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For the past 100 years or so, I've been starting these newsletters with a joke.
When people come out to a Slim Show, they frequently mention how bad the jokes are.
So to start off the New Year, I thought maybe I'd put all these groaners together in one newsletter.
Lots of publications put together "Best Of" lists at the end of the year.
So here's the Slim List of the Best of the Worst jokes from the recent Slim Newsletters.
Here goes...
I came up with a GREAT Christmas gift idea. A wreath made out of hundred dollar bills.
I'm calling it...Aretha Franklins!
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If you're ever accosted in a deli, it's possible to stab that person with a piece of cheddar cheese.
But only if it's extra sharp.
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I found a place where I can get gas for $1.99.
Taco Bell.
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The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady GaGa are coming out with a new children's CD.
It's called GooGooGaGa.
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I've been teaching my dog to fetch tools from the Slim Shed.
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill.
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I went to the bar at Wimbledon dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served right away.
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I'm going to the bank later today, and if all goes well, I will be completely out of debt.
I'm so excited I can barely get my ski mask on.
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I called the incontinence hotline yesterday.
They asked me if I could hold for a couple minutes.
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An 18-wheeler got caught in Hurricane Hilary, rolled over, and spilled its cargo of wigs and hairpieces.
Police are combing the area.
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I was walking by the sea when I noticed a waffle laying on the beach. Upon closer inspection, I realized it wasn't a waffle. It was a...
San Diego.
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I was at the natural history museum looking up at the towering dinosaur exhibits for hours when I discovered a new species...
Myneckisaurus.
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Happy birthday to Frank Zamboni, the guy who invented the skating rink cleaning machine.
Even though he's been dead for years, his name still resurfaces.
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I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't too happy, but the front door looks great!
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Have you heard about the new male hygiene spray?
Their slogan:
Umpire.
For foul balls.
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My doctor told me there's too much sodium in my diet.
I took their advice with a grain of salt.
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Someone broke into Slim's Shady Trailer Park and stole all the coffee cups.
Now I gotta go to the police station and look at mug shots.
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I went on a date with a woman who said she was attracted to men with power.
I told her I just paid my electric bill.
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I went to Dick’s Halfway Inn and sat next to a guy with a squirrel monkey on his shoulder.
The bartender brought me a beer and asked if I’d sing a song, so I went to the piano and started playing.
That’s when the guy’s monkey dipped his butt in my glass of suds.
The bartender came over and asked, “Do you know the monkey’s nuts are in your beer?”
I said, “No…”
“But if you hum a few bars, I’m sure I could fake it!”
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Last night I watched a Netflix documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I've ever seen!
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Autocorrect can be your best friend.
Or your worst enema.
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I gave my best friend a wooden leg for Christmas.
It's not their main gift.
It's just a stocking stuffer!
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My roommate asked me to move out because of my incessant puns about South American farm animals.
I said, "Alpaca my bags."
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I was in the airport at baggage claim today when a man suddenly collapsed on the luggage carousel...
But he slowly came around.
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Italian airline Alitalia went bankrupt and General Motors stepped in and bought the company.
The new airline will be called...
Genitalia.
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I was at the beach and limped into an ice cream store leaning on my cane.
I ordered an ice cream cone and the guy asked me, “Crushed nuts?”
I replied, “No, broken leg.”
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I got a call from a director who asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming movie about Julius Caesar.
I told him I'd take a stab at it.
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My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet to get him checked out.
No word yet.
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My great-aunt just turned 92 and doesn't even use glasses.
That's right.
She drinks straight out of the bottle!
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A woman stood before a judge, accused of hitting her boyfriend with a guitar.
The judge asked, “First offender?”
She said, “No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender.”
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I have a pet squirrel who loves watching TV.
His favorite channel is Nutflix.
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I finally found out where Extra Virgin olive oil comes from.
It comes from the Extra Virgin Islands.
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My mother once told me, never marry a tennis player.
Because love means nothing to them!
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My family always prays before dinner.
I didn’t think my cooking was that bad!
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My New Year’s Resolution is to build a wall made of Velcro.
And I’m sticking to it!
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And there it is...the Best of the Worst!
Keep smiling, Slim People. And keep in touch.
Happy New Year! It's all about love.
Who loves ya?
Uncle Slimmy
PS: Here's a YouTube video of my recipe for chicken Marsala. She's a-so nice!
https://youtu.be/ljsQu6WH8MM?si=qae4LESQeraEUOkQ
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