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Counseling Toolkit
How Emotions Work
What are emotions?
Apart from physical health, our emotional state is one of the most important aspects of our lives. Emotions help us make sense of our world, guide our actions, and give us a way to connect with others. They are signals that tell us how we are feeling and what is important to us.
As important as they are, our emotions are uncharted territory to us–they can be disruptive, unproductive, and inconvenient. We’ve all heard messages like, “Get over it,” “Put away your tears,” and “Don’t be so sensitive.” And so, we ignore or suppress our feelings.
Emotions don’t go away just because we don’t pay attention to them. The really powerful emotions build up inside us and pile up like a debt that will eventually become due. Hurt don’t heal themselves, so we need to respond to them.
First and foremost, emotions are information. Listening to our emotions is important because they impact our thinking and behavior. Our senses (sight, touch, hearing, etc.) bring news from the outside world into our bodies, then our brains process and analyze it, and then formulate our experience. That’s what a feeling is!
The word “emotion” [from “motion”] means to move out or excite. When emotions get stirred up, they bring about movement, action, or reaction. When we feel anxious, we get tense or start sweating. When we get angry, we want to explode. Since emotions create feelings in our bodies, it’s important to pay attention to what is happening inside.
What do we do with emotions?
Just because we listen to our emotions doesn’t mean we act on them. Children are concrete thinkers and “do” their emotions–if they are mad, they will throw a tantrum. Adults have cognitive awareness and control (we hope so!)--if we get mad, we don’t ram into the car that cuts us off on the highway. Just because we have a feeling does not mean we have to act on it. But we need to pay attention to our emotions because they are telling us something!
How do emotions help us?
-Emotions can be motivators: When you feel anxiety approaching a dark alley or the edge of a cliff, you take a step back and don’t proceed forward. Your anxiety is telling you that something is dangerous.
-Emotions help us to form positive experiences: You get a sense of joy and accomplishment after achieving a goal.
-Emotions help us recognize what matters to us: Emotions can act as a compass, pointing you towards what matters most to you and what you care about.
-Emotions are linked to memory formation and retention: Strong emotions create lasting memories like when you get married or attend a funeral.
-Emotions are essential for our communication: Fear acts as a mobilizer and can alert us to danger; anger propels us toward justice; and sadness may draw us to a deeper connection to others or within ourselves.
How do we manage and control our emotions?
Sometimes our emotions can get out of control, and we need to learn how to manage and control them. Emotional regulation helps to dampen the intensity of emotions like anger, disappointment, and anxiety.
Here are a few ways to regulate your emotions:
-Self-awareness: Notice what you feel and name it.
Ask: “What am I feeling?”
-Emotional-acceptance: Accept the discomfort of an emotion without trying to change it right away.
Ask: “Can I let this feeling be for a moment without trying to change it or get rid of it?”
-Cognitive reappraisal: Reframe a negative event in a more positive way.
Ask:“It feels like I’ll never change but I’m taking all the necessary steps to make a change in this area.”
-Distancing: Gain perspective of your situation by looking at it as a “fly on the wall.”
Ask: “If I zoom out, I can see that this isn’t that big of a deal and I won’t even remember it in a month.”
How do we get the strength and wisdom to manage our emotions?
The Bible has a lot to say about emotions. We get examples of:
-Anger in Ps. 7:11–”God is a righteous judge, a God who displays his wrath every day” and in Rom. 1:18–”The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people.”
-Grief in Gen. 6:6–The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.”
-Jealousy in Ex. 34:14– “Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.”
-And joy in Isa. 62:5–”as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.”
God’s feelings and actions towards his creation, his judgment and forgiveness, and his justice and grace are all consistent with who he is. God understands our emotions since he created us with the capacity to feel them, and his own emotions continually flow from his perfection. In Jesus, we get a Savior who felt what we feel, weeping with those who wept (John 11:35), showing compassion (Mark 6:34), and dealing with sorrow (Matt. 26:38). And through all these emotions he reveals the Father more and more to us (John 14:9).
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