The Adventures of Hugh Zahnfurst

Dear Mike,

Tired of getting junk mail? Tired of getting scary-looking scam e-mails? Tired of getting spamming phone calls? Time to take action by creating an alter ego. How? Read on…

"Dear Hugh..."

Years ago, I created a fake persona as a kind of joke. I got the idea from the humor magazine National Lampoon, who listed a phony Editor-in-Chief and posted his name at the top of the magazine masthead. The purpose? To identify all the know-nothings who went "straight to the top" with a selling agenda. All their junk mail and sales solicitations were identified immediately and were sent to the proper “circular file”.

I thought this was a great idea, as I was getting a bunch of pesky, annoying calls and mail. So, what would be an appropriate fake name?

I settled on “Hugh Zahnfurst”, since I was a fan of Abbott and Costello.

Phone Calls

Our office set up a fake voice mailbox for Hugh. We would change the message from time to time. One week, Hugh would be hiking the Himalayas. Other times, he’d be herding Llamas in Peru or bullfighting in Spain. We had fun thinking of arcane activities for our fearless leader.

Hugh’s first public listing was as a Regional VP in the Washington Business Journal, where my former company, SPS, was ranked the largest Telephone Reseller in the DC Metro area. Within minutes of publication, our office was getting urgent phone calls asking for “Hugh”. They were, of course, transferred to voice mail. We had a good laugh at all the messages in our next sales meeting.

E-Mails

I set up several fake e-mail accounts, including HughZahnfurst@AOL.com, which I still use to this day. Any time I run across gated content, such as a White Paper or a Market Research Report, I’ll sign in as Hugh Zahnfurst.

I play with Hugh's company details, depending on my mood. Sometimes “Zahnfurst International” is a multi-billion dollar conglomerate based in the Bahamas. Sometimes Hugh is a sole practitioner with an office at Mar a Lago.

As you might suspect, once you get on one mailing list, you get added to a bunch of others. I only check this mailbox once every 3-4 months, so I know I'm missing out on a lot of exciting offers. Lonely hearts, crypto opportunities, tax relief. Incredible deals.

Scam Baiting

Hugh enjoys Scam-Baiting, where he can tease and correspond with all those scheming chuckleheads. Hugh is never too busy to aid a Nigerian General or get information on a can't-miss crypto scheme. He is sympathetic to all the people looking for soul mates.

If you want to join the fun, the 419 Eater website is a good place to start. They have excellent tips and examples of people turning the tables on the scammers. The number 419 comes from the Nigerian Penal Code for fraudulent activity.

Political Solicitations

Hugh is active politically, and this year looks like it will be the busiest yet. Whenever Hugh gets a solicitation for a donation, he scoops up all the junk mail he can find, stuffs the return envelope full of their opponent’s solicitations, and sends it back postage due. It’s his way of supporting democracy.

So, I certainly have my fun with my alter ego Hugh, but the smarter companies are starting to catch on. Hugh is blocked at SalesForce, Hubspot, and Connectwise. Presumably, somebody called, realized it was a hoax, and blacklisted the account. Good for them.

The dumb companies just carpet bomb e-mails, continuing to send messages even after years of un-opens. They deserve to be pranked.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this bit of fun. If you see my license plate on the road, honk! Feel free to e-mail me any time at HughZahnfurst@AOL.com. I promise to never open it.

Upcoming Events

Greenville, SC

September 25-26

TEDx Warrenton

October 26

Ancient History

Meet the "Hit Mann"

Mike Schmidtmann coaches business owners and sales leaders across the USA. He works to drive results in sales recruiting, new business development, and profitability.

Mike led sales for Inacom Communications for ten years. then founded and built a $30 Million business unit for SPS.

Mike produces the award-winning Trans4mers webinar series on IT sales and management subjects. He is a frequent public speaker on business topics.

He lives on a farm in Northern Virginia with his family and assorted horses, alpacas, goats and dogs.

Play "Stump the Chump"

E-Mail Mike with a vexing and perplexing question and you'll get a telling and compelling reply.

Mike Schmidtmann

 (703) 408 - 9103

Mike@Trans4mers.net

www.MikeSchmidtmann.com