated the holidays. What was your role in the celebration? How might that be different now that your loved one has died or that you aren't able to be together? Begin to consider how you might want to handle your traditional ways of celebrating this day following his or her death.
Children. No matter the age, children are grieving too, and the holidays are also difficult for them. Listen to what is important to them, and then see if you can incorporate their hopes or wishes into the holidays without completely giving up what you need. You can also break the day up into smaller segments of various types of events, such as opening presents at home as a family, a visit to the cemetery as a family, dinner with relatives (if it's safe to do so), and then home early where you share memories of your loved one, work on a puzzle, or watch a movie.
Perspective. Death puts things into perspective. Since the death of your beloved, many of the routine things that you used to care about may now mean almost nothing at all. Some of the festivities and all of the hubbub might seem utterly ridiculous. Reassure yourself that eventually you can come to a new and deeper understanding of each special day and how you will handle it.
Connect. Find a way to see and hear your other friends and families. There are many platforms out there today, such as Zoom and Facebook. Research shows that this season people are more in need of physical connection than ever before.
Ahead of Time. Talk with others about the reality that your loved one has died and that therefore your life (and your celebrations) will feel and be different.
Invitations. If you accept a holiday invitation to someone’s home, give yourself some leeway. Be up front with them when you accept the invitation, letting them know that you will try to participate, but that you may well excuse yourself at some point. We suggest that you not host an event during the first year after a death. As a guest, you can leave when you want to or even cancel at the last minute. As a backup plan, you might also wish to consider making alternative plans that may feel more comfortable.
Expectations. Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself. You do not have to celebrate the holidays in exactly the same way you did before. Plan your day, keeping it simple. Allow yourself time to face the hard reality of your loved one’s death (in a manageable dose) if you think you can do so this year. For some of you, celebrating the holiday according to family tradition may be a comforting coping strategy. If it is not, take a break this year.
Talk About Them. Talk about your loved one. Tell a favorite story, give a toast, write a poem, play their favorite song, or make a favorite food. Such an act will help you express the importance of them, and then perhaps you and other family members will be able to appreciate the holidays with an even deeper and more meaningful significance.
Letter. Write a letter to your loved one, recalling several memories you have of the holidays in which this person played an important part. In that letter, write about such things as:
When I think of this holiday without you, I feel …
The thing I miss most on this holiday without you is …
Or just tell them what is going on in life.
Photos. Using photos, make a picture book of holidays past and sit together as a family remembering and sharing.
Memorabilia. Go through cards, letters, pictures and other personal memorabilia associated with your relationship with your loved one. Re-live the occasions as you review the mementos.
Share Memories. Ask your friends and family to write down their memories of your loved one and share them via email or while you are together. Then you can collect them in a keepsake book.
Holidays Past. Remember the reasons that you enjoyed the holidays in the past, other than the fact that your loved one was there, and see if any of those help give you a renewed view of the day, even if for just a few moments.
Plan Ahead. Make a plan regarding how you will get through the day and with whom you will spend it. Try to spend time with other “like” hearts and people who are compassionate and understanding of your needs. There is a decided advantage in thinking ahead about what you want the day to include and with whom you want to spend it.
Bring Memento. Bring some type of memento with you wherever you go, whether it is a photo of your loved one, a candle with their picture, or something that reminds you of them. Let others know ahead of time that you will be bringing something. This will help you honor them throughout the day and incorporate their presence in the family events.
Reach Out. Do something for someone else, such as bake cookies and leave them on a front door step (sanitized, of course). Research shows that doing something for someone else will help you tremendously.
Photo Display. If you are visiting someone else’s home, ask that person to display a photo or some other memorabilia of your loved one so they are included in the holiday. If you aren’t comfortable doing that, bring your own, as stated above.
Grief Group. If you are in a grief group, discuss your concerns and possibilities in group. Don’t hesitate to meet with a grief professional to assist you in deciding what to do. Trained grief professionals can help you articulate your feelings, fears, hopes, losses, and concerns. When those are expressed, you will be better able to figure out what you can and can’t handle.
Rethink the Holidays. If you find yourself dreading spending time with people who won’t talk about your loved one, who carry on as if everything is the same, who ignore your requests for simple things, such as to say their name, and who seem to avoid and ignore the fact that this day is one that is difficult and requires some greater sensitivity and understanding, then you might need to rethink how you will spend this holiday season. Maybe it’s time to take a break and do something different. If you haven’t told others what you would like for the holidays, then do. No one is a mind reader, and what is comforting to you might not occur to someone else.
New Normal. Your holidays were once wrapped in love and family closeness as you celebrated together. With the death of a family member, others may try to “cling” to old family traditions, even though this may cause you much pain. Everyone needs to try and accept that nothing will ever be the old “normal,” whatever that may have been for you. If everyone can join together, then you can create new family traditions without leaving anyone out.
Share This Article. Show your family and friends this article so they will have a greater understanding of how the holidays can be made easier for everyone.
No Have-To's. Remind yourself throughout the last two months of each year that there are no “have-to's.” Your heart has been broken, your life has forever been changed, and you are simply attempting to find what will and won’t work for you as you rebuild your life without your loved one. Everyone grieves differently and so needs different types of support.
Be Kind to Yourself. Be gentle and tender with yourself. Seek out the softest place to land so that you are in a position to honor your loved one while also creating new traditions. Hopefully, one day, instead of dreading the holidays, you will actually look forward to spending them exactly as you have planned, for they will be holidays filled with the true meaning of the holiday spirit.

A portion taken from The Empty Chair, by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, RN, Ed.D.

and Robert C. DeVries, D.Min., Ph.D.

For You, the Supporter

What Can You Say? What Can You Do?

Ask the person ahead of time if there is something they would like, such as a photo of their loved one out during the day, mentioning them in conversation, etc.
Ask the person if they would like you to let other guests know ahead of time that they are grieving and (a) that they would love to talk about their loved one; or (b) that they would prefer not to be asked anything about it.
Give them your blessing if they decide not to attend any gatherings you might have. Don't worry. Eventually, they will be able to be with you again.
If you are open to it, think about going somewhere else to celebrate the holidays, such as a restaurant or even out of town. Many families do this, and it works well.
Avoid going silent when they bring up the name of their loved one or tell a story. Join right in to the conversation no differently than you would have if the person were still alive.
Remember that death ends a life, but never a relationship. The person will always carry their loved one with them wherever they go and will always want to keep his or her memory alive.
Make it okay for the person to cry. It's healthy and normal to cry, especially when surrounded by others whose families are intact and their loved one is glaringly missing. You can give a little compassion, too, like hand her a Kleenex or give him a hug.
Say things like, "I'm sorry you are feeling so sad today." or "I can't imagine how you must be feeling." or "I miss him too." Avoid saying things like, "It's okay, don't cry" or "He wouldn't want you to be sad." Definitely do not try and change the subject if someone has a cry during the day, hoping that to skirt the issue might make it all go away. You only make the person feel worse and that they should avoid being with family in the future because it's too hard for you. Right now, it's your love and compassion they need until they get to a point where they are stronger. It's a long journey they are on.
Allow yourself to show the griever that you love them and are okay with however they might act or express their sadness. Over time, all of that will change and the person will begin to feel joy and express happiness when you gather together.
Don't be surprised if the person needs to leave periodically throughout the day. Make it okay. It's not personal.
Don't be surprised if the person needs to leave. Period. Make it okay. It's not personal.
Think of something special you can do for the person's loved one in memory of that loved one. Perhaps if you say a blessing you will include his name with the others who have also died.
Create something unique and meaningful that everyone can join in together.
Music can be painful when grieving. Be sensitive to the words of songs you play or ask if the person is okay.
Not talking about a person's loved one is one of the worst things of all to those who are grieving. They feel as if the person is being forgotten. Incorporating everyone's grief over the person who died and including that person's life as part of the holidays will make the grieving person feel loved, understood, and safe. You will end up being the one who helps them heal as they find their way of creating that "new normal."
Remember that losing a significant loved one and having to rebuild a new life without him or her is one of life's greatest challenges. We hope you will be a part of the healing journey that they so desperately need.
Remember that the holidays for someone who is grieving may be changed forever, but that doesn't mean they won't be wonderful--just different.

Grief is a life challenging experience that can take years until the new balance of life is found again. It comes in waves and often blindsides the griever. So thanks to all of you who care and who took the time to read this list of suggestions.

May you have a

Peace-of-Heart holiday

with moments of laughter and joy sprinkled in!

Just for Laughs

Because we all need a chuckle right now. Here's one we can all relate to.

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