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In a bold and visionary move, South Australia has taken a decisive stand against knife crime… in a neighboring state. The solution? Ban swords. Naturally.
Because when your neighbor’s house is on fire, the first thing you do is flood your own. It’s called proactive governance, people.
But why stop at swords? The United Kingdom, ever the trendsetter in public safety theater, has already shown us the way. Faced with a tidal wave of kitchen knife crime, they bravely outlawed decorative swords, antique blades, and anything vaguely pointy that might offend the King's corgis (or Jabberwockies, or whatever he keeps as pets).
And yet—shockingly—knife crime persists. Almost as if criminals don’t follow laws.
Curious.
So let’s take it to the logical conclusion. If the problem is people using weapons, and weapons are just objects wielded by hands… then clearly, the hands are the problem.
The Hand Ban Act (HBA): A Modest Proposal
Imagine a world where no one can:
- Wield a sword
- Brandish a knife
- Throw a punch
- Fire a gun
- Drive a car into a crowd
- Or even (gasp) write a strongly worded letter!!!
Without hands, we eliminate 99.9% of violent crime. (The remaining 0.1% will be handled by banning feet next quarter.)
Of course, there will be critics. “But how will people eat?” they’ll whine. “How will they work?” “What about basic human dignity?” To which we say: safety first. Besides, with AI and robotics on the rise, who needs hands when you can have a government-issued feeding tube and a state-sponsored TikTok implant?
Pre-Crime is So Last Season. Welcome to Pre-Limbination!
Why wait for someone to commit a crime when you can prevent the possibility of crime by removing the tools of potential violence? It’s not dystopian—it’s visionary. And if you disagree, well… we’ll be confiscating your hands for dissent.
Official World Government FAQ: The Hand Ban Act (HBA)
“Because freedom is dangerous.”
Q: Why are we banning hands?
A: Studies show that 100% of violent crimes are committed by people with hands. Coincidence? We think not.
Q: But I’ve never committed a crime. Why should I lose my hands?
A: That’s exactly what a future criminal would say. The HBA is a preemptive strike against your potential.
Q: Can I keep one hand for non-violent tasks like gardening or petting my cat?
A: No. Cats are statistically more dangerous than swords. Also, gardening tools are sharp. Nice try.
Q: What about prosthetics?
A: Prosthetics will be allowed, but only if they are government-issued foam paddles with no opposable thumbs. Safety first!!
Q: How will I work, eat, or live?
A: You will adapt. Or you won’t. Either way, crime rates will drop.
Q: Isn’t this a gross violation of civil liberties?
A: We prefer the term “civic enhancement.” Also, questioning the HBA is a Class 3 offense. Please report to your nearest Compliance Center.
Q: What if criminals just use their feet?
A: Phase Two of the HBA will address this. Stay tuned for the Lower Limb Liberation Act (LLLA).
Q: Is this satire?
A: Only if you still have the hands to write it.
Want to add a “How to Surrender Your Hands” guide or a mock testimonial from a “grateful citizen”?
Testimonials from Proudly Disarmed Citizens
Real stories. Real compliance. Real progress.
🧓 Mavis T., 67, Former Knitting Enthusiast
“At first I was skeptical. I mean, I loved knitting sweaters for my grandchildren. But then I realized—yarn can strangle. Now I just hum softly and stare at the wall. It’s so peaceful. Thank you, HBA!”
👨💼 Darren P., 42, Middle Manager (Now Foot Typist)
“Losing my hands was a small price to pay for the illusion of safety. Sure, emails take longer, but I’ve never felt more morally superior. Plus, I get to wear socks on Zoom calls.”
👩🎓 Kayla R., 19, University Student
“I used to protest government overreach. But now that I can’t hold a sign or type a tweet, I’ve learned to internalize my dissent. It’s very character-building.”
🧑🍳 Chef Antonio B., 54, Michelin-Starred (Retired)
“People said I was crazy to support the Hand Ban. But I say: who needs knives when you’ve got pureed everything? My new restaurant, Slurp, opens next month. No chewing required.”
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