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A memory that most of us can recall in vivid detail from our childhood is the excruciating experience of being bored. For many, it may have been our first experience of internal suffering. We would have had to sit with this feeling for some time before we even realized what it was, which would have required an internal examination of our emotions. We had, up until that point, experienced many uncomfortable feelings: hunger, tiredness, sadness, frustration, but nothing quite like this. In that moment of boredom, we were presented with a seemingly unsolvable problem; one in which we had to ask ourselves “What am I supposed to do here?” It was an experience that forced us to look inward. We had to ask ourselves, “What is it that I truly want?”
We may have gone to our parents to express our discomfort and beg for their help, but likely they would have told us that we have to figure something out on our own. I remember my own mother saying something to the effect of, “Well, sweetheart, that’s really not my problem, is it?” We certainly would have felt a sense of frustration when our parents were unwilling or unable to help, but eventually, we were forced to conclude that only we possessed the power to alleviate this discomfort.
As is true of most suffering, this experience possessed tremendous value. It inspired us to try something new, to pick up a book or an instrument, to explore, to call a friend, to paint, to create. It gave us an opportunity at a very young age to imagine a future with endless possibilities. Only if we had the experience of being bored could we imagine a future in which we were not. Without us realizing it, it helped us begin the process of developing resiliency and self-sufficiency. It also taught us patience, planning, and problem-solving skills along with the ability to delay gratification.
We tend to assume that these qualities are in some way innate. That some of us are born more resilient or more patient. That could not be further from the truth. These are learned skills and, as such, they must be taught and practiced. I can think of no experience quite like boredom to help children grow and strengthen these skills.
Unfortunately, today’s children are growing up in a culture in which they quite literally never have to be bored. There are several reasons for this. Many of our kids are astonishingly overscheduled; they go from school to tutors, to practice, to homework, to bed. They rarely have an opportunity to relax and to sit with themselves. During the rare occasion that they do have some unscheduled time, they may have parents who feel that it is their responsibility to constantly be engaging with and entertaining their children. Along with that unreasonable and impossible expectation, children have a multitude of devices and games that will immediately resolve any semblance of the feeling.
If we place a tablet or a phone in the hands of a young child every time they tell us (or show us) that they are bored, we rob them of the opportunity to experience the many opportunities that boredom creates. How many artists, authors, musicians, architects, and designers will miss the opportunity to find their passion because they never had the opportunity to imagine it? The introduction of devices at a young age also begins the unnatural hardwiring of the brain that teaches children to expect immediate gratification in everything that they do. Everything else in their world will seem bland and uninteresting when compared to the type of stimulation that only technology can provide. These devices are constructed with the intention of creating addiction in their users. We need to be aware of this as we consider the appropriateness of handing a young child a phone or tablet.
It is so important that we give our children the opportunities to experience these once naturally occurring experiences. To do this we first must provide children with unstructured time. Resist the urge to fill every minute of their day with productivity and plans. Consider having one day a week or even one evening a week without any structured activities. Also, we must resist the nagging voice in our heads that tells us that we are responsible for always keeping our kids happy. This is one of the most damaging mindsets we can have as parents. It cripples our children’s sense of autonomy and makes them believe falsely that they are not themselves responsible for their well-being. If your child comes to you and says that they are bored, put the responsibility back on them. Ask them what they think they can do in this situation. We can certainly offer them suggestions if they are really struggling, but in the end, it is not really our problem, is it?
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