Weekly Newsletter

November 29, 2023

The Dance Between Shame and Guilt:

More Than a Two-Step

Installed within our unique DNA is a kind of early warning system called a conscience (except when certain mental illnesses short circuit it). We know when we "have been good or bad, so be good, for heaven's sakes". We don't need Santa to alert us to anticipated consequences. "To thine own self, be true;" a well-known expression which means 'be true to yourself' or 'don't do anything that would go against your true nature', Think Pinocchio and his burgeoning nose. We refer here to the intrinsic qualities of that inborn detection system, guilt and shame.

Guilt is concerned with one's responsibility for a harmful attitude or behavior. Guilt arises from a response to one's actions. By contrast, shame implies a nonmoral negative self-evaluation. Shame pertains to a person. Again, shame reflects how we feel about ourselves, guilt involves an awareness that our actions have injured someone(s) else. However, they are considered interchangeable by many, whether real or imagined."

Dr. Google

Put simply: "Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did is not good, shame says I am no good."

John Bradshaw

The unifying conclusion: If it doesn't "sit right" with us, we can feel it, if only for a fleeting moment. What we choose to do with this important sensory feedback determines where we go from here. Jewish tradition refers to "sin" as having "missed the mark." This can pave the way for a willingness to seek forgiveness, or a determination to "make it right." An important tenant in 12 step programs is the need to "make amends" when one has transgressed. Taking redemptive action frees us to return to "center," hopefully, determined to have learned useful, often powerful lessons. Applications of which can serve to enhance our sense of wellbeing and pave the way for greater connection with ourselves, and those whom we encounter.

"To thine own self, be true;" a well-known expression which means 'be true to yourself' or 'don't do anything that would go against your true nature', Think Pinocchio and his burgeoning nose. Now, let's give a closer look:

SHAME: "The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love or belonging-something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of love or connection." - Brene Brown

Shame affects how one feels about oneself. Shame touches on the "ideal self" one wishes to be, which is often shaped by societal expectations.

GUILT: "The emotion we feel if we have let ourselves, or others down by failing to meet a particular standard; feelings of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, failing to live up to one's values." - Dr. Google

Guilt is a negative response to a specific event or one's behavior.

Navigating the Dance:

Guilt vs. Shame

Feelings of shame and guilt have a common denominator, in that each emotion negates one's feelings of worthiness and general wellbeing.

GUILT:

I feel bad about spilling the glue on her desk
I am embarrassed for criticizing her cooking
I should have listened to her
I made us late for the play
I ate all the candy

SHAME:

I'm a clumsy, bad person for spilling the glue on her desk
I'm such a jerk for having criticize her cooking
I don't deserve to have any friends
I can't do anything right I'm a selfish, fat hog

Before making a blanket assumption that neither emotion has redemptive qualities, it is good to look more closely at the aspects of shame and guilt; the toxic and healthy sides of the emotional coin:

TOXIC GUILT:

Guilt that causes stress and reduces healthy connections to self and others.
Left unchecked, it can contribute to psychological problems and things that are imaginary or beyond one's control. Fosters a sense of hopelessness.

HEALTHY GUILT:

Healthy guilt involves accepting that one has done wrong, using it as a prompt to improve relationships and behaviors by:

Apologizing
Making amends
Changing behaviors
Accepting faults and moving on

Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame

TOXIC SHAME:

Shame, a destructive emotion that saps our energy and robs us of the joy of being alive. It cuts at the core of our identity whereby we carry a dark sense of being deeply flawed and defective.

So painful that we desperately try to hide it from others and develop compensatory behaviors. It violates our own ethical code, creating pain for others and ourselves.

HEALTHY SHAME:

Healthy shame keeps us humble and reminds us of our limitations, and our shared humanity and guides us towards self-correction. As this debilitating shame begins to heal, we're better positioned to differentiate. Healthy shame gets our attention in a way that can serve our growth. With a willingness to "come out of hiding," within a state of humility (as opposed to the humiliation found in toxic shame) one has the opportunity to:

Challenge negative beliefs
Build self-compassion
Seek support

Coping strategies require a willingness to seek a heightened awareness of the "triggers" that set off guilt and shame responses. One becomes aware that guilt tends to prompt action, while shame tends to lead to withdrawal and avoidance. In recovery, focusing on guilt-driven actions (making amends) and addressing shame (rebuilding self-esteem) are crucial. Recovery involves both external actions (guilt) and internal healing (shame)

Compassion, self-awareness, and professional support play essential roles in this journey.

FACING OUR SHARED HUMANITY, WHEN WE KNOW BETTER, WE DO BETTER. SELF-FORGIVENESS, SELF-COMPASSION; AN INSIDE JOB; ONLY YOU HOLD THE MASTER KEY.

Karen Kelleher, MA

Family Caregiver Support Coordinator

Email: [email protected]

Upcoming

Events & Workshops:

Empower Change through Giving:

Together, we can make a meaningful difference in the lives of

elders and the caregivers who selflessly support them.

DONATE NOW >>

DayBreak is committed to empowering elders and supporting caregivers. If you know a senior in need of our care and coordination services, or a family caregiver seeking assistance, encourage them to reach out to us at:

510-834-8314