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by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
“Things come suitable to their time.”
Many of the messages that people in grief are given are in opposition to stillness… “carry on;” “keep your chin up;” “keep busy;” “I have someone for you to meet.” Yet, the paradox for many grievers is that as they try to frantically move forward, they often lose their way.
As a companion, your capacity to be still with the mourner will help her honor the deeper voices of quiet wisdom. As Rainer Marie Rilke observed, “Everything is gestation and then bringing forth.” In honoring stillness, you help the mourner rest for the journey.
Times of stillness are not anchored in a psychological need but in a spiritual necessity. A lack of stillness hastens confusion and disorientation and results in a waning of the spirit. If the mourner does not rest in stillness, she cannot and will not find her way out of the wilderness of grief. Stillness allows for movement from soul work to spirit work; it restores the life force.
Within the sanctuary of stillness, discernment that is bathed in grace and wisdom is born. Thus, one of my mantras as a caregiver is, “Go slow; there are no rewards for speed.” Grief is only transformed when we honor the quiet forces of stillness.
Without stillness
Without stillness the mourner cannot create the energy needed to embrace the work of mourning. In sitting with suffering in stillness, you make yourself available for those you companion to give voice to their grief. You become present to the insight and wisdom that comes forth only out of stillness. It’s as if the stillness invites the head to settle gently in the heart.
Without stillness, the mourner lacks a foundation from which to, eventually, transform grief into renewed meaning and purpose. The mourner needs stillness to encounter the full force of the powerful nature of grief. Out of the stillness often comes the inspiration to be respectful of grief, to seek the wisdom of those who have gone before.
Observation has taught me that the integration of grief is borne out of stillness, not frantic movement forward. By saying no to the use of techniques to try to “make something happen,” sacred space arises for things to happen; divine momentum is set in motion. When we stop managing grief, other things such as grace, wisdom, love and truth come forth.
In honoring stillness as a companion to someone in grief, you discover that spiritual forces evolve that discourage striving and encourage rest and eventual renewal. Attempting to consciously move forward, or worse yet, making any attempt to get him to “let go,” becomes counterproductive. Frantic movement forward depletes an already naturally malnourished soul. It is through stillness that one’s soul is ever so slowly restored.
To continue reading and access the downloadable PDF poster "Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved"
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Dr. Alan Wolfelt has been recognized as one of North America’s leading death educators and grief counselors. His books have sold more than a million copies worldwide and have been translated into many languages. He founded the Center for Loss in 1984 to offer education and support both to grievers and bereavement caregivers. He also serves as a member of the TAPS Advisory Board. He is known around the world for his compassionate messages of hope and healing as well as his companioning philosophy of grief care. Dr. Wolfelt speaks on grief-related topics, offers trainings for caregivers, and has written many bestselling books and other resources on grief for both caregivers and grieving people.
Here is a link to Dr. Wolfelt's Center for Loss Bookstore. Here you’ll find compassionate books and other resources for grieving adults, grieving children and teens, grief caregivers and funeral professionals.
https://www.centerforloss.com/bookstore/
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