Edition Number Five
Gobble-Gobble Everyone,

Today, I am grateful that I love Thanksgiving. I love the extended break to pause, reflect and have long conversations in cozy sweaters by the fire. I also absolutely love pumpkin anything. But I used to dread the holidays. All of them! For someone who suffered from major anxiety that could manifest in a number of problematic ways, late fall signaled a time of pit-in-my-belly stress. It was an onslaught of expectations and triggers that took years for me to recognize yet alone integrate and heal. In part, this was because I placed so much pressure for holidays to feel “perfect” whilst also attempting to keep it all together and be “perfect” too. Memories of holidays with forced encounters with people I had no love for, some who had genuinely harmed me, and the rampant consumption of everything made me sick.

Then things shifted during my first, magical years in NY where my 20-something self began a mostly “Friendsgiving tradition,” sometimes with my closest friends and sometimes with strangers who I might never see again. I discovered a whole new way to celebrate in a way that worked for me, a way to connect and be a part of something that felt good, a way to feel at home despite being a coast away from my first home. 

By the time I became a mama, I had become a pro-holiday person for sure. I get giddy prepping shopping lists; thinking about the many people I love who I will choose to see over the holidays; and watching my son leap into my mom’s arms when she arrives from LA, undoubtedly, with an entire suitcase of Chinatown treats in tow. But I know these sentiments are not shared by everyone; not for mamas who have to negotiate multiple families, split holidays in a divided household, or are suffering and would rather not celebrate anything at all.

In Edition Five, I focus on bringing a little extra sensitivity to this hypersensitive season with two articles on how to navigate the holidays; gift guides for new mamas and hard-to-shop-for teens; some ideas to treat you; and a feel good podcast narrated by Busy Philipps. Because my goal is to always keep talking about things we need to talk about collectively, I included a piece on the state of the seminal Equal Rights Amendment (I wasn’t aware it’s not even in effect!) as well as an update on mother mortality rates in the U.S. -- an epic fail notwithstanding the truly golden state: Go Cali!

So whether you’re feeling anxious, excited or both about the upcoming holidaze I wish you a day of warmth, love, nourishment in its many forms and many, many blessings. And in other gratitude news: I'm thrilled to announce that TBD Mama's first fireside chat and brunch will be held at Habitas in NYC on Saturday, January 12 and will feature some #realtalk with Dr. Alexandra Sacks, an inspiring TED speaker, reproductive psychiatrist and worldwide expert on Matrescence.

Details to register coming soon!

In gratitude,

Carrie
@tbd_mama
LISTEN: BUSY PHILIPPS READS "HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A 2-YEAR-OLD"

This was so satisfying to listen to. Author Laurie Sandall was 40 years young when she met an older man with a baby, fell in love with both of them, and then had to let them both go. Her poignant essay, “How to Break Up with a 2-Year-Old,” candidly shares about just that, the harrowing process of letting go of a lover and child, an unraveling that ultimately culminated with the author unequivocally deciding she was going to have a baby herself. Alone. But then she’s not alone! And she falls in love again. And this story has a very happy ending.
LA FAMILIA PART ONE: STRATEGIES TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE THIS THANKSGIVING
One person’s beloved tradition can be another’s nightmare trigger. Food, drink, not to mention all kinds of potentially thorny topics ranging from fake news, having kids, a new haircut someone is really opinionated about….etc. There already can be so much pressure to enjoy or host a “perfect” holiday that adding a toxic family member, or three, to the mix is a recipe for disaster. Dr. Shawn Burn suggests five tips on how to navigate a hot familial mess and still enjoy your holiday.
LA FAMILIA PART TWO: HOLIDAY STRATEGIES TO TAKE CARE OF YOU
If you’ve opted in to joining a potentially toxic group celebration then Vogue ( surprisingly!) offers comprehensive ways to to practice “non-violent," i.e. compassionate communication and self-care before you go and at the table. There is a loving way to say no, or no thanks that’s not for me, in order to cast and keep a sacred boundary that works for you that also keeps the peace.
FEMME-INISM: KEY UPDATE ON THE EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT
But, wait, this isn’t already a law? It’s 2018, not 1918, but apparently women are still not protected equally under the Constitution: Yes, that Constitution.  Nearly 50 years ago, Congress passed the Equal Rights Amendment, barring sex discrimination, but 38 states had to ratify it before it could take effect. Thanks to Virginia, The Equal Rights Amendment is about to be ratified as a bipartisan group campaigns to cast this final historic vote. This means questionable state laws like discriminating against pregnant women can be struck down, women can serve in the military without risking a challenge in court, and sexual discrimination laws can be strengthened. It only took 242 years to do this, but it’s a victory to know that daughters, sisters, and mothers will, at least on constitutional paper, be treated equally under the Constitution.
FOR THE HARD TO SHOP FORS:
GIFTS FOR TRICKY TEENS
This elusive species can be a super tough audience. Thankfully, New York's Strategist recruited city teens to create a wish list for themselves that includes a mix of desired "mom" jeans, scrunchies, unisex lipstick - yes, it’s a thing now - and bath bombs that apparently smell like fairies.
FOR NEW MAMAS: SOMETHING FOR THEM AND THEIR NEW MINI
A brief but current list by new mamas for new mamas. For her: Lactation bars, luxe loungewear (so many more options than when I was pregnant), and an ice roller which apparently is your new, next-level jade roller. While I’m not sure who buys foundation for a new mama, if it were Le Mer then I probably wouldn’t mind! For her mini: Consider a better way to build a baby book, a luxe sling, or a functional yet good-looking high chair mat. Oh, the things I wish my pre-mama self had known three years ago.
BUY FOR YOU: WORKING WINTER BOOTS
Now there is winter light gear and then there is winter-is-coming gear. Breaking down and buying a serious pair of boots that can navigate the city sludge, aka “wintry mix,” is a sign of maturity. If my three-year son has weatherproof, waterproof boots despite his being transported primarily via stroller then I can get it together and invest in a pair or two that can stand up to the street juice snow and, dare-I-say, even look presentable.
BUY FOR YOU TOO: TRY A CAMEL COAT
Maybe it’s because I have to think about functional winter boots, or because I’ve been in NY for too long, or because I have dark hair, but I default to black everything come winter -- especially in the jacket department. It’s so interesting what wearing a lighter shade can do to alter my mood; things look clearer, more promising even. I just feel lighter in earth tones. I think they ground and soften me. Also, unlike some colors, camel isn’t a head-to-toe commitment where you need a camel shoe and bag etc. to make it work. So a little bit of camel goes a long way!
WHAT NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT: MATERNAL MORTALITY
It’s unconscionable that the maternal mortality rate in the U.S. has risen a whopping 69% in seven years while the rest of the world has been decreasing the death rate for new moms. The sole exception: California, where it decreased by 59%. While my own son’s birth was harrowing, stressful and not according to “birth plan” at all, I got out alive and with a baby. Too many women can not say the same. But why? We have the resources, science and more mothers go in with an informed birth plan than without. Author Kim Brooks’ Op Ed in the New York Times investigates how and why American women continue to be systemically disempowered at the very moment in their lives when they deserve to feel their most super-powerful.