Dear Temple Sholom Families,

In this challenging moment in our society and our world, the question I keep hearing is, “How do we talk to our kids about rising anti-Semitism?” Talking about anti-Semitism feels overwhelming because, simply put, it is! 

Like any subject that we speak to our kids about, we first have to have those deep conversations within ourselves. We often inadvertently bring our own struggles with a subject into our conversations with our kids. Before we answer our childrens’ questions, we must consider if we are addressing their worries and fears, or our own. 

It is essential to help kids feel safe, even if we feel uncomfortable doing so. Our children hear more than we think, especially those old enough to be on social media. Even if they are not ready to talk with us, bringing up the issue signals to our children that we will be available to them if and when they are ready. We have to prepare them and comfort them at the same time.

Part of our role is to help them find ways to cope, feel comfortable, and be resilient in the face of fear. Here are some steps to consider:

Start with you:

Take care of yourself and process your emotions. It is ok to be emotional, but try your best to be centered enough to be present in your conversation. Before we talk to our kids, sometimes we need to take a step back from our worries and go for a long walk, or read, or bake…anything to help us refocus.

Just be present:

Take the pressure off before you start by accepting that you are there to listen and support, not to solve. What do they know about the topic? Are they already scared and in need of comfort, or are they curious and uninformed? Be present! You do not need to have all the answers. It’s ok to say you have the same questions. 

Let them know you are there to listen and protect them. In times of fear or trauma, the thing that helps children (and all of us) feel safest is a connection to others. Simply letting your children know that you are there to hear their concerns and that you will do all that you can to keep them safe and protected will go a long way. Check in by asking, “You may have heard that something very sad happened in Israel. What have you heard?”

Consider what your child needs:

Kids are often concerned not with the large issues, but what it means specifically for them and their family. Feeling connected to you and other adults in their lives, and adhering to regular daily routines, will maximize their sense of safety. Modulating exposure to outside information and helping them to understand information they may have received elsewhere is also helpful. Helping children feel safe allows them to make space for others. 

Keep it simple:

Be discerning about what you share with them. Give them what they need and what they can process. I remember one instance, years ago, when I was asked to address a room full of students about the death of a beloved classroom pet. The teachers cried as I talked about the eternal cycle of life and death and how we can face difficult emotions, but the kids quickly got distracted and asked, “Can we go outside to play?” Just follow the lead they provide – ask what they have heard, clarify in developmentally appropriate ways, and resist the urge to share large amounts of information all at once. 

Give them tools: 

In an article in Parents Magazine, “How to Talk to Kids About Terrorism” by Ellen Sturm Niz, there is great advice from Denise Daniels. “Daniels recommends talking to little kids about strategies they use for keeping themselves safe, like wearing a seatbelt in the car, wearing a helmet when riding a bike, and practicing fire drills. Simple little things like that all help kids think, 'Well, gosh, there are things I can do to keep myself safe.'" Focusing on ways that children actually do have control over their own safety and understanding how you keep them safe is crucial.

Older kids can be encouraged to take their concern into action. Whether by raising money for the communities affected or educating others about bias and bigotry, knowing they can take their worry and turn it into impact is an important lesson. This is good for adults as well!

Check out the wonderful resources offered by the ADL: https://www.adl.org/families-and-educators

ADL Philadelphia Education Director Randi Boyette will lead a discussion via zoom about how parents can help support their children and each other when faced with antisemitic incidents. This one-hour conversation is scheduled for Tuesday, December 5th at 7:30 pm. Registration required by Wednesday, November 29th. RSVP to Marissa, [email protected].

Check in more than once:

Children may experience heightened awareness of who they are as a Jew and the vulnerability it causes, and may struggle with how to talk with peers who have different experiences than they do. Frequently checking in and listening to validate their experience can help.

Resilience is spiritual, not just practical:

Remember that, for all of us, routines that connect us to others and our traditions are important coping resources. Come to services for comfort! Light shabbat candles help them feel grounded and connected!

We are here for you so be in touch if we can be of support!

Rabbi Rigler

Cantor Marx